How common is it for men to love their partners but not find them physically attractive, do you think?

[OnTheTrainGoingHome]

Just that really.

I read lots of threads on here where women talk about their partners still fancying them and finding them sexy after many years together and through the physical changes of age, illness and motherhood so there must be some men out there who do, at least!

I know that being found attractive by men isn't the be all and end all but I think it's kind of important and pretty normal to want to be found attractive by the person you're in a relationship and having sex with?

Earlier, I was reflecting on my relationships over the years including my current one and I'm just not sure I've ever been with someone who really saw me in that way. I think they've mostly found me attractive enough to not be repulsed or put off by me but its my personality they've been drawn to (and apparently I'm quite funny) but I feel weird having sex with someone knowing that they don't actually find me desirable. If I'm honest.

I don't know. How important is it? Would it bother you? (It does bother me).

I think there's so much truth in what you say.

As a pp said, there's no value in the words if they're not genuine, said to many others, are said without thought or positive intent. If they don't mean anything.

It has dented my confidence.

I've never been hugely confident and had a couple of proper relationships in my 20s that weren't good. I then had 10 years of being single when I focused on myself, my family, my career, my hobbies and interests, and my mental health/how I saw myself.

During that time, I went on the occasional date but was never really interested in taking it further.

But I feel like I came out the other side with a greater understanding of myself only to find that I wasn't actually perceived any differently.

In summary, I know he loves me. He shows that in everything he does. I literally couldn't fault him in terms of conduct, attitude, contribution to mental load, equal contribution to the relationship or effort. We are excellent housemates, yes...

He hasn't said anything about the lack of sex. I've been going through a really stressful time at work with increased workload and redundancies. I'm also 'a certain age' so I think he's put it down to those things.

But it's not. I do feel sexual desire but then remember that he's going to he looking at me and I'm not quite what he wants. Or he'll close his eyes and I'll wonder if he's imagining a woman he does find attractive. Because I have just lost all confidence in myself. I never feel attractive and I feel embarrassed to make an effort to look nice nowadays

Last year, sex didn't make me feel closer or strengthen the bond, I just felt distant and ugly.

It also doesn't help that, when we first got together, I was open about sex and what I wanted/liked sexually but he wasn't. I always felt 'well taken care of' but I never felt that he did. After having a few shitty relationships, I wanted to feel like we were both fully engaged and enjoying it. I wanted to have a fulfilling sex life with him.

I tried asking him what he liked and he'd just reply that it was everything I was doing. Yet I wasn't doing very much because he would stop me, or push me gently away. He'd guide me away from what I was doing but not towards anything else. So it clearly wasn't true. If that makes sense.

I ignored it to begin with and was sexually confident and playful because i did believe he fancied me at the time but eventually, it just made me feel unattractive and a bit shit. Almost like he'd completely internalised prioritising a woman's pleasure to the extent where it still didn't feel like something we were doing together and there was still only one person benefitting. It's just that it was me rather than 'the man'.

I think it's useful to consider seperating looks from feelings.
The men that appeal to me most have interesting conversation, are generally upbeat and smiley and have a sense of humour. They are engaging and respectful.
One is classic good looking, one is bald and v overweight, the other is similar but younger and has a different ethnic background. How I feel about someone is not linked to their looks.
So (I never will again) if I was going to have a relationship and the man was all the attractive things I like, and he was kind and supportive in everyday life I would by association find him attractive regardless of his physical looks. If he was tall, dark and handsome but a know, he would do nothing for me.
However, lots of men are shallow, and think they are God's gift, so probably go on looks or/and availability 🤔

FrostyFlo, EnterQueene and
ChamonixMountainBum

We have been together just shy of 5 years so don't have the history you all do with your partners, which sounds lovely and perfect and the ideal really!

I feel like we've entered that 'comfortable love' phase without the foundations to support it I suppose.

I read threads on her where people talk about knowing each other inside out and where, sexually, this is the stage that has been reached where couples know each others bodies and what each other like well.

I suppose, sexually, he feels like a stranger to me 😕 and I didn't want to keep having sex with someone I felt uncertain about sexually, where it was exactly the same every time and where it was never talked about. It's horrible feeling like you don't know whether they like what you're doing or whether it's being tolerated but having no impact/a little bit annoying or whether they really wish you would do x, y or z because they've never communicated it to you.

I hadn't really been able to articulate it before. And I've just assumed from that, and little things that have been said in passing (no direct crtiicism of me), that he isn't interested in a (more fulfilling) sex life with me because he just isn't interested in me in that way. At this stage, if he just told me that, I'd take it. At least it would be something.

A couple of years ago, he had some minor and occasional ED issues. He did start a conversation about that and told me it wasn't me and was just his age/something that had happened before. (Obviously, I have no way of verifying this), which I completely accepted at the time. It was fine. No insecurities, no questions on my part only openness and this is us in it together. I was surprised even then that he'd brought it up so openly and was keen to capitalise on that and keep the openness going.

He said he was going to get some 'little blue pills' and then it was never mentioned again.

Last year, I asked him about them. He told me they were in the car, where they'd been since he picked them up, and that he'd never mentioned them because he hadn't needed them since getting them. None of which made any sense but the conversation was over. I don't even know if he still has them or where they are because he's changed his car since then and it would seem like an odd thing to transfer to a new car!

I’ve not read every single comment, but wanted to post my thoughts.

I do think that (for me) at the very foundations of my relationship, is a warm considerate and respectful friendship, coz I feel that if ever a physical relationship was un achievable for say, an illness or a disability, the friendship aspect would be the “glue” to want us to stay together.

Then all the other aspects such as physical attraction and intimacy would then be enhanced by the mutual friendship.

I don’t consider myself (in my seventies) to be a drop dead gorgeous supermodel, but I never have in my much younger days either, partly coz I never had a relationship where my partner went to any trouble to tell me I looked beautiful, or pretty, or anything really.

Twentyfive years ago, I unexpectedly met the man I’m still with, he is roughly twenty years younger, and in the first years of our friendship, it was only a friendship, as I had zero idea that he thought I was gorgeous and special and that he felt he had to hold himself back, coz he fancied me like crazy, he has confessed since.

Things eventually evolved into the relationship we share to this day, and our shared experiences have brought us even closer, and hand on heart, despite the fact we are together mostly 24/7, it feels for both of us, fresh, exciting, and inspiring.

Neither of us could give two hoots about our age difference, coz if other (closed minded) people have a negative opinion, then that’s their problem.

My lovely man has been in a bad place physically and mentally for a long long time, but he never uses that as a negative in our life together.
He makes me feel like a goddess, takes care of me the same as I take care of him.
He tells me several times a day and every day that he loves me and appreciates me.
He says that he loves everything about me, (tho I find that incredible 🤭) and always praises any achievement big or small.
He has got my back so to speak.
i think, that finally after years of unhappy relationships, I do actually believe that he thinks I’m beautiful, sexy, fun, funny, intelligent and everything I’ve ever yearned to hear from a life partner.

i know my post sounds as tho I’m boasting or smug, but truly I’m not.

i just want to say that what you want is what you want, it shouldn’t be put down, it’s not “wrong” if it feels right to you.

in previous years I was told that I wanted the impossible, and that real life wasn’t all hearts and flowers.
i held on to my belief, and so happy to have kept the faith, coz it absolutely is possible.

That's pretty much summed up how I feel about it all.

He doesn't think he's God's gift though. He's quite pragmatic about himself! But that doesn't exactly detract from what/who he is attracted to.

It's like when women post on here saying their partner has criticised their looks. Some always says and I suppose he is an Adonis?
It doesnt really matter does it? Who we find attractive isn't based on out own level of attractiveness.

As he said 'more realistic.'

This sounds like myself and dp. I had not really thought that much about it, until now.
Thanks op 🙄😂

CloseEncountersOfTheLoveKind

That is such a lovely and positive post!

The thing is, I could say all of that about my partner aside from the age difference and the feeling sexy! He tells me he loves me daily (and I believe him).

The relationship itself is great. We are best friends and he has described me as such. Work related stress has sometimes meant I've felt too tired/ill to go out or to do things but I always encourage him to go without me. He rarely does though because he says he'd rather be where I am.

When I'm sitting here alone at home, I sometimes wonder if it's all in my head (he's gone out today to take his mum somewhere). When we're together with our families, we feel really together. When we're out somewhere or doing something together, there are never any problems.

And then I remember.

I assume he 'takes care of himself'. I have no evidence that he has anyone else and I've known him for a while (we were also friends first). He also said he'd been interested for a while before we got together but then told me one day that he'd 'never seen me in that way', which was confusing. He's never stared for too long at another woman although I'm not foolish enough to believe he doesn't find women attractive and he's never criticised me directly. But there have been little comments where the subtext is clear - that's what I like.

Again, finding other people attractive is normal. Seeing qualities in others that you appreciate that your partner doesn't possess is normal and can be acknowledged without it reflecting on how you feel about your partner but that's not how it feels.

Everything together feels like - he finds me interesting, intelligent and funny. He likes spending time with me. He is my greatest cheerleader and support... but...

Like he once made a lighthearted comment about me having 'sturdy' thighs 'like a farm girl'. Now he isn't one for commenting negatively on women or women's appearances and he's never criticised his ex wife or his ex partner to me in any way. He doesn't ever comment on women's weight, size or bodies. It didn't come with any value judgement. He didn't say it either crticially or appreciatively. It was just a throwaway comment.

I'm always between a 10 and 14 dress size but I do have chunky thighs! I've never been complimented on my legs and wouldn't expect to be. I have them and they function. I know they're not my best feature but It just felt unnecessary. Like he'd never comment on another woman in that way. Not to me anyway!

It just made me really self conscious about my legs. And I often wonder how many other of my body parts that he has had negative thoughts about that he just hasn't expressed?

Sorry/you're welcome! 😅

However in terms of how he acts, he’s always holding my hand when we are out or his hand just rests on my inner thigh, he will kiss and cuddle me and initiate most of the sex, will flirt and make saucy references. He plans really lovely days out for us too - I think surely he would find me attractive if he does all this?

I've just reread this.

I could say this about my partner too. But without the flirting. He's does kiss and cuddle me but I always feel it takes me by surprise when he does! And the saucy references feel like jokes that I eyeroll at rather than anything more.

I don't even know what his intention behind them is. They feel more like a light hearted joke between close friends than a communication of attraction between a couple.

But I don't know if that's just my interpretation, or his intent, or whether he is trying to reintroduce sex in a light hearted/non threatening way or whether it even matters. I don't feel like a sexual person anymore because the only person I'm interested in being that way with doesn't seem to me to see me in the same way.

I think with posts like this they post more questions than they give answers.

Do you think you could have a conversation with his where he could answer honestly?

I did ask my Dp about a year ago whether he found me attractive and he said yes and that he couldn’t do the things he does to me in bed if he didn’t. Which I suppose could be true.

Meant. “Pose more questions” …

I just wanted on pick up on this point.

You're taking the "sturdy thighs" comment as a criticism, when there's no indication that he was aiming to criticise you. Generally, men aren't stupid enough to actively point out their partners flaws. (Don't get me wrong, we're idiots, just not that level of idiot). So that suggests to me that he was pointing out an aspect of you he actually appreciates about you.

A lot of men, myself included actually like nice strong thighs and legs.

The fact you took it as a criticism is more about how you view your attractiveness than about how he does.

I've tried and he doesn't really engage. I end up doing a lot of talking to explain my thoughts o fiill the space and he just comes back with "of course I find you attractive" or "that's not what I meant" about something he said but he doesn't know what he did mean (of course he does). What your partner said makes sense, tbh.

I haven't broached the sex issue with him because I don't know where I'd start. I'm scared of hearing something that I'm not strong enough to deal with at the moment. I don't think I could cope with any more negative thoughts about myself in my head. Except that I could cope with "I love you, I just don't find you sexually attractive" because that's just matter of fact. Ii down think I could cope with him saying positive things either though at the moment. It would just be too incongruous with the way I feel. I'm not interested in being 'reassured' or flattery. I just want the truth.

But I don't think he could answer honestly, no. I think he'd be scared of me breaking up with him. We've had conversations in the past but even when I've asked open ended questions or left space for him to answer, he doesn't say very much.

I come away feing temporarily reassured but with none of the actual issues addressed.

Except that many men do.

And I've known many of them. I have friends who have dated many of them. Men who don't do it might assume that generally men don't but generally, quite a few of them actually do!

No, it wasn't said crticially but it wasn't said appreciatively either. It was an observation as much as"Your eyes are blue" would be but without a qualifying statement it's open to interpretation.

And do men generally liken their girlfriend to 'a farm girl' as a compliment? Not that there's anything wrong with being strong or sturdy or, indeed, a farm girl, but is it ever actually said as a compliment?

And, if I'm honest, the only other times a man has commented on my strength or size, it has been a criticism.

Ok, you're right, some men do comment negatively on their partners, but that's usually an attempt to hurt them.

That doesn't sound like something your partner was trying to do. Which suggests he wasn't identifying a part of your body he didn't like, because what would be in it for him to do that?

And yes, plenty of men would see "farm girl" a s compliment. I find the fact that DP is strong very attractive, it's sexy. I probably wouldn't call her a farm girl, because I know she's uncomfortable about her thighs, and apparently I'm less prone to putting my foot iny mouth than your husband. But I've certainly commented on other stuff that she hates but I love, and not realised I've upset her until way later.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots

Thanks and I do take your point.

I suppose this is where it gets a bit 'finding a problem for every solution'.

He doesn't have a history of dating 'sturdy' women. None of the women he's ever expressed finding attractive currently or historically (eg actors/singers) would ever have been described by anyone as sturdy.

His ex wife wasn't 'sturdy' nor was his partner before me. We went out once and there was a woman there who he'd dated many, may years ago. She wouldn't have bent described as 'sturdy' either. So it's clearly not something he's attracted to generally.

And I suppose that is also part of it. I feel like an anomaly.

I think it's complex, as so much of attraction depends on other factors than the physical.

I was in a relationship with Dave (not his real name) for about 5 years. For the second part of that time, we had lots of problems in the relationship, and therefore the sex (which was brilliant at the start) really dwindled and became very samey. Consequently I became convinced he wasn't attracted to me at all.

About a year and a half ago I left. But we remained friends, and in the last few months have started to spend time together again, and become sexually intimate again.

All of it - the date nights, the sex, the emotional support he offers me - it's all amazing! And I am under no doubt that he finds me utterly beautiful - in fact last night I was reading in bed, naked, and noticed he was staring at me. And he said, I am sorry, I just can't look away from your body..... Some might feel that sounds creepy or pervy, but it made me feel great, that my lover desires me so much!

My body hasn't significantly changed. My level of confidence has (I used the time apart to get some therapy, and really work on my confidence - and he has been working on himself too).

OP, if the attraction in your relationship has dwindled, maybe that's because there are problems in the space between you? Something you can work on?

I don't know the answer for sure. I do know that nobody should, in my opinion, remain in an intimate relationship with someone they don't believe finds them attractive. So I would say, either address that problem together, or leave, and find somebody you do believe wants you on all levels.

Good luck! I hope it works out for you.

Ilovelurchers

Thanks you for explaining that so well.

I think the issue in the space between is the communication.

There so much that is genuinely good. But the poor communication is the stumbling block.

It would be easy for me to say I've tried because I have. I know that from other conversations, he prefers to hope things will just go away if he ignores them as a lot of people do. I know he finds it hard to open up and when I've asked him who he talks things through with if he is worried about something or has a problem, he just said "Myself. I talk it through with myself" which, I realise, is what I'm also doing but he doesn't ever consider that he might not be the best person to talk to when he is worried about something.

Without anything tangible from him, I'm only left with my own thoughts and interpretations.

I would have to be really candid with him if I spoke to him re some of the things I've said here. And I'm not sure how he'd respond to that. I'm not sure if he'd be able to be equally candid back - even with time to think about it.

I don't know how to approach it. But it's clear something needs to he done.

I think it's complex, as so much of attraction depends on other factors than the physical.

I know.

And I've also found men attractive once getting to know them. Men I'd have dismissed immediately on looks alone! So I do feel slightly hypocritical!

But I've still been aware that eg their body wasn't one I'd ordinarily have been attracted to and I haven't really seen them as long term prospects because I've known there was a possibility I'd stop fancying them. Or I have stopped fancying them eventually. Although I don't think that was conscious. I hadn't realised it until just!

All of my longer term proper relationships have been with men with similar body types. Although, that might just be a coincidence.

I'm sure you probably are an anomaly. Probably every woman he's ever dated was in some way. Every woman I've ever been out with certainly was.

The "type" of woman a man fancies isn't set in stone, and is a result of the women he fancies rather than the cause of it. If you'd asked me what my type was in my teens or early 20s, then I'd have said bookish redheads, because I'd had a massive crush on Willow from Buffy at a formative age. I've got a massive thing for Roman noses because of a girl I was in love with at school. These days, my head gets turned by short, stocky blonde women, because that's what I've been in love with for 20 years.

Men maybe shallow, but we're not generally so shallow that we're ticking every potential partner off against a set of physical characteristics. When I met DP, I wasn't thinking "Bloody hell, her arse is gorgeous". I wasn't even thinking "Bloody hell, she's gorgeous". I was thinking "Christ, she's funny as fuck". Don't get me wrong, she is gorgeous, but that's only part of the appeal.

People compare themselves against beauty standards all the time, but potential partners, not so much. Beauty standards exist because media companies want to appeal to the lowest common denominator. They want an actress who will appeal to the most men. But just because most men fancy Scarlett Johansson, that doesn't mean they don't find any woman who doesn't look like Scarlett Johansson just as or more attractive. DP got visibly uncomfortable when we watched a film a while back where Scarlett Johansson had a nude scene. She was comparing herself to her and finding herself wanting. I on the other hand wasn't. I was thinking "Scarlett Johansson is hot.". And then later, when DP was getting changed ready for bed, I was looking at her and thinking "My DP is hot.". Despite the fact that they look absolutely nothing like each other.

Look, I'm not saying that your partner definitely finds you attractive @OnTheTrainGoingHome . I can't know that, and neither can anyone else here. I'm not even saying that you should stay with him, if you're not getting what you need from him,then maybe it's better to end it.

I'm just saying that before you throw away what otherwise sounds like a good relationship, it's worth interrogating how much of this is coming from him, and how much of it is coming from your own fears and past experiences with men. How much would you be feeling like this in any possible future relationship?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots

Thank you and that makes a lot of.sense.

I accept that he will look at other women and think they are hot. I also understand not comparing. I can see a good looking man and recognise that without it being any reflection on him.

I'm just not confident he would ever think I was 'hot' or that I'm not being compared and found wanting.

A lot to think about.

@OnTheTrainGoingHome You seem to have a great marriage, but have become fixated on a problem that is definitely minor and may - may - only exist in your mind. I think life presents us with many questions but fewer answers, and we have to learn to live with that.

I don’t think you should minimise what the op is saying.

I don’t think not having sex in a romantic partnership is “minor” as it affects her, upsets her, makes her feel bad about herself. Relationships need different kinds of affirmations and validations. Both partners need this. If you can’t get this from your partner, who can you get it from?

I don’t get verbal validations like the op, but my partner simply does not take his hands off me. So I do feel wanted, desired but not validated in the way I like from the person that I want to hear it from.

Her partner doesn’t communicate effectively and this is the root of the problem. The op is also scared as she doesn’t want to hear anything that will make her feel worse as she clearly loves him and the life they have made together. She doesn’t want it to emplode however the uncomfortable conversations will have to be had at some point. Strong relationships survive these conversations. Let’s hope when the time comes, they both dig deep and work through this.

@AnonAnonmystery Yes, sorry, I don't think I'd noted the lack of sex aspect to this situation.

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