Is there a way to talk about money with DH without snapping at one another?

[awalkattwilight]

If there is, I haven’t managed it.

I absolutely hate it when we have to talk about finances. I have a property I owned before I met DH and some money is due on it; I knew it was coming. However, DH saw the letter and I really, really wish I just had hidden it from him. He’s so pessimistic and is insisting I’m going to get fined despite everything online indicating this is unlikely to be the case. I know he won’t talk about anything else all weekend.

It’s part of a wider problem I guess: we just are rubbish at talking about money. Is anyone the same? And how do you address it?

Well, honestly, if I opened a letter and I said ‘this is what is in the letter’ and someone replied ‘you’re rubbish at managing money’ I would be a bit and snippy, yes. and I don’t actually think this reaction would be unjustified.

With DH and I it’s all fine until it’s money related. Things really came to a head with it last year until I ended up absolutely flipping my lid at him (uncharacteristically so) - things improved but now they are sliding again

If you don’t share finances then the money isn’t his business, tell him to stop talking about and being in a mood about something that isn’t his concern.

@Swaytheboat i gave absolutely minimal information, because I’m posting about my relationship, not money. As I’ve said, I’m really not inclined to engage further - I know that sounds rude and honestly I am ‘saying’ it as nicely as I can, I just don’t want pages of justifying things.

The problem is, he’s definitely decided it IS his business and in a legal sense it is: we are married.

I absolutely hate it. At least when I was single if I ended up skint tha was it, now I am skint AND stressed about DH.

To give a fuller picture; we have two very young children. One is in reception and one is in nursery (age two.) The school our eldest attends is rural, small and has no childminders or much by way of wraparound care - there’s after school clubs some nights but mostly it’s 9-330.

DH tends to be away a lot. Sometimes he’s in the office but this still means leaving the house at 7 and back at gone 7. Other times he’s away overnight . So during the week I hold the fort if you like. I work two days a week - these are the days DH works from home - but I can’t do any more at the moment although I plan to when both children are at school, which will be in 2027.

Since I only work two days I obviously don’t earn very much but since this is because of DHs job I do see it as a transactional arrangement. I was worried when I agreed to this that I’d be treated like a nuisance or a leech and DH insisted I wouldn’t be. But that’s not what happens. And I do feel sometimes I am treated like a SAHM with regard to the children yet expected to have the same amount. Of financial independence I had when I was working Ft.

That probably is unfair of me. But it’s how I feel.

Can you afford to pay it?

I would open the conversation with "before you interject with your thoughts can I talk through the letter you've seen.

It's unlikely we'll get a fine, this is the amount we owe and this is my proposed plan. Does this work for you?"

But, you have to acknowledge that being married means this is a him problem which, as far I can see, has primarily been caused by you? Unless you both manage the property admin you say you own. So if he gets panicked about it I think you should acknowledge that that's his right. If he is unable to have a sensible conversation despite that panic then I'd suggest you pause the conversation until he's had a chance to bring a solution to the table.

For what it's worth - it's a similar conversation framework I'd suggest in the workplace so I can understand where the initial comments were going!

Pay what? That isn’t a trick question, I haven’t received a bill yet, when I do and know how much it is, I will arrange to pay it.

I can see you’re upset. It comes out in most of your responses. I had exactly the same issues with my exh but I was suffering financial control… just didn’t know it at the time.

So back to your problem…
I think you’ve had some good advice here although you’re not very keen on the solutions.

Either find a way to talk to him under different circumstances… a pub supper, a country walk, a long car journey whatever it is that takes the pressure off sitting face to face across the kitchen table or get some outside help.

A few sessions of therapy would be great. It might cost, but surely that’s a price worth paying for a better footing on finances?

Do you have a mutual friend who could come over and referee the conversation? I appreciate it’s a private matter. Maybe one of your parents?

Beyond my suggestions above, only you know your husband and the best way.

Good luck op.

It isn’t unfair of you at all. You have said a few times that your dh is a good man. He doesn’t sound like it in any way shape or form.

@ThelastRolo20 - I don’t think so, although he does, he’d agree with that version of events to be sure. I wouldn’t but then I guess I wouldn’t, would I? For my part, I contacted HMRC saying that I believed I owed money and they’ve given me a form to fill in. I’m not sure what I should do or have done differently, to be honest.

By "arrange" do you mean that there is no concern for you about how you can pay? Do you expect your partner to put money imto this? Because honestly if you don't share finances and you aren't expecting him to contribute then why are you discussing it?

Just tell him to stop
Going on and on and interrupting you is awful
When he starts, put your hand up to stop him and tell him to stop interrupting or the conversation is over.

YABU! The money doesn't matter here; the issue is that you're trying to conceal the truth from your DH.

As you say yourself: it IS his business because you are married. He has every right to worry about an unknown, potentially expensive, issue - all the more so b/c you are being evasive, snippy and rude.

So as PPs suggest, plan a child-free time to set out your position on this asset and a tax bill + possible fine.

It may be that there's nothing to worry about but your way of handling things does not inspire confidence. In your DH's shoes, I too would be cross and worried. So actually, you should grit your teeth and deal with a grumpy DH since, you're putting the household finances at risk.

@WideOpenBeaches it isn’t that I’m not keen on the responses, it’s that I don’t appreciate being blamed on minimal information!

But I am afraid there’s no way we could do those things. There’s no one to have the children and in any case, no matter where we are it would turn into an argument or sniping which would then ruin an evening out we’d paid through the nose for. I just can’t seem to stop him insisting the worst is going to happen and it is frustrating. We’ve had a horrible evening. I can see new posts have come in and can’t see them yet sorry …

Op is trying to avoid her DH mood, its a separate thing
She's treading on eggshells

@tarheelbaby - I’m not on AIBU. I haven’t gone anything wrong here: I haven’t concealed anything (I just WISH I had!) Another example is I was overpaid maternity pay at work and I told DH about it and again wished I hadn’t, as he went on and on about it. It’s horrible as I just want to switch off from it sometimes and can’t.

It's hard to really say my own view given there isn't much info :) but sounds like it's solvable! Decide going forward how to (hopefully) not end up in the same situation.

Hope the conversation goes well

Maybe what your OP really said was 'my DH is an obsessive worrywort; how do I deal' - If that's the case, having been married to one, I can only say that you'll have to learn to cope from your side. You'll have to learn what soothes your DH's anxiety.

But I still think that your strategy of not telling him about financial issues so that you don't have to deal with his anxiety/moods only leads to greater fallout longer term when he realises you've been keeping stchum so maybe plan to have the tricky conversations earlier in the (tax) year.

If he's financially savvy, he might be helpful if you talk things through when it's not the day before HMRC payments ...

He sounds like he gets a kick out of the financial imbalance, making you feel unsettled and anxious at every turn and having put you into a weak financial situation by what could be seen as deception. I'd be hiding things too, to avoid the hassle. You urgently need finances changing so you each have equal money (n9t shared finances, but the same m9ney after household bills). Or get some individual councilling as this sounds pretty awful for you and I suspect other areas of your life together are not the best

I think you’ve misunderstood a bit @tarheelbaby ; I haven’t concealed anything. What I’ve said here is that I wish I hadn’th said anything because it’s just so much easier and pleasanter when I’m not endlessly listening to him going on about something. It isn’t necessarily financial but it does tend to be money or money related that gets him on this.

@Lavenderosemary i don’t think he’s quite like that. I do think the worry is genuine but we just can’t seem to agree on a shared approach and so at the moment we’re kind of inhabiting different spheres with each probably resenting the other a bit.

Ah, so he's a money-worrier type. Anxious and unsettled at the thought that A Big Ruinous Bill is immanent.

Just tell him to shut up, you've got it under control and are fed up of him harpingnon about it. Repeat every time he mention it. Time for you to push back.

You don't need a second property when you are housed. Sell it, put the money into savings and forget about it

Well, I may do so, but that isn’t what the thread is about

You’re conflating the trigger- money- with the issue, which is his behaviour.

You need to talk to him about his behaviour, not about money.
DH, when you are worried you take it out on us and it’s really unkind. It makes me and the kids very unsettled and unhappy. It’s not ok. We need you to find a better way to talk to us when you are worried about something.