Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to fall back in love after being severely lied to

85 replies

AzureRobin · 22/01/2026 08:02

I found out eighteen months ago that my long term boyfriend had been lying to me about virtually all aspects of his life - job, health, ex, children etc and had lied to try to make me dependent on him. We broke up and didn't speak for six months.

We have been back in touch as friends and met up. I know he wants a relationship with me and I feel torn. I can't imagine him being gone from my life and with someone else but at the same time I feel quite numb if he hugs me as if all my desire has been turned off towards him to protect myself. I have adult sons who dislike him due to the history of lies and I feel so confused.

OP posts:
Dery · 22/01/2026 17:54

No way, OP. Keep him gone. You have a trauma response to this man and it’s a good thing your body is showing you the way here. Your body is telling you this man is dangerous. There’s no way back.

Princessoflitchenstein · 22/01/2026 17:57

Idontspeakgermansorry · 22/01/2026 08:04

Just don't.

This don’t entire a friend that lies to you - read your post and reframe it.

I do not want a man that lies. I do not want a friend that lies.

Original poster
AzureRobin · 22/01/2026 18:02

Wow, I didn't expect so many messages when I got home form work and am truly grateful. Everything you have written is what my head and my body are telling me, it is just emotions that have made me cling on in the hope I could somehow undo the past.

The lies were huge, I can't post too many details here as outing but due to alleged lack of confidence, he presented himself to me as a totally different person to who he was in every aspect of his past life, job, home etc. The excuse was he didn't feel he was good enough for me as I had my life together so he lied about himself and then excluded me from his real life so that I didn't find out the truth. He made up outrageous lies to make me fear for my safety (linked to an ex) and I can't believe I doubted him but never properly researched to find the truth.

I sat in on some of his therapy sessions, I felt he had narcissistic tendencies but the therapist said it was all due to his lack of confidence.

I've realised the last few months I don't look forward to meeting up with him, it feels like a chore almost. I still find him attractive physically but my body and head are clearly telling me that I can't trust him after all that happenee, even though the therapist states he has changed. My entire sex drive seems to have shut down because I can't go back to how things felt before I found out the truth about him..

Without a doubt I was trauma bonded to him and possibly still am to a certain extent. I get five sessions of counselling with my work health package so think I need to talk this out properly. My mind and body tell me to walk and I need to get my emotions on the same page so that I can move on with my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
AzureRobin · 22/01/2026 18:05

When I say he tried to make me dependent on him, I mean emotionally dependent through fear. Constantly walking away and then coming back so I would try to prove my worth.

OP posts:
Unhappyitis · 22/01/2026 18:05

Unfortunately your feelings are for someone that doesn't exist.

TheThingOnTheIce · 22/01/2026 18:06

AzureRobin · 22/01/2026 18:05

When I say he tried to make me dependent on him, I mean emotionally dependent through fear. Constantly walking away and then coming back so I would try to prove my worth.

So he’s a narcissist then
come on op have some self respect

Rubinia · 22/01/2026 18:13

This so weird! Why were you in a therapy session with him? What was the purpose of that? Seems a bit odd that the therapist allowed this (unless it was couples therapy). It doesn’t seem very ethical

are you sure this was a real therapist? Sorry to ask. I had a crazy liar friend who got someone to impersonate a policeman to explain away a lie she told. This guy sounds like he’d so something similar without hesitation.

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 22/01/2026 18:14

I was initially torn when I first read your post. When I first met DH he told me quite a few lies to make himself seem more attractive - nothing major, just lots of them. He was (and still is!) quite nerdy but thought I was more "sophisticated" (I'm really not) and so spun a backstory.

However, when I challenged him he was really embarrassed and contrite. He never did it again and that was over 30 years ago.

Your case is very different. Lying to make you fearful is horrendous behaviour. Please don't go back.

SquishyGloopyBum · 22/01/2026 18:24

Please cut contact. This man is dangerous and you do not need him in your life. He was abusing you.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/01/2026 18:46

I’d be concerned about any therapist telling you that an abuser has changed, presumably to influence you to get back with him. That’s deeply unethical practice on their part and for that reason alone I’d not be in a relationship with him.

Abusers are very skilled at winning people round, and it’s very easy for that dynamic to creep into the therapy relationship. It takes a skilled therapist, with very good supervision to be able to spot when they’re being drawn in and to stop that happening. I absolutely know that if I spoke to my supervisor about bringing an ex partner into sessions to evidence that someone who abuser her was now safe, my supervisor would have something to say about it. I’d consider the therapy compromised and would disregard anything the therapist said in support of him because they’ve lost their therapeutic frame.

ElevensesKing · 22/01/2026 18:50

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Do the online freedom programme to help you enforce boundaries and recognise red flags.

GoldDuster · 22/01/2026 18:52

Why would you meet him as a friend? Do you choose friends who lie to you? If a female friend had lied to you on the scale that he has, would you continue trying to be in a friendship with her? You would not. You would realise that she was a nutjob, tell everyone the same and steer well clear. If she tried to pursue a friendship you'd label her as a stalker.

If thinking about him with someone else is difficult, then imagine him on a beach, at sunset, cocktail in hand with another woman lying to her over and over again through his teeth. Because that his what he does, that is who he is. That is what he will do to you again, if you let him.

He's a fantasist, he's a manipulator and he's not worth another second of your time. Think of it as a lucky escape, listen to your family and stay away from him properly, and permanently. More misery is what is on offer from him, walk in the other direction, not towards it. Stay away from his therapy and focus on your own.

MyHisenmeshedwithhisfamily · 22/01/2026 20:05

OP, you DO know there are other men in the world, don't you? 🤔

Nosdacariad · 22/01/2026 21:18

@AzureRobin my ex was similar and I gave him another chance. We had a lie amnesty and he promised that the lies about how long he'd been single, his job role, his employment or not...were the total picture.

15 months later I discovered more lies about when he had been at work/on sick leave, that he had been faking vision problems to avoid driving, that he had big debts...

He has continued to try to be in touch.

You won't heal if you keep speaking to this guy.

Original poster
AzureRobin · 22/01/2026 22:46

Nosdacariad · 22/01/2026 21:18

@AzureRobin my ex was similar and I gave him another chance. We had a lie amnesty and he promised that the lies about how long he'd been single, his job role, his employment or not...were the total picture.

15 months later I discovered more lies about when he had been at work/on sick leave, that he had been faking vision problems to avoid driving, that he had big debts...

He has continued to try to be in touch.

You won't heal if you keep speaking to this guy.

I'm sorry you experienced this and am glad you've moved on. That is what I will do. The person he is underneath all the lies he fabricated is someone who has nothing to offer me.

OP posts:
SlayBelle · 22/01/2026 22:57

If he’s lied that much, then you fell in love with someone who doesn’t even exist.

The real him is just a pathetic, lying loser. Surely you can do much better.

Laughuntilyoucry · 23/01/2026 06:38

Why are you even considering this? In 6 months time you'll be posting again about him. Block & delete. He's not your friend. He is a user.

lifesdarkmoth · 23/01/2026 06:44

AzureRobin · 22/01/2026 08:02

I found out eighteen months ago that my long term boyfriend had been lying to me about virtually all aspects of his life - job, health, ex, children etc and had lied to try to make me dependent on him. We broke up and didn't speak for six months.

We have been back in touch as friends and met up. I know he wants a relationship with me and I feel torn. I can't imagine him being gone from my life and with someone else but at the same time I feel quite numb if he hugs me as if all my desire has been turned off towards him to protect myself. I have adult sons who dislike him due to the history of lies and I feel so confused.

He’s lying to you now too. I knew a man like this. It’s about control. They enjoy the fact that they have all the power and control as they know the truth and you don’t. They like making the woman dependent/ very emotionally attached to them. Getting you to go back to him is part of him reasserting control over you. It’ll be a huge thrill to him to know how completely he can manipulate and control you if you go back to him after all the lies you know he has told.

These men are effectively abusers. This is a form of abusive relationship. It’s a form of control.

EleanorPeck · 23/01/2026 06:49

If he's been lying to you about virtually all aspects of his life, then you don't know the real him or love the real him - because it's all been lies. You love the idea of him but this has turned out to be a facade. Protect yourself and stay away from him. I'm sorry you're going through this 💐

lifesdarkmoth · 23/01/2026 06:55

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/01/2026 18:46

I’d be concerned about any therapist telling you that an abuser has changed, presumably to influence you to get back with him. That’s deeply unethical practice on their part and for that reason alone I’d not be in a relationship with him.

Abusers are very skilled at winning people round, and it’s very easy for that dynamic to creep into the therapy relationship. It takes a skilled therapist, with very good supervision to be able to spot when they’re being drawn in and to stop that happening. I absolutely know that if I spoke to my supervisor about bringing an ex partner into sessions to evidence that someone who abuser her was now safe, my supervisor would have something to say about it. I’d consider the therapy compromised and would disregard anything the therapist said in support of him because they’ve lost their therapeutic frame.

I completely agree with this.

Dery · 23/01/2026 07:13

The therapist sounds like a charlatan to me and unethical. Your ex is an abuser. The therapist has given your ex a shitty and pathetic reason for mistreating you (he lied to you, bullied you and scared you because he didn’t feel good enough for you). No therapist worth their salt would be declaring him changed because there is no way of measuring that, particularly from an abusive liar. I’m sure he’s not changed. But even if he has, he’s done far too much harm to you for reconciliation to be possible.

OfficerChurlish · 23/01/2026 07:21

This is someone to actively avoid. Your past experience tells you this 100% and very severely. There is no reason for you to see or speak with him, let alone get back together with him. You don't even WANT to be with him, see him, or talk to him - and quite rightly not. The only person who wants him in your life is him, and he's proven himself to be (1) an abusive arsehole and (2) a horrible, hurtful, and destructive partner for you. There is NO reason for you to do what he wants - in fact, there's every reason to do the OPPOSITE. So, stop meeting up with him, stop talking to him on the phone, stop texting him, stop emailing him, stop doing whatever brings you into contact with him. Block him if necessary. You owe him nothing. He owes it to you to leave you alone.

(Also, I'd consider switching therapists.)

PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 23/01/2026 07:23

No. Just don’t . It’s who he is. He won’t change.

DelphiniumBlue · 23/01/2026 07:36

Why are you trying to make yourself fall in love with someone you KNOW is a liar and manipulator?
Don’t be ridiculous, listen to your DC, maybe get some counselling and investigate why you think this is a good idea.

CurlewKate · 23/01/2026 07:46

Please don’t get involved with this man. Please.