No bedrooms for the kids...

[AlwaysSomethingThatsAnIssue]

Still a hypothetical situation really as partner and I wouldn't be seriously looking at moving in together until maybe the end of the year, but looking for opinions anyway. He's currently in a 2 bed flat (rented) whereas I have a 3 bed house (owned with mortgage) and he knows I never want to leave here if I can help it. He pretty much stays round here every night unless one of us has plans until late.

He separated from ex wife about five years ago - they have a DD 9 and DS 15. Acrimonious split and still don't get on well, there are often times where she will say he can't have the kids (sometimes will say they have plans when they don't, changes days/times last minute etc). At the moment he sees them a couple of times a week - they don't stay over due to the logistics of getting to/from school and work the next morning, the times don't add up and obviously at his they would need to share a room.

I WFH and would need one of my bedrooms to stay as an office as there's nowhere else in the house to set up properly. The other room is a proper spare bedroom with bed, etc. But obviously at that age and opposite sex the kids couldn't share - and they couldn't have one bedroom each - but obviously right now they don't stay over anyway (and don't ask to) - but what if that changes?

Would it be horrendous for him to keep seeing the kids, taking them out, etc. and then not stay over? There would be a bed for them, just they couldn't stay both together unless one stayed on a pop up or sofa bed (we could fit one in the kitchen/diner I suppose).

Or do I need to give up my dream house and accept we would need 4 bedrooms?

For him, it would make sense to pay for one property for him, he wouldn't be making any sacrafices here only you, infact allthe sacrafices are yours if you do this.

How much could he put toward one property if he doesn't have his own property to sell?

I wouldn’t think very highly of a man who has wiggled out of having his kids due to ‘logistics’.
How does he think all working parents manage?

To be honest yes I am - I have a lot of debt to pay and a mortgage that keeps going up and up. Trying to move on in my career but opportunities are limited

It isn't your business I agree it just gives you an idea of the kind of man he is but If you're in debt and struggling then you might have to.
Just have an airbed for the living room if his kids do ever stay.
Don't buy a 4bedder with him, that would be madness.

Well the both of you are gaining with him moving in, except the kids?

I had a dad , who moved for work 3hrs away from his kids , post divorce, rent out my tiny one bed flat for 5years so he could see his kids, if all three kids were there , his girls had bunk beds in the bedroom him and his son shared the double sofa bed with him

he made it work because he wanted it to

as an aside ,if his kids coming to stay over is something in the future in your current house ,have a look at study beds for your office , a full desk , full bed ,no need to move any thing from the desk when in bed mode ,not ideal maybe, but better then a bed in the main living areas perhaps ??

Good grief no op. Do not move this man in. As it stands you have everything to lose, and he has everything to gain. He needs to sort out appropriate living arrangements so his kids can stay over, not move into someone’s house and expect them to accommodate him/his kids,

It's your business because 100% he will expect them have a room each once he moved in and then you are stuck being the unreasonable one. Why doesn't it bother you that he's not gone to court for access long ago? A decent loving parent and person would have done that straight away. There's more to it and he isn't telling you a decent reason why not.

Also, financially it's only smarter for him, as he gets to stop renting. You don't need his money, you are managing fine on your own, just leave things as they are.

But if you decide to ignore all the advice on this thread and if he ever DID move in - for gods sake get legal advice first on the right sort of agreeement so he can't wangle some claim on the house when you split up in future.

Since for the last five years he hasn’t stepped up to the plate as a parent by ensuring that his children have somewhere to stay that gives them a suitable space to sleep and makes it possible to get to school then I don’t see that it is somehow now your responsibility to sell your house and use your equity and capital to buy somewhere that solves this issue for him.

If the current arrangement suits you, then leave it as it is. But I would be thinking less of him for not sorting things out for his children for such a long time, his ex might be difficult but that doesn’t let him off the hook.

I never had a bedroom at my Dads house as a kid but stayed over regularly. Me, sister and brother would either bunk in with my step sisters or sleep in the living room. Could you add a bed to the office room (Murphy bed, futon, etc) and have them stay on a Friday or Saturday night so no work the next day?

Google the 'Studybed' OP. It is a brilliant desk which just pulls down to become a bed in 3 seconds. You can leave all the bedding on, so it's ready to go. I've had one for 3 years for when my daughter comes to stay. But most of the time it's my desk. Worth every penny. You can have matching units with it too and a roll out filing cabinet to go underneath which can become a bedside table. I have the small double.

I’d actually be seriously reconsidering a relationship with him. This is a man who doesn’t put his children’s needs before his own. Is that really the sort of person you want to be with? Sure he might be prioritising you right now but if he can treat his kids badly, he can definitely do the same to you.

Don’t compromise your life choices for him. You have everything to lose where he has everything to gain.

Abolutely this! How anyone can find a man who cannot be bothered to organise himself in a way that he can house his own children attractive is beyond me. People who are shit parents usually end up being shit partners too. He is on his best behaviour right now because OP has something he wants, but he has very little to offer anyone.

I would seek out some independent financial advice. It may be that moving in with your partner is a good financial move for you, but be absolutely clear. There may well be a better way to manage finances that doesn't involve becoming a stepmum to two kids/going from living alone to potentially sharing with three other people.

I would definitely question whether selling and up sizing is a good idea. I can't see how that could possibly be a sensible long-term decision. If anything is downsize and reduce your mortgage and carry on loving independently.

If you decide that moving in together is the right decision FOR YOU (it's obvious that it is for him!) then I don't think you need to move. Just find a way to convert the office into a bedroom as well (easily done) or find a way to convert the spare room into two small separate rooms.

His parental responsibilities say he should be providing housing for his DC. If a man can't even be a good Dad what hope does he have for being a decent partner? I don't think you can take the claims about Mum seriously, if he was telling the truth he would be renting a 3 bed with bedrooms set out for both DC. If Mum is taken ill or dies tommorow the DC need to move in there and then. It is a non starter, you will likely go ahead with it and regret it though.

I’m absolutely baffled why you would be attracted to a man who parents like this. Who doesn’t parent I should say.

I think him moving in should be treated like him being lodger in your house to help both of your financial situations. Keep his children out from staying overnight in your house as if he house share or be a lodger he can't have them stay because there will be no space. His contact with his children is his problem to deal with. If he can't deal with that now with his current set-up, you are not here for him to sacrifice your comfort and convenience. Look after yourself and don't be tricked. If he does not behave well or take you for granted then at least you can get him to leave easily without the complications of sharing a property

How big is the study? Room for a sofa bed?
Twin beds in the spare room?

Don't move him in until you are really confident it's for good.

FYI- if you’re in England then kids can pick where they stay at age 12ish. If the older child wanted you to then she’d be allowed by a judge to decide how much contact she had with each parent and the younger one isn’t far behind that point either.

I would definitely consider him a bad parent for not being able to accommodate his children or get them to school if he were to have them. That is really very basic parenting, which everyone else just has to work out (can you imagine if the DC's other parent also took the approach).

Moving in with you won't make him any worse of a parent then he already is, but I'm not seeing what you could possibly gain by having a resident deadbeat.

I disagree. It is VERY telling of his character and you should be making judgments based on this alone.

No wonder it’s acrimonious, poor ex hasn’t had a night, weekend or school holiday off for 5 years.

Smarter for who?

Ask yourself that one. Which one of you would benefit far more than the other?
Clue: it's not you.

No way would I move this man into my house!

Keep things as they are. You have so much to lose if things go wrong.