What is your division of labour + expenses like between your partner and yourself?

[Zeemie22]

Just the above really. I am trying to figure out what the normal is for people who don't have kids and both partners are employed.

I work full time and my partner does variable shift work, usually 3-5 shifts a week. He doesn't do any of the housework or cooking even if he is home and has fewer shifts in any given week so it's always either me doing everything at home or nothing gets done. If I could get some responses with this in mind that would be really helpful. Thank you.

We both work full time hours mon-fri, no kids, I earn quite a bit more per year than him.
I pay a bit more towards food and days per month out than he does.
We both do about the same level of house work I'd say, he is does more of the hoovering stairs and bathrooms as that's two tasks I hate doing (I struggle physically with the stairs). We enjoy cooking together and nights where either of us is back late we tend to make food for each other coming home.
I do most of my house work in lunch breaks when working from home. He tends to do his on a Monday evening (when I'm out) and a Saturday or Sunday morning.
If my illnesses are causing me to be fatigued/much more sore than usual he picks up my share without me even asking. Granted we might get a takeaway rather than cooking but he will not think twice about paying for it if I'm not up for cooking.

We had a frank talk when moving in together about what we both expected. Neither of us are super tidy, but we do expect things to be clean, so we are on the same level in that respect.
It's been working well for years now and I certainly have no complaints.

I work full time. Partner does 95% of running our household.

I work full time and pay for everything; he is retired and does all the housework. Works for us!

My DH of 35 years had never done housework, food shopping or cooking. Very little childcare either. He made that crystal clear when we met.

However, he never had an issue paying for cleaners, gardeners, au-pairs, etc.

It sounds selfish but he worked 12 hour plus days (still does largely). He also provided a wonderful life materially. We worked as a team.

Do you both see yourself as a team? Trying to work together to ease each others lives?

On chores I've always thought it's best that you both have equal spare time, but if you're not combining income then a part time person would be earning less and doing a share of the better earners chores for them.

Partner needs to pull his weight though. You're not his mum.

Both work FT.
Bills and expenses - 66% me, 33% him (I also pay for most of the leisure stuff/holidays etc).
Housework/cooking/kids - 60% him, 40% me
No hired help
Works well for us 🙂

I would not tolerate no contribution in your shoes and indeed I set the expectation/boundary the week we moved in together, way before kids.
Even putting the severe disrespect to one side, I reckon the laziness would end my physical attraction to him

Thank you for sharing that. In terms of rent/mortgage, bills etc - what is the split like if you don't mind me asking?

When you say running, does he stay at home and look after the house, cooking, cleaning, errands, chores etc?

That is lovely to hear, I am glad both of you found an arrangement that worked for everyone. Can I ask whether he also paid for rent, bills etc and if you contributed towards that at all?

Not really. I am a team player and it doesn't matter who is on my team I do my fair share and more if I can, but I often get taken advantage of by my partner. If I don't squirt some Fairy on the sponge for example, the sponge will never have any bit of soap in it, he will carry on rinsing his dishes with a soapless sponge and this could go on forever. And it's only very recent that he has started doing his own dishes. Just a really small and silly example but that's how everything else is as well. The bins will be overflowing. If I don't cook him breakfast or meals, he won't make himself anything. Almost feels like he does it to make a point and will go to any lengths to avoid being 'seen' in the kitchen doing anything. I think he believes if I see him fending for himself he will have to continue to do it forever - which is what a normal functioning adult should do. I don't really ask him for any help around the house or even outside, he is the one with the car but I take the bus to wherever I need to go because otherwise he tells me he picks and drops me so he shouldn't have to do anything in the house. All this and then I am expected to contribute to bills at the very least and I usually order groceries for myself with my own money because he asks me for list of where the money was spent if I ask him to pay and I hate that so I end up paying for most of my food myself.

Thank you for sharing that.

What do you get out of the relationship?

He’s lazy, financially controlling, and mean.

He should be doing 50% of all housework, etc.

You should also either be paying 50% of bills each or if one of you earns much more than the other, you could pay proportionally.

What are you most unhappy with? Can you talk to him about things? I imagine he’s hard to talk to…

I am more or less retired work about 12 hours consultancy a month. Do 100% of housework and cooking, he works freelance so it allows him to go on visits, trade shows etc. works for us

Me and he share pretty much equally

We both now work part time - he earns more but I also have a pension so not too far apart

He does the outside - cars, gardens, hens, fish, house maintenance , I do washing, ironing, cooking and about 60% of house work - he does the stairs and will help with beds, ceilings, skirtings, windows etc. He also knows how to put a wash on , hang clothes and work the dishwasher

He pays council tax, electric and oil. I pay groceries, and things like BB, subscriptions and phones

We share holiday costs, we take turn about if eating or drinking out, we "treat" each other to concerts and theatre visits

We have a joint account which his money is paid into which I sometimes tap into - if we are hosting for example, I have my own account where my wages are paid into which he has no access too. . We have joint savings that we pay in what we can , when we can

All in Id say we have a 50/50 split

Before we met, I had my own home and he was on his uppers but with prospects. I gave up work when DS was a baby, for seven years. He paid all the bills and never questioned a penny I spent.

Our circumstances were very favourable.

He doesn't do any of the housework or cooking even if he is home and has fewer shifts in any given week

Why? What’s his justification for this? And why are you tolerating it?

DH works FT and I work four days a week. He earns just over three times what I do. All money goes into the same ‘pots’, and we have the same amount of monthly spending money after bills/mortgage/savings/investments are taken out.

We have a housekeeper for deep cleans, laundry, etc. I do all food related stuff (shopping and cooking), DH takes out the bins and does the dishes, and childcare is pretty evenly split between us.

Exh expected me to do everything on top of working full time. While he came home and sat on his arse. I had no access to money in our joint account. I was only allowed the family allowance.
so when I met my now dh I was clear from the very start that EVERYTHING would be 50/50. All housework etc was split. I’m not expected to carry all the mental load. All wages go into our joint account, after bills we put some aside for savings then the rest was split between us. Sometimes I’ve earnt more and sometimes he has. He wanted children and I did too but my career was just taking off and I did not want to be a sahm and lose out. So DH became the stay at home parent. He did this for both of our dc. I made sure he didn’t miss out financially by paying into his pention during the five years he was home and making sure he had whatever he needed. Both nearing retirement now, kids grown, and I’ve had to go part time, very part time, due to a disability. DH supports me. It’s about being a team.

I don't think you need other people's split to know yours is unfair. And it sounds even worse from the update.

I wholeheartedly agree with this! What are you getting from the relationship? It sounds pretty awful for you. He sounds monumentally selfish and horrid. Why do you put up with this? How long have you lived together and was there no discussion prior to moving in what the split of housework or finances would be? Regardless, stop letting this tosser take advantage of you. Sit him down, tell him this arrangement is not working for you and you either change the way things are or you go your separate ways.

He’s not a partner. I’d say adult men prepare food and clean up and I won’t be cooking or preparing you another meal until we are actually partners here, up to you if you want to leave but I wont keep going as your mum.
just bleugh.

Both work full time. I do all cooking and most food shopping, DH does 85% cleaning and lots of DIY. I do 80% of admin as I prefer to, but he does anything related to his family.

Kids are 50/50.

He is freelance so I pay all the regular bills and he puts all his money in family pot for holidays etc. I spend more on myself but we’re both free to spend what we want. But because we’re both savers by nature, we’ve never needed any rules really.

Half and half with all bills, except the mortgage. I owned the house before we met so I pay the mortgage entirely. This may change in future, but he will buy into the house with a lump sum and then we will pay the monthly mortgage proportional.

Stuff that breaks in the house = I'll pay for it, but he has always been happy to put money into the purchase as well. Like when the dish washer failed he happily just ordered a new one for us.

I’m a lazy arse but I also like things clean and tidy. I did a lot of the domestics when my kids were at home which created almost divorce levels of tension as I just don’t understand - and won’t accept - why women are considered the default cook, nanny and bottle washer. I lose respect for women who happily do that without question.

We weathered that because he’s fundamentally a good man, an amazing father and he’s also a thinking grown up. Today he cooked a whole beautiful roast dinner (for the two of us) while I sat scrolling on my phone and he also cleaned up while I sat watching a film. It’s not a biggie because other times it’s me doing it.

We are pretty 60/40 with him doing the 60. We’ve been married long enough to work like a well oiled machine.

I just think if men are competent at work, they can be bloody well be competent at home too. No excuse.

We are both retired. I get more tired than DH. We both clean house one day per week, plus whatever else needs cleaning, i.e. he cleans most of downstairs, I do up including changing beds. Kitchen gets done twice a week. I do laundry he does washing up and dishwasher. I cook most meals evening and sometimes lunch, he does simple breakfasts and tea/coffee breaks. He feeds cat and cleans litter tray and bins. In the summer he does garden and I do most of house cleanng. He pays all the bills, I pay for household shopping. My pension is a lot less than his.. We buy our own clothes and any extras we want including our individual leisure activities..

I've given up on talking to him about anything at this point. It is always him getting defensive or offensive. My nerves can't take it anymore. I told him that when he tries to intimidate me, shout or pressure me into doing something by raising his voice etc he reminds me of the boys I had in class in year 5 who would bully me for having a bit of a moustache relentlessly. That for me was something vulnerable to share, that I get triggered when he tries to use intimidation and I stood up to those bullies in school despite the toll it took on me and I will stand up to him too so what is the point in him trying to intimidate me when I refuse to buckle under no matter what? He said I was 'projecting' on him and he is not my classmates from year 5, he is quite intelligent and spins things around trying to gaslight me.