Who are you and what have you done with DP?

[supersop60]

Semi light hearted.
My DP is like a different person when we’re around other people.
Last night I went to see a show where he was in the orchestra. We picked up a colleague of his on the way.
Suddenly this jolly happy person emerged, where minutes before he’d been moaning about having to go out, the rain, the dark mornings etc
He also normally drives like a grandad - eg 30 mph in national speed limit zone. Nope, L last night doing 82 on the local dual carriageway. I had to say something, but he insisted it was 75 (I could quite clearly see the display)
In the conversation about screens v books, he said ‘ Ih I always prefer a real book’. He hasn’t picked up a book in years, many unread Xmas presents on the shelf.
The only thing that was consistent was that he parked 15 mins away from the venue because it was free, and made us walk in the cold wind so he didn’t have to pay parking. I would have offered to pay if I’d known.
Does anyone else’s partner do this?

Has he got previous form for rescuing supposed damsels in distress?.

He was preening for the younger woman.

I mean, you said he was like when you first met.

He's got a persona he drags out and puts on for show, but you get the worst of him. I'd talk with him about his negativity, that's really wearing to live with.

JFC not everything a man does that you disagree with is a form of abuse.
Peak MN.

I honestly wouldn’t look too into this OP.

Ive recently been having this conversation with a Psychologist. Most people have a persona that they share with others. Then the one who’s different at home and safe. It definitely rings true with me.

Well let's be honest most of us if picking up a colleague wouldn't be all grumpy in front of them and make them feel awkward. The driving fast thing sounds like adrenaline and the reading books sounds like he was trying to impress her. Sounds like he fancies her.

I have trouble with this. That work/school gets the best of my husband and kids but I’m the emotional punchbag that gets the crumbs that are left over.

things have got better but it wasn’t until I asked.

Semi light hearted.

this isn’t remotely light hearted. This is a depressing insight in to an unhappy relationship.

And the thought of him perking up like a peacock in front of the much younger female colleague is… gross

@Notmyreality

did you miss He stomps about, swears a lot, slams the front door etc It’s very wearing.

Not only damsels. Any of his friends. He’ll go above and beyond for anyone. Sometimes whether they ask or not.

You’re not happy are you @supersop60 ?

This sounds an absolutely horrible way to live. Not just for you but your children too. And to an extent, him. Surely everyone wants a harmonious life where you all just get on and enjoy being together, not waiting to see the man you used to enjoy being with but only seeing him for tiny amounts of time and displayed for others? Can you not say this to him? It’s all sounds so desperately sad to be honest. It made my heart ache reading how he’s changed for you.

Except you it seems.

@Caughtletren oof! I don’t want to start to answer that. Worms everywhere.

It’s your life, but this sounds shit

I think you need to open that can of worms….

He is disrespecting you in plain sight.

@Caughtletren I’m here as you suggested on the other thread. I don’t know where to start, or even if I want to. Maybe ask questions?

You have said this man stomps around, shouts, slams doors.

quite simply, are you happy?

Has he ever had an affair?

Not really relevant but he clearly doesn't play the double bass if he's happy to walk 15 minutes carrying his instrument 🙃 I agree with PP - he is disrespectful to you and it would give me the rage.

@Owly11 the instrument is in a hand held case or a back pack. Although sometimes he needs 3 different instruments.

@Caughtletren he had an emotional affair with the mother of one of his students about 12 years ago. I had a thread on here about it.

I’m not surprised. He sounds as though he was puffing out his chest showing off to these females colleague, who no doubt thinks he’s a sleaze bag

I am not surprised either. You are too good for him and he is still taking advantage of you big time.

It could be argued your relationship should have ended there and then.

He’s not quite like that. It’s more like he likes being the helpful one, rather than an actual desire to help IYSWIM.
He’s very ‘I can do that for you/ I can give you a lift/ I can fix your fence’ . He’s very does it with male friends too. And he always knows best of course “ why didn’t they ask me? I know where to get the best car/ shed/piano etc”
And people go along with it. Meanwhile our garage roof leaks, the trim around the flooring isn’t finished, I’m sure there’s more.
The DC 25 and 22 can’t wait to leave home and they don’t ask him for help because he takes over.
Im in danger of rambling on.

What do you think your life without him would look like, OP? And I agree with others, he's not very nice.