How to fall back in love after being severely lied to

[AzureRobin]

I found out eighteen months ago that my long term boyfriend had been lying to me about virtually all aspects of his life - job, health, ex, children etc and had lied to try to make me dependent on him. We broke up and didn't speak for six months.

We have been back in touch as friends and met up. I know he wants a relationship with me and I feel torn. I can't imagine him being gone from my life and with someone else but at the same time I feel quite numb if he hugs me as if all my desire has been turned off towards him to protect myself. I have adult sons who dislike him due to the history of lies and I feel so confused.

Why on earch would you even consider meeting this man as 'friends'???? He isn't your friend. He lied to you, about important things, and kept lying. And he did it so he could control you. Is that how friends act?

And NO - don't go back to him. Listen to your son (someone who genuinely loves and cares for you and presumably doesn't have a history of lying to you).

“…had lied to try to make me dependent on him”.

That's a very chilling sentance, and shouts Red Flag to me. You’ve fallen in love with the image he portrayed to you, not the real him. He’s now shown you the truth. i don’t know whether he’s trying to get you to love him again, but ignore his requests (and any love bombing). The real him has given you the ick, listen, and run.

You dont. You move on.

Why would you even want to meet up with him??

He has a charming personality for you, but look at his underlying character.

You freezing is your subconscious screaming THREAT to you. It's a very good idea to listen to it.

A solid relationship is based on trust. Without that, you have only superficiality.

Who knows if he is capable of learning or if he will carry on being a deceitful manipulator. But he can't be good for -you- now.

Use your brains here, lovely. No matter how much you want the charming side of him, he's bad news.

Do you want the liar man in your life? What value would he add?

do you have other friends that lie to you about such important things such as their kids?

why are you letting him talk to you let alone hug you?

I just don’t understand why you’d want him in your life. Keep well away from him.

You don't.
He's lied before. What's to say he won't lie agai? Do you even know he's being truthful now?
You'll never be able to take him at his word.

There are better men out there than this FFS.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
OP you deserve better than this man.

Also, consider the Freedom Programme - it's worrying that you would even entertain a thought about getting back with this guy.
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

and had lied to try to make me dependent on him

Wtf???

Don't even think about it. It's madness. He's shown his true colours, and when he could, he abused your trust.

People who lie easily will always lie.

How on earth could you have a relationship with someone who has lied so onerously about so many aspects of his life?

Why have you gone back after 6 months? Maybe have a think about the reasons why you think you can’t do better than this.

What would happen if you refused to be dependent on him, as in refuse to live with him/share finances, how he treats you says everything.

You can't make one of the biggest decisions in your life based on fleeting feelings! He's proven to be an untrustworthy liar. If you stay with him you're setting yourself up for more drama and heartache. Eventually the feelings will fade as they eventually do in bad relationships and you'll be left with nothing but regret.
You deserve so much more then that even if that means being on your own for a while.

Thank goodness your sons managed to grow up with some resilience and self respect!

Listen to them.

They are the ones with your best interests at heart.

Ask yourself why you would even contemplate having anything to do with this man? Let alone try and ‘fall back in love with him’ when you are repelled.

Why would you give this a second thought? No need for any drama but he had really not earned any place in your life.

Move on with your life, find your joy and your bliss. It will not include him so you need to really start doing things you enjoy for yourself.

I don’t understand why you would possibly want to do this. Why on earth would you want to get drawn back into the web of a compulsive liar, and one your sons can’t stand either? How could you ever trust someone like that? And you say you feel numb when he hugs you? Bizarre that you’re even contemplating getting back involved with him. Work on your self esteem and realise you deserve better than a person like this. Block him and move on.

Don’t do it. Speaking from experience once the trust is gone, it’s gone.

Nope. The temporary discomfort of making your peace with living your life without him is far preferable to the long term discomfort of living your life with a liar.

Be sad, be unsure, be uncomfortable now. Work through it. Do not take him back. This is a gift to your future self.

While he is hanging around taking up your time he is stopping any possibility of you falling in love with someone worthwhile or creating a new life by yourself

He lied multiple times about nearly everything. That's pretty massive disrespect.

Why would you want a relationship with a person who you can never trust and that your kids profoundly dislike because of his lack of character and constant lying?

He's just going to suck you in and lie again. Don't be foolish. Block him and leave lying liar who lies in the past where he belongs. You know better.

Read that first sentence again. Why on earth are you confused? Do you really see a happy future with this man? A relationship of love, respect and trust?

Nah, me neithed.

No marriage. No mortgage. No kids.

Run you lucky lady and thank your lucky stars for knowing who this lying loser was before you entwined your life. Buy yourself a cake (or a good wine) to celebrate his departure from your life!

Then get to the bottom of why you are even entertaining such an idea.

Why would you want to fall back in love with someone who has treated you so abysmally? Honest question. Being single is a million times better than being with a liar, plus the fact that your sons don’t like him suggests that even if you did get back together it wouldn’t be a harmonious thing for your family. He didn’t lie about one thing - bad enough - he lied about everything. You physically recoil from him. What would he actually have to do for you to completely cut off contact? Kill a person? I mean honestly, there is no confusion here. None at all.

Run to the hills and keep on running.