How common is it for men to love their partners but not find them physically attractive, do you think?

[OnTheTrainGoingHome]

Just that really.

I read lots of threads on here where women talk about their partners still fancying them and finding them sexy after many years together and through the physical changes of age, illness and motherhood so there must be some men out there who do, at least!

I know that being found attractive by men isn't the be all and end all but I think it's kind of important and pretty normal to want to be found attractive by the person you're in a relationship and having sex with?

Earlier, I was reflecting on my relationships over the years including my current one and I'm just not sure I've ever been with someone who really saw me in that way. I think they've mostly found me attractive enough to not be repulsed or put off by me but its my personality they've been drawn to (and apparently I'm quite funny) but I feel weird having sex with someone knowing that they don't actually find me desirable. If I'm honest.

I don't know. How important is it? Would it bother you? (It does bother me).

What I would say is that pre the age of 49, this is the way I thought my partners saw me. This was partly I didn’t think I was an attractive person, especially my body between shoulders and thighs. Since a big change in my life and a period of time having a lot more sex, I now see it differently. My partners never complimented me verbally, and behaved in ways that i didn’t understand. But having spent time with a lot more men, I now do believe my partners were attracted to me, and I have understood that I have a perfectly normal body, even a nice body.

Do you think you are attractive?

I'm male, married, and still find my almost 60-year old wife very attractive. But - speaking as a heterosexual male - I know that a woman's personality can create genuine physical attraction.

What's interesting from your post is that there's nothing there to suggest your partner doesn't find you attractive. You seem to talk about how you believe they feel - but don't know.

I'm around that age now. And I would say I feel the same and have had similar experiences even down to not feeling attractive between my shoulders and thighs.

I don't know if I think I'm attractive tbh.

Let's just say I haven't plucked the idea out of thin air.

He's not been unkind though. We get on brilliantly, always laugh together, have similar interests. We'd rather hang put together than do anything else really but...

I just never get the sense that he ever looks at me and thinks wow or anything like that. Like he'll tell me I look nice very occasionally if I've got dressed up for something but it's all a bit like how you say nice to meet you to someone you've just been introduced to. Just the done thing.

But it's never been any different in any relationship I've had.

I don't know if I'm expecting too much.

I had a relationship with a man who was extremely effusive about his physical attraction to me and it's was great... Until I discovered I wasn't the only one he spoke to like that! I think look at a man's behaviour rather than his what he says. As they say, talk is cheap. Try not to fill in the blanks with your own words.

It turned out to be important to me, yes.

I have tended to have long term partners who don’t initiate sex. I think nice men may deal with the dilemma of how not to be a sex pest by never initiating. The most my late Dh would do was to kiss me, or to make a mildly saucy joke. I think this can be kind and respectful, but it’s also about fear of rejection. Over a period of years, I came to feel that he just didnt want sex with me, or that he had a generalised desire for sex but not so much with me. By ten years or so, I was having to force myself to initiate - I did have a sex drive and I do think that sex should be part of a marriage, and I did quite often enjoy at least part of it, but I became so completely sick of being the only one who initiated, and feeling as if I was his only sexual option and not a very good one.

I do think this was almost entirely in my head.

I'm in this bracket - when I met my husband I was 26, thin, blonde, breasted and able bodied.

I am now 46, disabled, have had risk reducing mastectomies, major abdominal surgery and saggy skin from my pregnancies.

I have no doubt my husband loves me.

But he would rather shit in his hands and clap than touch me.

Whilst I would like to be desired, and am convinced that a world this big and diverse must contain someone who would find my unique body desirable, I don't derive my self worth from the male gaze - I couldn't be prouder of the challenges I overcome every day and I have two cracking vibrators.

I don’t think it’s that common at all. Obviously, lots of men probably are attracted to lots of women they see wandering about in day to day life, but that definitely doesn’t mean they aren’t attracted to their partners. They might even be assholes who cheat on their partners, but they do it because they’re assholes, not because they don’t find them attractive. I think men have a fairly low threshold for sexual attraction. I think it’s probably more likely they find a woman annoying or a big PITA, maybe not really enjoy being around her, but still find her attractive.

This is one I can relate to, my partner had only told me once that I was “beautiful”. Compliments are rare like you describe. However in terms of how he acts, he’s always holding my hand when we are out or his hand just rests on my inner thigh, he will kiss and cuddle me and initiate most of the sex, will flirt and make saucy references. He plans really lovely days out for us too - I think surely he would find me attractive if he does all this? It’s odd for me as ExH and other men I have been with always without fail commented on my physicality or how good looking I was. But the one person I want to hear it from fails me.

Thanks for the replies. It's interesting to hear other people's perspectives.

We probably only had sex half a dozen times or so last year. The last time was end of August/beginning of September. It was him who initiated. I'd stopped that a while ago because sex only ever worked if he initiated but this feeling as if I was his only sexual option and not a very good one really resonated. Sex happened with me but was separate from me. If that makes sense.

I withdrew from it in the end because I always felt like sex happened because something or someone had roused his interest but that someone was never me, which was why it never worked if I tried initiating 😕

He hasn't made any comment at all about the lack of sex. Everything else is as normal. I don't even know how I feel about it.

I assume he has just found another outlet rather not having sexual desire anymore🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not even sure how I feel about it. We get on brilliantly, we're really compatible in many way, similar outlooks on life, make each other laugh - he dropped a comment a while ago in conversation along the lines of most men grow up eventually and are a bit more realistic about the sort of woman they can actually get but it made me realise that that was me - the woman he could realistically get.

The thing about being conventionally attractive though is that men will pretend to find you funny/charming/interesting in order to have sex with you and at some point you work out that you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t even like you. It’s pretty humiliating

That sounds equally depressing!

That sort of comment would really piss me off. And it's an absolute passion killer.

If I was you, OP, I'd focus on developing your own sense of attractiveness and sexual confidence. Work on your looks, your posture, your hair, clothes, scent etc until you find you bloody gorgeous.

Men are basic creatures. A lot of them find women sexy if women radiate sexual confidence.

I think it’s a hard one for women to accept in general and some will use every excuse in the book for their men who don’t want to sleep with them anymore. When they ask about it on here they also get answers that rarely mention this.

I often read….

“‘Maybe he is depressed”
”Get his testosterone checked”
”He watches too much porn”

etc etc

Very rarely is an answer.

”Maybe he doesn’t fancy you anymore”

Yet I’m sure this will be the answer in many instances.

If you’re not having sex at all, thats quite serious. It does sound as if you are assuming a lot though. Has he tried to talk about it?

A comment like that is a killer. My Dh told me he couldn’t feel much any more, when we had sex after ds was born. It took me ten years to get over that - tbh in fact within our relationship I never really did. I bought training weights. I used to squeeze so hard I gave myself cramp. It wasn’t until after he’d very sadly died and I had sex with someone else and said to him ‘if you need a particular position or anything to feel something, tell me but do it gently’ that he looked at me oddly and just said ‘you are completely normal’ and I just felt this knot untie.

But I know Dh loved me. I really don’t think he intended to hurt me that much, or not for more than a bad moment.

@OnTheTrainGoingHome after your update on the sex situation, I think it’s really denting your confidence. You sound like two very good housemates and of course you are not going to be happy with this, as it hasn’t always been like this. A big chunk of a romantic relationship is being left out. I know that if sex dropped for me it would worry me ( it’s usually 2-4 times a week) I know my partners love language is physical and not verbal. That and acts of service. It’s not ideal for me as I’d love a compliment that only a partner can give but that’s not the man I’m with. Maybe a guy that just talks would actually have a silver tongue with no substance, who knows?

It probably varies

I had an ex who told me, that if I lost weight....I could be really pretty 😬

Oh and quite a few men, do actually like the....fuller figure lady...they are just loathe to admit that fact to anyone (and some of them are just downright weird guys who fetishize them 🤢).

Personally and I can only take his word for this ( 😝) my partner is definitely attracted to me and tells me frequently how good I look, how pretty I am, how sexy etc etc. (it's a lovely ego boost 🤣). In terms of how I am, when we met I was significantly heavier and more overweight than I am now. That was never an issue he was very much in appreciation of me being bigger (but not so much the weird creepy way 😳). In the many years we have been together I have lost a significant amount of weight and whilst I still have the flabby bits I'm a different shape than I was?! BUT he is still very much as attracted to me as he was at the start.

As he's said it himself he doesn't care what size I am. As long as Im happy, it doesn't change anything. Whether im heavier or even smaller he's still attracted to me and yes that bit is based on looks but he says regardless of my looks that's not what he fell in love with. He fell I love with me, for me.

That sort of comment would really piss me off. And it's an absolute passion killer.

Well this is it. The context in which he made the comment was a conversation about a man we both know (not a friend!) who is in his 70s yet is still chasing beautiful women in their 20s/30s and wonders why he's single. His pursuits form a large part of his conversation and he indirectly told me that, at 47, I was too old for him 😅 So it was sort of appropriate in the context that a 25 year old isn't realistically going to be interested in a 60/70+ year old man.

But the 'more realistic' element just landed oddly. What I find attractive in a man has absolutely evolved and been refined through the years but I'd never describe it as being realistic about the sort of man I could attract.

I felt a huge shift from feeling like someone he found genuinely attractive to feeling like there was a group of women that he actually found attractive but recognised wouldn't he interested in him and then me being the most attractive woman he could realistically attract from a group of women he (men?) perceived to be realistically attainable.

I felt like I'd been 'ranked'.

I've heard this sort of thing from men before. Including men who have been resentful that those other women are unavailable to them.

I think it would he easy to dismiss this as me 'overthinking' and I've tried telling myself that I am but the feeling is still there.

If I was you, OP, I'd focus on developing your own sense of attractiveness and sexual confidence. Work on your looks, your posture, your hair, clothes, scent etc until you find you bloody gorgeous.

I have and I'm content in my own appearance. So far, I seem to have escaped the main effects of age. I just don't think I'd ever see myself as bloody gorgeous or feel hugely confident.

I feel very awkward and uncomfortable if I go out and I've made an effort. I just always remember a boyfriend I had in my 20s telling me you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear. I dismissed him at the rile as being a bit of a prick but it's really stuck because, whilst no one has phrased it exactly like that since, there have been many, many indirect reminders.

Reminders of which group of women I actually belong in (which realistically is most of us).

DH and I were very late 20s when we met, 37 years ago.

Neither of us are young and gorgeous any more. Neither of us see the paunch, the wrinkles, the saggy boobs, the extra pounds, the bald patch, etc. Long term relationships are the product of all the things that evolve after the first attraction and attraction isn't all about looks. Whilst DH was very handsome, and my type, had he been a boring, lazy, unkind individual, the attractiveness would have waned. The previous boyfriend was like that and once one feels insecure others stop being attractive. I'm sure all that works in reverse too.

I am another who has been with their husband for over 30 years and I am confident he still finds me incredibly attractive. He always makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the room - he always has (and I never have been!). It is hard to put into words, yes he says nice things but it is every day actions, how he responds to me, how he treats me that make it clear he still sees me as desirable. I have never considered you would stay long term with someone who didn't obviously desire you, so this thread is a sad eye opener.

I've been with mine 25+ years and do I love him - yes , does he love me - yes but it's not a rip your clothes off , can't take your eyes off each other , it's a comfortable love , I can rely on him love , and we have each other's back love .
That'll do for me .

Just to put an alternative view on this, I’m male and used to date a very attractive woman, tall & blonde- but also quite vain and a bit toxic with a bit of temper on her - our relationship ended not over attraction but more over behaviour and boundaries.
People can be as attractive as you want- but if they don’t respect you then you are on a tricky path

I think this is spot on. We are both in our 50s, we are still very active and in shape but we look quite different from when we met 25 years ago. My six pack is long gone, my hair receeded to the point where I ended up shaving my head, I have more grey hairs and wrinkles etc. I know she loves me and will fight my corner no matter what, and I feel the same about her. You can't buy that. Truth is I probably find her more attractive when she is in lycra, covered in mud and sweat, hair tied back and not giving a shit about her appearance after mountain biking then when she is all scrubbed up and heading out for dinner!