Living with DH can be so very miserable

[birdsinginginthemorning]

DH suffers from a bad back, aching hips and sciatica. I slipped a disc in my back years ago so I do get how painful it is and how much it takes out of you.

I think this is the problem though; when I’ve been in a lot of pain I’ve just had to get on with it. With DH, it’s endless winces and groans and pulled faces. It makes me feel guilty for doing totally normal things. I honestly think left to his own devices he’d just want to lie in bed all day (not good for your back anyway.)

He’s finally been to the GP and seen a physiotherapist which wasn’t very helpful. I know it’s not his fault but sometimes the groaning and wincing just gets me down.

What would that have achieved apart from making everyone around me feel down as well?

I am in the UK 😂 and once you can get a GP appointment (no mean feat!) you’re generally lucky if they even glance at you if you’re a bit overweight and have back or joint problems!

Do not allow yourself to be guilt tripped. You have agency. If the roles were reversed would he curtail his social life?

He needs to stop the pity party and just get on with it (after sorting out a treatment plan). Painkillers will be s good start.

Which means dh wasn’t there for you to pick up the slack right?
He knew you were in pain but assumed carrying on like everything was normal was ok.

What makes you think it should be any different for him? And you should pick up the slack?

Bow I know why. But the point I’m making is that you have a choice. You have agency.
You can tell him ‘oh I’m sorry you’re in pain’ and then 'et him get on with booking his own appointments.
You can treat him like an adult rather than like a child.
You can remind him he is chosing to stay in pain by not organising the GP etc….
You can tell him hearing him groan is off putting when he isn’t making any effort to get better.
None of that is being awful to him.

I started having sciatica and bad back pain after many years of doing loads of driving. At the advice of my osteopath (who was great for short term relief) now I go to reformer Pilates twice a week and it’s been brilliant. If you can improve core strength you can really help sciatica because you make everything stronger and more stable with strong core muscles to hold it all together.

I feel about 15 years younger and so much more mobile and strong.

The point is though that HE has no issue doing that.
And he had no issue letting you getting on with stuff and not picking up the slack.

Im not an advocate of an eye for an eye type of attitude.
But I feel it’s important you realise that you’re judging yourself and him by two very different type of standards.
Which also means - you have choice and agency. Decide what you’re happy to do/put up with. Live by that. Don’t feel guilty (eg for going out if you want to). And ket him live his life tge way he wants - incl staying in pain fur much li her than needed if that’s his choice

Some forms of yoga might also help. A good yoga teacher will be able to advise.

But it still doesn’t help with the situation now that I should have gone round moaning and groaning three years or more ago!

As pp said, he needs to start moving everyday. Motion is lotion and sitting/lying in a chair for any length of time is damaging to the body.

Pilates is great for building core strength and correcting posture - it was originally developed as a rehabilitation program after all - but a good understanding of the basics with small group or 1-2-1 classes is key to get the foundations right, especially with back issues already at play.

If paying for exercise classes isn't an option at the moment then a friend who has had back issues swears by this youtube channel: https://youtube.com/@tommorrison?si=5aAGqiiUjcampifH

But you can't take any actions for him, unfortunately, so he needs to want to help himself! If he's stuck in a mental cycle of negativity and hopelessness then perhaps a few sessions of therapy would be helpful to recognise this and work on a mental reset.

I have a prolapsed disc I was refered to orthopaedics and given a treatment plan by the consultant. I’ve had (so far) a year of physio (which I do the exercises every day) an injection (didn’t work) I attended a nhs pilates sessions and then weight lifting sessions. I started off on OxyContin and tapentadol , I’ve gradually reduce pain meds and now just take paracetamol and ibuprofen as needed.

He needs to strengthen his back - swimming, pilates, weight lifting. (Starting low) Physio exercises everyday Avoid sitting for long periods, make sure chairs are comfortable and support the back. Ice, massage (by a physio) heat, kinsetic taping, steroid injection can all help.
it’s not fair to compare to yours if you ‘got on with it’ then you were lucky to have fairly mild pain. The fact you made a full recovery also indicates that. You have no idea the level of pain your dh may be in. Also there’s no award for suffering through.

You’re missing my point.
im not remotely saying you should change the past. Or that you should have gone round moaning then.

Quite the opposite.
i am saying that you can NOW ignore him when he is moaning. You have no reason to feel guilty about it. It’s not unsympathetic. It’s just realising that getting on with things is a pretty normal thing to do. Like you have done. And like he can do now.
But he isn’t going to do that if you take up the slack, listen with great sympathy to his moan, stop going out because it leaves him at home.
Doing all of that tells him you believe he deserves you putting your life on hold for him. To be mothered by you. To act the ‘oh poor me’ and for that to be acted on.

I have a chronic illness and I’m in a much worse place than your dh. And I’m telling you. If he was in such a bad pain, hed be at the GP. Hed be looking for a physio/osteopath/whoever can help with the pain.

You have no idea the level of pain your dh may be in

I think I do, given I’ve had a disc prolapse.

There’s no award for any of this, is there?

I am missing your point yes, @MorningActivity . My point is that it’s incredibly difficult to ignore somebody when your workload is doubled. And for all DH is in pain, he’s certainly still up for sex whenever he thinks it’s on offer! I’m not saying it isn’t genuine, more that it’s a bit of a get out of jail free card, so DH couldn’t sleep half the night and then is too tired to get up in the morning, so I have to. DH is in pain so if the kids have a party at soft play I have to go. Etc. You can’t ignore that, with the best will in the world!

On the other side, as you clearly showed, when you’re in such bad pain, you go agd see your GP. You follow directions re exercises. You do something about your pain.
You don’t wait around moaning for things to magically get better.

I agree @birdsinginginthemorning. It is Infiurating that he can’t just stop and get away with putting no effort at all.
Because I’m sorry but if he can have sex, he can take the dcs to a play date!!

It is hard, I am more sympathetic than it shows here as this is my thread 😂 but I do know how incredibly draining and awful constant pain is. But it does mean there’s an awful lot resting on me.

For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.

Walking is the first step and gets everything slotting into place. But as you said, you can’t make him, just gotta put up with his whinging until he decides to do something about it.
I hear you OP.

That was before divorce was possible. Times have moved on. Even CoE accepts that.