No bedrooms for the kids...

[AlwaysSomethingThatsAnIssue]

Still a hypothetical situation really as partner and I wouldn't be seriously looking at moving in together until maybe the end of the year, but looking for opinions anyway. He's currently in a 2 bed flat (rented) whereas I have a 3 bed house (owned with mortgage) and he knows I never want to leave here if I can help it. He pretty much stays round here every night unless one of us has plans until late.

He separated from ex wife about five years ago - they have a DD 9 and DS 15. Acrimonious split and still don't get on well, there are often times where she will say he can't have the kids (sometimes will say they have plans when they don't, changes days/times last minute etc). At the moment he sees them a couple of times a week - they don't stay over due to the logistics of getting to/from school and work the next morning, the times don't add up and obviously at his they would need to share a room.

I WFH and would need one of my bedrooms to stay as an office as there's nowhere else in the house to set up properly. The other room is a proper spare bedroom with bed, etc. But obviously at that age and opposite sex the kids couldn't share - and they couldn't have one bedroom each - but obviously right now they don't stay over anyway (and don't ask to) - but what if that changes?

Would it be horrendous for him to keep seeing the kids, taking them out, etc. and then not stay over? There would be a bed for them, just they couldn't stay both together unless one stayed on a pop up or sofa bed (we could fit one in the kitchen/diner I suppose).

Or do I need to give up my dream house and accept we would need 4 bedrooms?

Yes, that would be horrendous and I would think very little of your partner, if he agreed to that set up.

You will need to move, if you want live together.

I would stay put. The current striation seems to work well.

He needs to keep his flat and stay there!! Clearly the kids manage to stay there? It is HIS kids not yours and you already have yourself a cocklodger - unless he pays you for half of the bills and food seeing as he’s using half of them at your house? No? Didn’t think so

They could take it in turns to stay over?
Means they get 1:1 time with dad and with their mum

Don’t give up your house. If you don’t look out for your self interest, no one else will.

Mumsnet says that there is no one more likely to fall in love with a woman than a man, with or without kids of his own, looking for housing that suits him (and comes with sex, too).

If you have never seen them in a day to day, living at home situation, don’t entertain the idea. You have NO IDEA what they are like.

Roll Down / Day Bed in the office.

how big is your office room? Could it not work as an occasional bedroom and an office?

So he never has his kids overnight, even at weekends? That's pretty bad.

Anyway, yes of course they both need a room in whatever house you end up in. Whether they'll actually want to use it is another matter.

Yes it would be bad if he doesn't have them sleep over. The fact that he doesn't is already really bad and his excuses about logistics are bs as they don't have school at the weekend.
A man who is unwilling to put his kids 1st and have them overnight is not someone worth dating

The kids don't stay at his now - I've explained in the original post. And yes he does pay for bills and food, and does the majority of the housework (I work longer hours)

Sofa bed for occasional use sounds fine - but is there anyway you can fit that in your office ?

stay where you are

I would continue living separately because it wouldn’t be great for the kids.

Based on stories that I read on here, I wouldn’t discount things changing after the kids finish education /go to uni and need a holiday base and wanting to change residence but that’s presumably like 3+ years away. As long as ex continues living near you and is able to look after the kids, I would continue the current arrangement.

Whatever happens do NOT put him on thr deeds or sell your house

I wouldn’t have much respect for a man who never has his children overnight.

I would not move until you have lived together for at least a couple of years and see how that goes. See how it works and if the dc enjoy coming round to yours - his dc are old enough that if they come round regularly and start to talk about wishing they could stay over then you can be honest and open with them that that is definitely a serious consideration and at that point you can discuss it. It can be hard for SDC to stay in someone else’s home (you only have to read the threads on here!) so you don’t want to be rushing to buy with your dp and then it not work out and you are now in a situation that you can’t easily get out of.
Why is your dp renting? Can he afford to get a mortgage? Will you be wanting dc with him?

Moving in sounds like a recipe for conflict. Don't do it

When my dad was alive he had a 2 bed ground floor flat (it was an old house divided up so quite big). At times there would be several members of family staying there. He had a camp bed in a kitchen alcove and we took blow beds to sleep in the front room. It can be done.

Could you extend into the loft?

In only 3 years his DS will be an adult and possibly moving away to university. It seems a shame to give up your ideal home on the basis of a short term advantage for someone else's family. Surely a day bed in the office or taking turns at staying would still be an improvement on now? If nothing else, it would be silly to sell up - given how much you love your house - before you've tried living together, because even though he's there a lot, the dynamics will shift and it's good to check you're still happy a year or so down the line.

Wow he has a flat where his kids can never stay overnight? Dad of the year!

i hope you are not considering more babies.

💯

Sounds like a whole loads of excuses - from both of you. He could have his kids overnight (weekends or school holidays) but chooses not to.

You could have an office set up in your bedroom or put a sofa bed in your office, you could put bunk beds in the spare room.

Don’t sell your house, I’d put money on the relationship not lasting and you losing half your home.

That might change surely.

Do not disrupt your dc's home to accommodate this man.

I don't have any kids

@SchoolDilemma17 absolutely not no

The important thing is for you not to give up your house. The rest is purely hypothetical. I am personally not in a habit of trying to solve problems I don't yet have. So far his kids are not staying overnight and there is no indication that it will change in the future. As they say, you cross that bridge when it comes to it.
I have a futon in my office and a spare bedroom and also a sofa bed in my living room. It's all quite workable as a weekend solution.