Is coffee really that important? (lighthearted)

[exhaustDAD]

This is going to be drama-free. For some reason, the last few weeks in multiple aspects of my life I have seen/read people saying a potential partner not drinking coffee is a dealbreaker. Seen it pop up in some threads here, heard a coworker say it a few weeks back and today a friend was listing reasons why she decided not to go on a second date with a guy...

Did I miss something? Did this become the latest nonsense to be given more importance than it should be? I might be an old-fashioned guy in an old-fashioned marriage, but for some reason me not drinking coffee never caused a stir in my marriage with a coffee-drinking wife. Just like how I am not fussed about which flavour crisps she's choosing for an afternoon snack...haha

I like coffee but if I never drank it again I wouldn't be bothered.

After DH went rouge on the coffee pot the other morning and I ended up with ONE, I repeat ONE cup of coffee instead of two... So yeah, if a bloke doesn't drink coffee, that would be a bonus in my eyes ... after I divorced DH for drinking MY precious coffee.

That makes no sense. A ritual doesn't mean a thing that everyone does. Different people have different rituals. Drinking tea and coffee is a ritual for some people, a mundane habit for others, and not a thing at all for people who don't like it.

I like coffee but it doesn't like me. I love tea, and it is a bit of a ritual for me, but it's not at all weird that it isn't for everyone.

Ok so my take on what they might mean, so I'm a coffee drinker and I love going to different little coffee shops for one and maybe a bit of cake. It's my social life, I'd rather be in a coffee shop than a pub (though i don't mind the pub)

My ex husband didn't drink hot drinks at all so we'd never go to coffee shops, I know they sell cold drinks too but he never got the appeal, so we never went. My then last boyfriend did drink coffee but he was a snob with it, if we went to a coffee shop he'd do nothing but moan about how shit the coffee was. So we hardly ever went to coffee shops. See where I might be going with this..?

I was single for ages and happily took myself to a coffee shop whenever I could, I then started seeing someone who also likes coffee and coffee shops and it's bloody lovely. It's a big part of our social side and relationship.

Anyway that's just my take on what they might actually mean when they say they wouldn't date anyone who didn't drink coffee, I think it would actually be a deal breaker for me too

It's almost like the fact that someone doesn't drink (like your ex-husband) or does indeed drink (like your last boyfriend) has nothing to do with the actual quality or relationship... it's almost like it depends on the personality of the partner. Who knew? :)

Don't be daft, I'm not saying this was the only part of the person that mattered but when it's something you enjoy doing and the fact that they don't means you're at odds with them, maybe it's minor but it's something

It'd be the same as enjoying going out for a drink at the local, but then being with someone who doesn't drink and doesn't enjoy the pub.

If you're just going to be obtuse with your replies don't bother

Wasn't planning on being obtuse, @Likeoohlaalaala , I apologise. Only pointing out the obvious flaw in the logic.
Person 1 - doesn't drink coffee = bad/sad
Person 2 - drinks coffee = also bad/sad because he is an asshole about it.
All I did is point out the obvious here...

"when it's something you enjoy doing and the fact that they don't means you're at odds with them"
Does it? Does it necessarily mean that? That's how black and white everything is in your world? Again, this is a blooming' cup of hot beverage. If it was about important aspects of life, a general sense of morality, empathy, a sense of what's right and wrong, I could get behind that...But it matters so little what the other person has in their cup that if they cover it and you don't see, it affects none of your enjoyment of yours, has no impact on your day, mood, anything.. So your partner loves everything you love, and hates everything you hate - otherwise you are at odds with each other. And excuse me for being obtuse again, but that was your logic, not mine. I don't know, I enjoy growing oyster mushrooms at home. I find it rewarding, I am having fun doing it. My wife doesn't, that's a bit of a pickle then. I guess we are at odds now...

No you're missing my point entirely, it's not about what in the cup it's about the social side of getting what's in that cup. That my my point. It's irrelevant really whether it's coffee, alcohol, eating Indian food if its a social thing to do and your partner doesn't like doing it then it can impact a relationship, again in a minor way but still. Neither men are my exes because of their beverage choices FYI, but it was an issue for me that a thing I enjoyed doing as a social thing they didn't. Is that really so hard for you to understand?

I assume your mushroom growing doesn't invlove much socialising so it's not really a comparison is it.

You don't notice it, but you are making my points for me. Exactly that - the social aspect is what you enjoy (er-hemm, which means whatever is in their cup matters NOT, so this whole coffee vs no coffee point is immediately pointless... and this was the whole point of the thread, just to be blunt).
So if you and your partner sit there in cafe, restaurant or whatever, you enjoy the time you spend together, the occasion that the two of you went out... So whatever he orders to drink is completely, and utterly irrelevant. If he was a non-coffee drinker and ordered a hot chocolate in that cup or whatever, you'd have everything you enjoy in your ritual.
The mushroom-growing I brought in as an example to "being at odds", not the social aspect.

Nice try but I think I was right with the obtuse thing, you wish to be right so I'll leave you to your echo chamber

Drinking tea and/or coffee is not a ritual! It's a habit! Rituals are supposed to have significance and meaning, it's a wanky modern pretension to call coffee or tea-making a 'ritual'! I brew loose leaf tea - it takes longer than a tea bag - but it's called 'making a cup/pot of tea' - I'm not in a temple when I do it!

Some people like going to watch a film in the cinema (not me) some people prefer to watch at home where it's far more comfortable (me). It's just choices isn't it? Hardly a dealbreaker for a relationship - there are other things to do!

It's not 'icky' for any grown human not to drink any particular beverage. It's not 'icky' for any grown human to have preferences about how they watch films. It's called differences - which in most grown human relationships are respected and accommodated.

Feel free @Likeoohlaalaala . Great that you agree with yourself, a very respectable way to validate your points.. So we learned that you are right because you said so, and I just wish to be right... Pretty sure you'd struggle to find a lot of people reading through our exchange who wouldn't consider your view slightly odd, placing such a huge emphasis on what your other half is drinking. But yeah, I am the weird one for not considering the contents of my partner's cup to be so important. I guess, it's just my limited, obtuse understanding of the world...

I detest coffee, even the stench. I generally only drink tea if I’m cold. DH has never expressed any opinion on it in 30 years. I do have an equally bad diet cola habit and drink that in coffee shops regularly. None of my friends have ever commented on my avoidance of hot drinks (though someone did once give me a Twinings tea gift set in a work secret Santa, which I thought was at best unobservant). I would however be very loath to date someone who didn’t drink alcohol as it’s something I take so much pleasure in.

Bloody ridiculous in my opinion. I don't get the whole coffee saga either! I used to go to a slimming group and there were women there keeping a tab of how many syns were in whatever type of coffee from Costa because they "simply couldn't cope" not having their daily fix. You've got to be some kind of precious to have it as a deal breaker to seeing someone again FFS.

DH and I are quite happy despite his aversion to both coffee and tea. He has also only consumed about 5 alcoholic drinks in the last 30 years or so.

It’s really, really not the same.
Coffee literally changed the way that people live and work; instead of drinking beer all the time, coffee houses made people in Northern Europe sober, coffee houses where were the first insurance companies and such like emerged; they used to be male spaces, the growth of large plantations relied on slavery which in turn contributed to the economic dominance of Europe and global inequalities, so on (a very bad potted history). There are whole books written on the history and global importance of coffee - you cannot say the same for crisp flavours. I mean, it has a long historical and cultural presence. Of course this is a long way from your question, but the many meanings of coffee are qualitatively and quantitatively very far from crisp flavours.

That is a fair point @DaffodilTuesday - I will never deny the historical significance of coffee. It is not about that.

Dating someone who likes coffee. No problem as long as you don't try to kiss me after drinking it. Foul.
Wanking on about the beans, the blend, the origin, side of the mountain each bean grew on .....oh fuck off.

I have to admit I had a friend once who had admitted they'd 'given up coffee' and were now exclusively only drinking tea. Regaled the benefits etc etc. I think their beverage of choice was mint.

The friendship certainly cooled, I just couldn't look at them the same.

That's not always about the fact it's coffee, it's the ten minutes alone without any demands, peace to go through your emails, the sensations of hot drink, bitterness, the calmness of being able to sit there and just enjoy time devoted to something that is for pleasure, rather than just busy busy busy work work from the moment you walk in the door and hopefully get to sit down.

Somebody who doesn't understand the additional benefits from that might not be suited - after all, who wants to be doorstepped the moment they come into work by somebody who wants you to drop everything and rush to meet their wishes? (I may be biased, as the two people who did that also had a habit of waiting outside the toilet cubicles for you so they could get their demands in before the official start time, so their cards were already marked before their lack of understanding of the pleasure of a slower start became clear).

In addition, it's been seen on here that some people are so against the consumption that they'll immediately claim it's just like giving a kid crack to let them drink a cuppa. Nobody who drinks tea or coffee is going to be happy that their spouse thinks they're no different to a heroin addict giving their kid a dose of Methadone to keep them quiet whilst they shoot up, so any relationship is better not starting in the first place.

And then you have people who eschew it for religious reasons. It takes a particular person to be happy to enter into a relationship with a Mormon. But the internet is full of mormon influencers, so I can see how that might have caught on.

Having said that, I've met people who declare they wouldn't have any time for anybody who doesn't drink alcohol daily. The pressure to drink (and accusations that not drinking meant you were intellectually inadequate/clearly a closet alcoholic/etc) was completely offputting. They'd have been better off specifying that not drinking was a dealbreaker than being desperate to drag somebody who wasn't fussed or actively disliked either the taste or what it does to people into accepting and adopting the same behaviour.

If it is a make or break preference I can only assume ‘drinking coffee’ is a euphemism.

It's a bit sadder to be drinking alcohol with the other person not partaking.

I don't see what the problem would be with one person drinking coffee and the other having a tea or hot chocolate though.

I don’t drink alcohol and it’s been a deal breaker for some friends as potential dates. When I stopped drinking it actually caused issues in my marriage because dh said it’s no fun having a couple of drinks in his own and I’ve seen threads on here where women have said they’re annoyed their dh doesn’t enjoy alcohol and they feel lively not being able to share a bottle of wine.

I wonder if it’s a similar concept to that. Where coffee is an important part of their day and sharing trips to coffee shops or trying fancy coffee is something they want to do with a partner.

Im a total caffeine addict. I wouldn’t give a fuck if someone else didn’t drink it, but in the past I have had dh complain about me wanting to grab a coffee while we’re on a day out. Or moaning that I’m always carrying a flask about but I tell him when he stops treating his vape like some kind of toddlers dummy then he can take the moan about me taking a travel cup if coffee with me to drink in the car.

I know some people who don’t drink tea or coffee and find it a bit strange.
I rarely drink tea.

I get that, but you compared it with crisp flavourings which is a comparison that does not bear weight. Coffee is engrained in our culture historically and socially in a way that crisp flavours are not. People go on dates to coffee shops, they hold meetings in coffee shops, they write books in coffee shops, they know the baristas, they know the other regulars, it’s the rhythm of their lives. People who drink coffee probably live these cultural associations in a way that people who drink just water or whatever else do not. So I can see how compatibility over coffee drinking might be a thing and is a whole different level to whether you like salt and vinegar crisps.

Not that whether someone drinks coffee or not would be the foundation of a relationship for me, or a deal breaker, but it’s not comparable to crisp flavours.