What is your division of labour + expenses like between your partner and yourself?

[Zeemie22]

Just the above really. I am trying to figure out what the normal is for people who don't have kids and both partners are employed.

I work full time and my partner does variable shift work, usually 3-5 shifts a week. He doesn't do any of the housework or cooking even if he is home and has fewer shifts in any given week so it's always either me doing everything at home or nothing gets done. If I could get some responses with this in mind that would be really helpful. Thank you.

You need to make proper plans you only have one life. Whos house is it? Are you married?

Married, we rent

@Zeemie22 , read that back to yourself

And think is this a man I want to be with?

My DH and I made vows to each other - richer and poorer, sickness and in health, Many a year he has been the earner, now my health is also effecting him, but hes by my side , not hiding out down the pub till its "safe " to come home

Im not saying ours is a perfect relationship, we fight and argue , but we are there for each other as equals

This weekend for instance, his brother and SIL needed a bed for the night, he hoovered and did the cobweb and bathroom checks. Also paid for us all to eat out as he knew I really didnt want to cook on a Saturday night His grand kids come for a week - hes there, takes the time off work, doesnt expect me to look after them alone

We are a partnership.We share everything. I got a wee pay out, I paid his credit off. I cant work , he runs the house. No questions, no looking at reciepts we just get on and do it

Early 30s, unmarried with a mortgage. Pregnant with our first and once baby arrives, we will continue our financials and household chores/admin as we always have. Both work full time. He works extra - pretty much every Saturday and probably two Sundays a month, occasional nights and stay aways. He works incredibly hard and as a result this often tops up his net income by 50% or so. So he works more hours than me and makes more money. Our basic wage is not too different. We put all our money together, including his overtime, and class it as one income. Everything is paid from the joint pot - joint and individual bills, food, petrol, social expenses etc. We also save monthly and again, this is joint. We both have access to all finances.

He does not lift a finger around the house, except when he empties the dishwasher and requires a medal for doing so. But due to all the overtime he does, I do think this is fair. He grumbles when he has to take out the bins lol, but I won’t do it. My only gripe is when he does not pick up after himself - dinner plate left on table, socks left on bathroom floor etc. He does cook for us, because he enjoys doing so.

I do most the life admin. If it’s something he’s interested him, he will get involved. I think we have a nice balance, it works well for us. We see each other as a team and never argue about money.

Dear OP, I know you might think it’s easy for others to tell you to leave.
However the pps responding to your posts have more than likely gone through their own personal hell, know what it takes to escape, and we are all just trying to give you the strength and encouragement for you to do what’s best for you.

Without knowing any better, we only get this one life, and you certainly don’t deserve to be driven to the thoughts you’re having.
If we choose who we live with, then equally we have the choice of whether we want to stay.

Hate the idea of you staying in your situation another moment, let alone a year, or two or three etc.
Then one day you finally wake up and realise that if only you’d left long ago.

I’m a million years older than you, but if you were my dear daughter, or granddaughter, I’d be giving you all the love you needed to believe in yourself, value yourself and you to carve out the life you can be proud of and treasure.
My very bestest wishes 🥰

DH and I, mortgage no kids.
I work 6d/w professional job he does 4d/w physical/skilled job (think woodwork). I earn maybe 8x his wage
I contribute probably 75% financially, we both pay off mortgage. He does all the housework (cleaning, bins, shopping, garden) save cooking dinner which I do 5/6 times a week as I enjoy it (as long as he washes up!) and we do laundry about 50/50.

That's so sad. I'm sorry for you OP. If my DH is in the house when I'm not there (or when I'm having a lie in) he'll see it as a good excuse to spruce up the house so it's nice for when I'm home. Same as when I'm WFH and if I'm having an unusually quiet day, I'll put a wash on for him or do the bathroom so he doesn't have to.

Your DH sounds like the opposite of a team player 😔

You first of all need to contact Womens' Aid who will advise you about what to do. This can be done by phone or on line.

Are you married legally (not just religiously)? If so, you can divorce and both of you are entitled to 50/50 of all assets as a starting point. If you think he is hiding a substantial amount of money from you ask a solicitor for an accountant to investigate his assets.

You do not need his permission or a solicitor to divorce and you can start the process on line. You can then find a suitable solicitor.

I was a SAHM and my DH paid for everything and a cleaner. He didn’t do much housework BUT he was very tidy, he cooked at the weekends and as a tidy cook there wasn’t much mess to clean up. And as I said he paid for a cleaner so it wasn’t me doing all the chores. I did all the practical stuff and running the house.

He has no assets, at least not in the UK anyway. Whatever he has abroad I can build that for myself in a year or two. He has a lot of debt in the UK. HMRC, bank loan, etc. This is the very first time he had to rent a house on his name with me last year and the rent alone (London) drove him nuts to the point that he became really mean and expected me to bend over backwards with cooking and chores and cleaning because he was paying rent for a one bed apartment. All this when I was also contributing by paying for utility bills and council tax, plus I paid for the majority of food shop because the money he would give wouldn't cover much at all. I was asked to contribute more because he has loans to pay and he is struggling financially. Loans he took to buy properties abroad. He bought a property just under a year ago- could have paid back his loans instead.

Why can't you leave? What is holding you back? Please go see a DV counsellor, he is using male entitlement against you and likes to see you doing chores because he thinks that is a woman's role and it makes him feel powerful.

Dh and I find it easier to have set jobs. I work part time but have a disability. Dh works full time and is the breadwinner.
my jobs
cook mon-thurs
dishwasher
laundry
bathrooms
dusting
tidying/organising
ordering weekly shop

dh jobs
cooks fri -sun
walks dog
hoovers/mops
diy
bins
recycling
garden
changes beds

We do not tell each other when or how to do each others jobs.

This is just not an equal partnership or marriage. You work similar hours (or him less) and yet you are expected to do everything around the house. It sounds like you have completely separate finances. He’s buying property without consulting you or accounting for the strain that puts on you as a unit financially?
To answer your question - for a couple that work similar hours and have no children, I’d expect them either to have joint finances (all salary into one pot, all bills paid from it - we’ve always had an equal ‘allowance’ paid into our own accounts) or to contribute in proportion to earnings. Any work to keep the home going should be shared 50:50 either taking turns to cook/wash/clean or allocating different jobs to each person.
Since you are married his properties, savings etc (but also potentially his debts/loans depending how they were taken out) are all yours too. Is he squirreling away money/property overseas to make it difficult for your to take your share if you split? Putting you in a stretched financial situation here to do that? Why are you putting up with that?

He told his family members at the time of us getting married not to tell me about a couple of plots of land he had at the time. His most recent property he only bought less than a year ago where he was getting me to pay for our holiday accommodation and most of the groceries etc because I refused to live at his mum's house, so he was being difficult and as a result I had to pay for an Airbnb for weeks. He wouldn't lift a finger around the house then, not even a single plate of his own cleaned, would mope or lounge around all day or go see his friends and to them he would boast about how nice the Airbnb he is staying at is. Then come home and behave like he was doing the biggest favour of his life by not staying at his mum's and I dare not expect more from him. So I kept paying, I found out later that he had bought another plot of land during that trip from his mum who was selling it because his brother's needed some money. I was not told about it at the time neither consulted. He could have used that money to pay off some of his debts that he uses an excuse to get me to contribute more now. I don't have anything to my name, not even a car to call my own - it doesn't feel fair that I can't even get a chance to save and build an asset for myself like he has.

There really is no benefit for you in staying in this relationship. He is unkind to you, and no practical use at all. I would say he should be paying you as his housekeeper as that is how he seems to see you. But I’d still be advised you to leave if he was because it wouldn’t be acceptable for him to treat you like that if he was your employer, let alone someone who’s meant to love you.

You were targeted by him.

Are you a British citizen whilst he is not?.

What sort of marriage ceremony did you have or was this actually a religious ceremony?

Are you married according to English Civil Law?. Was there a registry office ceremony?.

Chores etc are the very least of your problems here. HE is your abuser here and in addition sees you as and otherwise treats you like a servant.

You are being well and truly used by him and he thinks you are a mug with MUG written on your forehead. He has feathered his nest at your expense.

Life with him will remain just as miserable for you as long as you are with him. Where is your support in terms of family and or friends here?.

You need a realistic plan to leave that does not involve winning the lottery. He’s using you as unpaid housekeeper whilst building up assets overseas that will be difficult for you to make a claim on. I suspect that’s very deliberate because anything he owns here would be half yours. He’s shown you clearly that the plan is to rent, live hand to mouth and accumulate debts here whilst building up wealth in his name only in his home country (if I have that right?)
It might be worth having an initial chat with a lawyer to understand what you’d be entitled to if you walked away. If the answer is nothing then at least you understand his strategy and can decide if you’d be happier starting again on your own and building up savings etc for yourself.

You are in a controlling abusive relationship.
Contact Women's aid.

I wouldn't be with a man who expects me to do all the work around the house, regardless of financial contributions.

To answer the direct question, at times in our relationship I have contributed more, other times he has. At times I did more housework - specifically when I was working PT and he was working exceptionally long hours. Now (retired), he does more housework as he is physically more capable than me. I do what I can. It's a partnership.

Good luck starting out on your own, you'll be fine.

Honestly divorce this is no marriage

A marriage is two people who work as a team to make each others lives better, not harder.

You are not his partner. Divorce him.

If you continue to accept all this, then you’re a fool.

If you divorce him get a forensic accountant. The property he owns outside UK is counted as joint assets in UK divorce. Also if he has debts they are also counted. Find a suitable solicitor here in UK, one that is competent in overseas assets.

Best thing you can do is protect yourself with very good contraception (implant?) and contact Women's Aid.