How common is it for men to love their partners but not find them physically attractive, do you think?

[OnTheTrainGoingHome]

Just that really.

I read lots of threads on here where women talk about their partners still fancying them and finding them sexy after many years together and through the physical changes of age, illness and motherhood so there must be some men out there who do, at least!

I know that being found attractive by men isn't the be all and end all but I think it's kind of important and pretty normal to want to be found attractive by the person you're in a relationship and having sex with?

Earlier, I was reflecting on my relationships over the years including my current one and I'm just not sure I've ever been with someone who really saw me in that way. I think they've mostly found me attractive enough to not be repulsed or put off by me but its my personality they've been drawn to (and apparently I'm quite funny) but I feel weird having sex with someone knowing that they don't actually find me desirable. If I'm honest.

I don't know. How important is it? Would it bother you? (It does bother me).

Yes, my partner likes a sturdy thigh!

OP, yes, it is possible he doesn’t find you as attractive as he used to.

It is also extremely possible that his sex drive is decreasing (with age or for some other hormonal reason) and he’s embarrassed about that.

There is this notion on Mumsnet that if men don’t want sex they must be having an affair or ‘addicted to porn’ and wanking all the time. You say you assume he ‘sorts himself out’ instead of having sex with you, but you don’t know that. He might not. Sometimes men’s interest in sex, whether that’s with their partner or with their hand, just declines.

Ultimately you don’t know whether this has anything to do with you or not.

@LochSunart no problem at all.

I would really struggle to have sex with my DH if I didn’t think he found me attractive. So yes, it’s very important for me.

I will say this - My kids mum who is an ex, by the end I still loved her, even now but I did not find her sexually appealing. She was a size 8 when we met and she is now a size 16-18( all within 8 years of meeting her) and albeit she goes gym, she drinks two bottles of wine a day, now smokes etc which is all unappealing.

“The sort of woman he could realistically get”. Sorry but that’s awful. And I know I’m bumping an old thread here. What does he look like? Has he aged like fine wine?! I’m willing to bet not….

People age and go through illness which changes their appearance. Your husband at 49 (or whatever age he is) will also have aged since you first met.

Extremely common.

The Coolidge effect explains why men, and some women cheat. It’s a hardwired biological phenomenon that means that over time partners become too familiar with each other and lose their sexual attraction. It’s way more potent in men.

We see this playing out all the time in Hollywood. People ask why on Earth a guy would cheat on such a beautiful model actress. Often with much less attractive women. The Coolidge effect explains why. Hugh Grant with a Tranny and Wayne Rooney with a granny? Coolidge effect.

It is another example of the imperfect workings of evolution. If the Coolidge effect didn’t exist, divorce rates would likely be much lower.

The Coolidge effect is especially rampant these days as people can now access multiple sex partners online via apps. It’s become a huge problem.

My husband definitely finds me attractive as he tells me almost daily. He’s hugely complimentary and always notices if I’ve had something done.

If you've only been together 5:years it's much too soon to feel like this. It won't get better by itself. I think it's very sad honestly and awful for your self esteem.

This is interesting. I wonder whether monogamy for an entire lifetime is even natural.