Living with DH can be so very miserable

[birdsinginginthemorning]

DH suffers from a bad back, aching hips and sciatica. I slipped a disc in my back years ago so I do get how painful it is and how much it takes out of you.

I think this is the problem though; when I’ve been in a lot of pain I’ve just had to get on with it. With DH, it’s endless winces and groans and pulled faces. It makes me feel guilty for doing totally normal things. I honestly think left to his own devices he’d just want to lie in bed all day (not good for your back anyway.)

He’s finally been to the GP and seen a physiotherapist which wasn’t very helpful. I know it’s not his fault but sometimes the groaning and wincing just gets me down.

I have a bad back and have to walk a lot to manage it, lying in bed won’t help. Walking also helps me manage my weight to help with pain. I also do exercises to strengthen my glutes EVERY day and this is the main thing that helps. It’s sucks having a bad back but you have to put the work in to manage it, not moan.

I know this is massive stereotyping but the men in my life seem to really avoid medical support or advice but will moan a lot if unwell.

How long has he had it for? It is very difficult managing chronic back pain & sciatica although he should be more proactive about getting help. Can he self refer to MSK in your area? Afford a private physio? Ask GP for referral to pain clinic?

Sorry you are finding it hard. Perhaps let him have a good moan & then he has to get up & go for a walk.

You said he had aching hips which could be caused by very low Vitamin D, my bone pain (mainly hips and shins) was caused by this. Get him to go back to GP for a blood test and also see about starting amitriptyline like a pp suggested or other pain meds.

As someone who is in permanent pain who inadvertently groans and winces - go out, have fun. Enjoy life.

Please do go out and enjoy yourself.

Have they not recommended swimming to him to loosen everything up and burn calories in a gentler way?

Even just floating in water can be good for back pain.

It is hard to have constant sympathy with someone who isn't helping themselves, you're not being mean. Men in particular just seem to want to moan rather than actively do anything about it

I suffer rom sciatic pain flare ups and I have tried all sorts over the years, but a good physio who'll do some mild adjustments, regular walking and stretching are the things I've found works. I also started taking a turmeric supplement a while ago and haven't actually had a flare up since. Might be worth a try

Has he had his blood checked?

DH has been tired recently but he is anemic.

Being in constant pain is pretty hard too.

What!! Not even an x-ray.

There’s not much I don’t know about back pain: it’s awful. It hugely affected my life for years. But equally it is tough going on the other side as well.

They don’t routinely offer X rays for aches and pains (which is how they see it.) I slipped my disc in February and it was May before I was finally given an MRI. Even then it is a bit like … yep, you’ve slipped a disc, you have to wait for it to ‘unslip.’

The best thing he can do is lose weight, all I can do is try to be supportive of this. He is a good man, I’m jus getting a bit ground down with everything and feel impatient with the groans and then feel bad for feeling impatient!

I know that. Obviously.

Two things can be true at the same time. He is having an awful time. I am having a less awful but still not good time. So is the poor OP.

I’ve had disc problems and pain all my adult life due to wonky spine and degenerative condition and yes the small child years were grim as I had no money and no support and wasn’t even able to attend physio etc as all bus rides - couldn’t sit for more than 15 mins or stand for long. ‘Twas a shit show.

The game changer was Pilates and learning breathing for pelvic control. I was still
in some pain but I had the strength to
move, sit, stand, carry a shopping bag etc.
nowadays it’s free and easy to access via YouTube.

having said that, if he isn’t motivated then he won’t do it. Nothing you can do other than get on with your life.

sometimes people do nothing until they have a serious health scare and sometimes they do nothing and blame it on others or accept their inaction contributed and are fatalistic. You have no control over it. Get busy and get out of the house. Good luck!

When DH had long term illness I started out by accommodating him when I was making arrangements, always taking into account what he was doing, making suggestions about how to achieve what he wanted to do. All in a kind and sincere way. I just gave up in the end. He never told me if he had any plans, often the doorbell would ring and one of his friends would be standing there and he’d be out, people would ring me to find out where he was , he refused to be on Find Friends. of course I realised that he was unwell but his lack of consideration for me became overwhelming.
I became more independent and indifferent, which is not really a nice way to live, but I couldn’t keep banging my head against a brick wall. Go out and do your things, you will not regret it.

I never said OP should put him first. She should get out and live her life. But people of all genders may stop moaning once they know that their loved ones understand that they are in pain and show sympathy.

This is a great idea, but also consider a decent sports physio too, as they are excellent at looking at the condition in tandem with lifestyle factors, necessary motion, how your husband sits, moves, etc, rather than in isolation. It can make a big difference. The weight loss should be immediately prioritised as this is making his condition so, so much worse.

I have a bad back. I’m hypermobile and it just has to be managed. So I manage it. I work hard to keep fit and strong and keep the weight offs with wli (now). If it’s going to be months before there’s any discernible difference in your husbands weight it sounds like he’s considerably overweight.

The constant moaning and huffing and puffing while he dies fuck all to manage his own health would drive me insane. I’m sorry but I’d be telling him firmly to take charge of it or shut up.

For the record I do have long term health conditions but they are mine and I do my best to manage them without seeking sympathy or impactful those around me.

Are you not in the UK?

In my experience the NHS does nothing aboutspinal issues unless the problem is making you incontinent. You can be in agony, laid up for months, unable to work, and the best you'll get is a sick note. (And perhaps some painkillers which bring about their own awful side effects).

I feel for him. I've been there. I'd rather give birth every day than be in that pain every day for months.

I don't know how much pain he's in. His wincing and moaning may be over-played or they may be entirely reasonable for the pain he's in.

If he's doing all he can to get better (weight-loss, GP, living as healthily as he can) then what else can he do?

If he's moaning but refusing to help himself then I understand your frustration.

Either way, it shouldn't stop you going out and enjoying life when you can.

@birdsinginginthemorning It's a well known fact that men's pain is always way worse than women's. Oh, and they never get enough sympathy from their wives either. Stop carrying around that heavy burden of guilt OP. You won't get any thanks or medals from him I can assure you.

Well if the husband can't get an x-ray or scan. We don't know what the hell is going on. I lost a dear friend to backache in her forties. It was bone cancer. She wasn't overweight.

I'm truly sorry to hear about your poor dear friend and I fully acknowledge my cynicism. The thing is, at 70 years old I've witnessed so many men expecting the world to stop when they're ill or have problems. Conversely they're quite happy to watch their wives crawling round on their hands and knees in agony whilst still doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning and childcare. Not all men I know, but far too many of them.

I'm just saying - you also could have groaned, or asked for sympathy. Your op was about him groaning I know it’s not his fault but sometimes the groaning and wincing just gets me down.

People shouldn't have to put a brave face on pain when they're at home. Pain is, obviously, painful.

I paid for a private physio (trained in the RN) and she was brilliant. Pulled my back, feet and neck into position. I had virtually crawled into her surgery but walked out with only very minor discomfort. I have not had any problems since (4 years ago). Prior to this I had lots of discomfort and several bouts of terrible pain in my back.

Go private, NHS physios normally only tell you what to do and use medication. Get a recommended back specialist physio or chiropractor.