No bedrooms for the kids...

[AlwaysSomethingThatsAnIssue]

Still a hypothetical situation really as partner and I wouldn't be seriously looking at moving in together until maybe the end of the year, but looking for opinions anyway. He's currently in a 2 bed flat (rented) whereas I have a 3 bed house (owned with mortgage) and he knows I never want to leave here if I can help it. He pretty much stays round here every night unless one of us has plans until late.

He separated from ex wife about five years ago - they have a DD 9 and DS 15. Acrimonious split and still don't get on well, there are often times where she will say he can't have the kids (sometimes will say they have plans when they don't, changes days/times last minute etc). At the moment he sees them a couple of times a week - they don't stay over due to the logistics of getting to/from school and work the next morning, the times don't add up and obviously at his they would need to share a room.

I WFH and would need one of my bedrooms to stay as an office as there's nowhere else in the house to set up properly. The other room is a proper spare bedroom with bed, etc. But obviously at that age and opposite sex the kids couldn't share - and they couldn't have one bedroom each - but obviously right now they don't stay over anyway (and don't ask to) - but what if that changes?

Would it be horrendous for him to keep seeing the kids, taking them out, etc. and then not stay over? There would be a bed for them, just they couldn't stay both together unless one stayed on a pop up or sofa bed (we could fit one in the kitchen/diner I suppose).

Or do I need to give up my dream house and accept we would need 4 bedrooms?

He's got a 2 bedroom but his kids never stay over. He has a high conflict relationship with his ex.

You have a 3 bedroom but need one for you and another for home office.

Why would you want to move him in? Just keep things the way they are.

I think keep your house. It sounds like if push comes to shove you could accommodate them overnight in your current set up.
I have a relative (split family) who is about to get themselves mortgaged up to their eyeballs to buy a huge house so that all their nearly grown up children have their own room. Seems madness to me as the house will be empty half the time!

Might that not change?

I woud still keep things as they are. Men who have kids from previous relationships whom they don't even manage to have overnight would not be someone to permanently share your house with imo.

Can he sell his flat and put the money towards an extension so it can be a home for everyone?

They are a package. Even if he’s not seeing them much now things can change very quickly. They could fall out with mum and start living with you full time next month. This is how you need to think.

Who brought up the subject of moving in? Why did you say it wouldn’t be till the end of the year?

I think it’s unacceptable that his kids don’t stay over with him.

However I’m wondering why you think that will change?

Has he suggested they start staying over if he moves in with you? Because that would have the alarms bells ringing for me.

He rents

There's absolutely no reason he can't have both kids to stay in a 2 bedroom flat. Occasionally sharing a bunk bed room with a divider is fine for opposite sex siblings, or he could just give the spare room to one of them & have the other one on a sofa bed. He's being a bit crap tbh.

For that matter, there's no reason you couldn't do exactly that with them at your place either...but I really, really wouldn't. You don't have a relationship with his kids, you clearly don't fancy the idea of having them stay - which is completely fair enough! If he's got nowhere else to go because he's given up his flat & moves in, then one of the kids falls out with mum/she becomes seriously ill then suddenly you've got full time child(ren) you never wanted or planned for.

I would stay exactly as you are. You can reconsider when they are older & it would just be a case of separate visits in the spare room.

@Gloriia we are both in our 40s already and that's without my hysterectomy....so absolutely, definitely not 😂

@Favouritefruits he rents currently

@IAmKerplunk we've both brought it up on occasion but it's only recently we've started talking about practicalities

@excelledyourself no indication that it will change, although the ex also doesn't currently want them to stay - they may want to once it's up to them

These men always manage to A not provide adequate housing for their own children post split, B find a self sufficent woman with her own home and more space for THEIR own offspring, C start fighting for full or 50/60 custody to facilitate paying their ex less CM once they've got their foot through the door.

Be smart and stay living seperatley.

It’s not up to his ex. He should have sorted this years ago, via court if necessary.

And their mum never gets a break?

This. I'm sure he will tell you it's all his ex's fault but it really does give you some indication of the kind of man he is.
Keep your financial independence and just have him to stay over when it suits you.

I wouldn't let him move in, he needs to think of his kids first. They need a room more than you need an office.
Keep things the way they are or buy a bigger house. Once kids hit 18, its not a case they no longer need a room, or is it a case once they reach 18, that's it?

Agree with this. How long have you two been together? You like your current house anyway. A move is a downgrade for you. He, on the other hand, gets an easy fix for his childcare and housing issues.

I think his priority should be finding a place for himself where he can have his kids overnight. Can't he at least get one room set up for one and a convertible sofa bed for the other? He needs to focus on that and on building up his ability to spend time with them for the next few years. After that you two can revisit the idea of moving in together. Nothing stopping him continuing to stay at yours when he doesn't have his kids. But it's not acceptable to be a parent who can't ever have their kids overnight, now or in the future.

Keep your house and your energy. He has been more than happy with the current arrangement. It doesn’t matter if the internet thinks he should do better. These aren’t your kids! Don’t give up your house. Let him come up with a solution!

Keep things as they are. He's staying at your house loads anyway so it's not like you don't see him. He can keep his flat or ideally get a bigger one to accommodate both of his children. You keep your home. It will be so, so, so much easier down the line if this doesn't work out or if there are issues with the DC as they get older. You've got the perfect setup, don't change it!

Yes why on earth didn't he do what every other parent does when a relationship breaks down and get a court order.

The ex is not the boss when it comes to seeing his kids. So he is either wet/useless or lying. Neither of which make an ideal choice for a permanent house sharing partner.

He can always take his wife to court for proper 'visitation'

Also no reason he can’t share his room with his son when he stays - a friend in a similar situation shares with her daughter.
Flimsy excuse.

Just to add for those of you saying he should see them more/fight it, etc. I do agree but at the end of the day it's not my business and it's between him and his ex. He does pay a substantial amount of money for the kids and pays towards my bills/food, etc. as well as doing a lot round my house. It would just be a smarter financial decision to only be paying for one property...

Agreed.

You just know his ex is on mumsnet moaning about what a part time Disney Dad he is... !

How long have you been together?

The money he's giving you for bills and food could go toward renting a 3 bed instead of a 2 bed, and he could spend more time with his kids than his girlfriend.

Smarter for him. Not for you!

He gains massively. You won't (unless you're struggling to pay your mortgage or similar?).