Is there a way to talk about money with DH without snapping at one another?

[awalkattwilight]

If there is, I haven’t managed it.

I absolutely hate it when we have to talk about finances. I have a property I owned before I met DH and some money is due on it; I knew it was coming. However, DH saw the letter and I really, really wish I just had hidden it from him. He’s so pessimistic and is insisting I’m going to get fined despite everything online indicating this is unlikely to be the case. I know he won’t talk about anything else all weekend.

It’s part of a wider problem I guess: we just are rubbish at talking about money. Is anyone the same? And how do you address it?

It sounds like it's more than being rubbish at talking about it - you're rubbish at managing it too or this letter and charge/fine would've been headed off and prepared for. So I think you need to acknowledge that it's going to be a difficult conversation, and the easiest way would be to pretend you're talking to a work colleague. You presumably wouldn't be rude or snappy with them, so use that persona to get through the conversations that have to be had.

@Swaytheboat no, not really.

I don’t think it’s possible to speak to DH as if he’s a work colleague. I wouldn’t be speaking to a colleague about this sort of thing.

Ok, you're boss then that has demanded a meeting. It has to happen. Frame it in your mind like that.

Well - no, DH isn’t my boss! It does seem we’re not getting very far here and I’m sorry, I don’t want to be obtuse but it may be best to move on.

It might be easier to talk about these things reasonably if you didn't want to hide things from him.

Kinda rude to someone who is just trying to help you!
she wasn’t saying you would talk to a colleague about it, or that you think your dh is your boss - she was saying take the emotion out of it. Pretend he is a colleague. Pretty sensible advice really.

I only want to hide things from him because it puts him in such a foul mood, it isn’t that I’m inherently dishonest or anything.

I am glad it was helpful for you but for me personally it isn’t, because as I’ve said, I wouldn’t talk to anyone not close about it and besides, even if I keep the emotion out, he doesn’t. He just endlessly interrupts me until I end up getting annoyed. This was what happened before - he would ask a question; I’d try to answer and he’d just cut in telling me I’m wrong

He isn’t like this in other areas of communication or life, which is why I just mostly try not to talk about money with him. It isn’t the answer long term, I know.

Do you have a habit of mismanaging finances or repeatedly hiding things from your DH?

It can become a self fulfilling prophecy, you hide things / don’t do things because you don’t like his reaction, he then doesn’t give a good reaction because things are being hidden from him / not done.

Do you often struggle to communicate with others? Hiding things on purpose is being dishonest really.

It sounds like a him problem. Might it be worth getting a few sessions of counselling for this specific issue?

Blimey, I’m coming under attack here and I’m really unsure why. I haven’t hidden anything from DH; I said that I wished I had.

If I had (hidden it) I would have filled a form in and be waiting to hear how much I owe. Instead, I’ve got DH on and on at me and telling me I’m going to be fined (despite all resources available to me saying otherwise.) It’s stressing me out and it’s making a really bad feeling at home. Both our children have been a bit upset.

He’d never go for that! Besides, it would cost money!

Could you write it all down?

I'm not saying you're dishonest.
I'm just wondering if the problem lies in his anxiety about not knowing what's going on

I don’t think so because it sort of depends on a reciprocal conversation, if you see what I mean. The conversation earlier for example could have been so much simpler but I can’t seem to stop DH from spiralling and stressing about things that haven’t happened and are unlikely to happen.

He can be a bit like this - once he fixates on something it can be really hard to stop him going on about it but I do feel a bit under attack and that then makes me edgy and snappy.

I think in these cases it’s always reasonable to hear your partner’s worries or concerns. Is this tax your DH thinks you’ve underpaid and will be fined by HMRC?

I would tell him that you can chat about the money once the kids are in bed and hear him out. Tell him that he can have his say and then you will have your say but that it’s being dealt with and if there are any surprises with money owed, you will speak to him straight away and make a plan. However, make it clear that once the chat is over, he can’t repeatedly bring it up and say especially not in front of the children. Keep calm and give him the facts and figures and allow him to digest.

If the form you need to fill in is a tax return you will absolutely get fined if it’s even a day late, it’s completely automatic.

I'm not sure if this is how you talk to people in real life, but you're pretty snippy in your replies and if your decisions about the house have led to a big bill and potential fine and then you are evasive and difficult I can see why your husband doesn't stay particularly cool. I'd be pissed off too if that's the case.

That’s what he’s convinced about, @Nosleepforthismum .

It’s one thing to hear concerns but when I am showing him internet links and screenshots which all say that a fine is highly unlikely it’s frustrating when he just keeps endlessly repeating himself.

It is part of a wider problem - he is a good man and I do love him but he has become increasingly tense about finances and this then filters down and he won’t talk reasonably or fairly.

Do you have a written budget, OP?

I’ve always found that having the monthly budget, in writing, every cent accounted for, to be the easiest way to speak together about money. It’s objective and things are laid out really clearly. It’s hard to argue with numbers on a page.

Someone obviously has to keep track of the money being spent (my job in our case), but the amount in each budget line is agreed together.
e.g. £100 restaurants/cafes
£50 kids clothes
£800 groceries etc.

Do you do something like this?

I was a bit snippy @Swaytheboat because I didn’t include any information about finances yet immediately you decided I was ‘rubbish at managing’ (money.) It did annoy me and made me disinclined to engage much further.

@movinghomeadvice i have one for my own finances (we don’t share finances and we don’t have a joint account - I don’t want to share finances and I don’t want a joint account so please don’t anyone suggest that.)

That’s what I was thinking… you seem really defensive OP, and being snippy. I wonder if this is the way the two of you communicate generally?

Then the issue isn’t that you’re bad about talking about money. The issue is your DH punishes you for things by creating a difficult atmosphere.

Well the information you provided said that the house has money due on it (for something) and it could lead to a fine (but unlikely). So that doesn't scream great money management does it? You're very very defensive and self righteous, and need to reflect on that if you want this sort of conversation to go better with your DH in the future.