Who are you and what have you done with DP?

[supersop60]

Semi light hearted.
My DP is like a different person when we’re around other people.
Last night I went to see a show where he was in the orchestra. We picked up a colleague of his on the way.
Suddenly this jolly happy person emerged, where minutes before he’d been moaning about having to go out, the rain, the dark mornings etc
He also normally drives like a grandad - eg 30 mph in national speed limit zone. Nope, L last night doing 82 on the local dual carriageway. I had to say something, but he insisted it was 75 (I could quite clearly see the display)
In the conversation about screens v books, he said ‘ Ih I always prefer a real book’. He hasn’t picked up a book in years, many unread Xmas presents on the shelf.
The only thing that was consistent was that he parked 15 mins away from the venue because it was free, and made us walk in the cold wind so he didn’t have to pay parking. I would have offered to pay if I’d known.
Does anyone else’s partner do this?

He used to do the parking thing but now knows it's not worth the wrath of my tongue!! Still tries lol.
I also understand the Mr grumpy with me but very sociable once others involved..
Men!!

It's because he was doing something that he loves, not a day to day existence thing. He gets the adrenaline rush of a performance and the dopamine hits of being in the music, being around others who love the same thing, the applause, the sheer happiness of both musicians and audience.

Is there anything you do that makes you feel truly alive?

I’ve never figured out the parking as far away from the destination either

You say light hearted but it's actually a form of abuse.

Being nice to everyone else but angry/irritable/grumpy to you. Usually for no reason.

I've not experienced it in a partner but my father was an extreme version of this.
Absolutely admired and respected in his profession and in his tireless work for the community, pleasant and helpful and interested in everyone outside the home.

But behind closed doors he was a totally different person. Tyrannical, nasty and totally disinterested in his own family.

That’s no excuse for being a twat the rest of the time. You can’t be married and only be nice on the rare few times you’re doing something you ‘really love’. He should ‘really love’ his everyday life with his wife and not be such a miserly moany person.

Op life’s too short to be with a mean spirited tight arse.

@NeverDropYourMooncup he does love playing, it’s what he trained for. But I can guarantee if the other lady hadn’t been in the car, he’d have moaned about the terrible pay, Donald Trump, lack of sleep, music exams, difficult parents ( he also teaches).
There was very little adrenaline or joy for him in the performances this week. The band was on show, do he couldn’t go on his phone in the boring bits.

@Screamingabdabz thats what makes me sad. The man I see when we’re with others is the man I first met. Life, money, children have changed things.
Maybe I’m different too. Hard to tell.

@zipadeeday he’s not horrible to me. He is grumpy and moany around the house. He stomps about, swears a lot, slams the front door etc It’s very wearing.
The money thing needs a whole other thread.

You do realise your DP isn't come out looking great from your description, OP. He could have dropped you off close to the venue rather than force you to walk in the cold to save a few quid. That would have been a more loving and considerate thing to do. And driving at 82 on a dual carriageway is quite frankly dickish.

Basically you're saying he saves the best of himself for other people, and you get the scraps. Is that all you think you deserve? To your question, no my DH doesn't sound remotely like your DP and I wouldn't be with him if he did. Sorry but you did ask!

Please get rid of him OP.

He really is.

Is this a new development?

This colleague - a woman?

To a degree, I think this is fairly normal. We may let our guard down when with our closest family. We can't always put on a 'show' for them. If we've had a rough week or feel ill or grumpy, we should be able to be honest with our OH and not put on a fake jolly front.

Then someone we know less is around, we feel we have to make an effort.

But be on your guard if it;s a habit he's got into. Or if he's trying to impress others rather than just be polite.

I think we all put on a different face for other people. You might have one "face" for your mother, another for colleagues/hobby groups and yet another for total strangers. But having said all of that, I've witnessed way more men being cunts to their wives and yet transforming into Mr Wonderful outside the home. I think it's largely a male thing. Basically most of them don't like domestic bliss and a shortage of money.

i agree - we should be able to relax and be ourselves at home. I have wondered if DP is ND since there has been so much talk around it in the media etc, and if he is masking most of the time.

Yes, and I see what you’re thinking. He only met her 3 days ago, she’s 40 years younger than us and happens to live nearby so a lift to the same venue makes sense.
(he does tend to ‘rescue’)
ETA the show finishes tomorrow

He’s not ND. he is abusive. He dictates the mood of your house by his very presence. Abusers are often quite plausible to those in the outside world. You and he should not be together.

Bit extreme! I think most people behave differently around family and relative strangers, don’t they?

I used to have one like this - when I questioned him he said he only had limited energy to put on a happy face -which he did for the benefit of everyone else and I was left with the real grumpy version.

Don’t put up with it.

No most people behave decently both around their family and people in the outside world. Ops man is putting on an act in front of other people so he can appear plausible and have op doubt herself.

He put on an act just long enough to draw her in and she so wants that man to return. It was a mirage, the act was never real.

My mystic meg senses predict a lot more lifts and rescuing with this young colleague, so keep your wits about you OP.

Sounds like he was trying to impress someone. 🤔

Did any of his other colleagues go to watch his performance last night?

By colleagues, I mean other instrumentalists. Who were taking part.