What is your division of labour + expenses like between your partner and yourself?

[Zeemie22]

Just the above really. I am trying to figure out what the normal is for people who don't have kids and both partners are employed.

I work full time and my partner does variable shift work, usually 3-5 shifts a week. He doesn't do any of the housework or cooking even if he is home and has fewer shifts in any given week so it's always either me doing everything at home or nothing gets done. If I could get some responses with this in mind that would be really helpful. Thank you.

Because he says he pays for rent and groceries (about 60% of the basic grocery items,, everything else I pay for including buy appliances, replacements, supplies etc etc). I also pay for bills - electricity, gas and council tax.

Before children and well even with children, it’s 50/50 when we’re home, though we each have our strengths. Obviously, whoever is home does all the stuff when they’re home and when we’re both home, we both do things. There is no sitting around while the other runs around doing everything.

We both have our jobs though. I cook and do the food shopping, because I am a better cook and I care about food. Dh would live off pizza and sausages and mash if given the opportunity. I eat nicer, fresher food, so I sort the food so he doesn’t just feed us crap I don’t like. He does the bins and the DIY and the lawns and 80% of the dog care. We have 2 dc and whoever is home sorts them. I do school runs when Dh is busy and he does them when I’m busy. I do drop offs to activities, he does the pick up. And so on. Basically, no one sits down and puts their feet up (unless they’re unwell) while the other runs around and whoever is less busy with works gets stuff done while the other works.

I don’t really think how much stuff one partner pays for factors into the division of domestic labour. However, even if one did believe that, it doesn’t sound like he’s paying for more than you are. Have you actually worked it out? It would be interesting if you did.

And you ignored the key question in my comment. Which is, why you’re tolerating this?

My only response to your question is “why”. Why are things so j even between you. So you work many many fewer hours than him, is he disabled or not well?

just why, really?

I don't really have an answer to your question, but more than that I don't really have the energy to go into that thread right now. I'm sorry.

I did run the numbers and it turned out it was an equal split 50/50 how we were doing everything - except that he won't do any cooking or cleaning etc. I put a number to my average hours of labour around the house, what I'd get paid if it was a job, summed up all my ££ contributions and it was not a fair split according to me.

Because he just won't do it. Like a stubborn kid he just won't do anything. If I ask for help, it will be an escalation and I will be the one shouted at. Like a little kid always trying to get his way when it comes to labour, and also money to a large extent.

If it's not 50/50 bills and home responsibilities then someone is a manipulator, sucking all the effort from the other person. If they don't want to do the work themselves then they have to pay for that job to be done.

So, for example, if your partner doesn't want to do housework 50/50 then they have to pay a cleaner for all the home to be cleaned. If they don't want to cook then they have to pay for all the food to be bought, cooked and washed up by a housekeeper. All washing/ironing should go to a laundry. Handyman to do all outside work including bins, car washing, garden tidying, washing windows etc.

Do you see where this is leading:

So any task they are not prepared to contribute to physically or mentally they should totally pay for the whole task to be done so there is no resentment by either person.

I think if you put this scenario to your partner and mean it, with no discussion about you doing the whole lot it could change the dynamics of your relationship either way. Do not settle for anything less than 50/50 if he says he will do his share in future.

So far I have been doing the labour and it seems like he gets a kick out of it, he wants me to do the housework and chores. We spent a week in a Travelodge in between a house move a month ago and as soon as we shifted to this new place, he said 'well enough of you not having any work to do, do some work now around the house'. I paid for the house move, the week in Travelodge, the storage unit etc. He needs to see me doing housework for some odd reason and you are right, that has affected our dynamic.

You know what I do when DH is sitting on his arse or doing his hobbies when chores are stacking up - I do the same If he has time to do what he wants, then so do I. Took about a year for him to notice the house wasnt as clean and tidy as he liked

And every single time I walk in the door to hear "I did this for you" I calmly say " no you did it for us, we are both adults, we both share this space "

Stops rows, stops any feeling of injustice . I will live in so much mess and not batt an eye . He still uses the floor as a wardrobe, that's fine, until hes got no thermals clean and I reply unless clothes are in the basket, how am I expected to know they need washing - hes getting better and I just grit my teeth as the pile gets bigger

Yup, this is working for him. What are you going to do about it ?

I work four days a week (one from home) and DP works FT. Our household expenditure is split to reflect the differences in our earnings. Task wise we have set chores we do - I do laundry, including ironing, cleaning the bathroom, and dusting/polishing, plus deep cleaning the cat’s litter tray. He does bins/recycling, hoovering and mopping, and gardening. We split cooking depending on who’s home first and what meals we’re having, so one week I might do 4/7 nights of dinners but next week he might do 6/7 but it all evens out pretty equally. I’m a chuck it all in a pot and hope for the best cook, he’s a recipe follower, and at least once a week we have a night where it’s something like a shop bought quiche with a baked potato and salad.

That all sounds fine, but housework (not money!) is our biggest source of household strife. I can’t relax until it’s done, and while he will always do his jobs he does tend to leave it to the last minute and it drives me mad. He works a compacted week and has a Friday afternoon off, and I just don’t understand why he doesn’t just blitz it then.

Wtf hes a lazy git ....if one is home and it needs doing that one does it. If a bill needs paying its paid from our money if everything is covered neither question what is brought we trust each other.
How did you end up the maid?

You guys say whoever is free/home/gets time/etc does what needs doing. If that's something we would have done, he wouldn't be home before mealtimes and if I questioned that, he wouldn't be home for mealtimes at all. So I can not trust him with that setting, he will find his way to make all excuses under the roof to find loopholes that would need 'my understanding'.

So hes controlling and financially abusive what does he bring to the party? Dont have kids.

What do you think about this situation OP.

My relationship is a partnership.

It doesn't sound like yours is.

I would tell him to become a proper partner or bugger off.

I know you are tired (and have plenty of reasons to be)...but hope you can get some space for yourself to see what you really want and what you really deserve (its not this. And it's not just about the housework).

And definitely don't have kids in the meantime.

Seperated now. No children.

no joint accounts but both contributed financially. That was pretty much equal.

division of labour, different story. We both do shift work (I also do nights) and work more hours. Yet I was left to do most chores because he was “tired”.
even when it came to building work like DIY or getting builders in/banking/taxes etc, I did most of it.
he was the sort to ignore parking tickets in the hope it would go away.

pretty much similar to you. It didn’t get better and eventually left (also had the pleasure of being verbally abused).

That’s vile of him, using something you told him in confidence against you.

What would it take for you to leave him? What do you think your life might look without him?

Then he woildnt get food, washing etc and wouldnt be sleeping with me whilst we look for our own places. I dont need to be someones mummy or to have an adult child.
Its tough but if he isnt pulling his weight hes taking the piss and he knows it....thats not love

Sounds exhausting op. You should be a team.This 'point scoring' is just wrong! Please do not have children with this man.

Thank you for sharing this and I am sorry for how things went. I hope life is better for you now that have you some distance. Hugs.

I’m sorry, but he doesn’t sound like a ‘partner’ at all. He sounds like a nasty bully who is taking advantage of you and doesn’t love you.
partners work things out together 💐

I’m struggling to see what he is bringing to the relationship. We split everything, money goes into a joint account, savings and big spending is jointly decided. We split housework, some jobs I hate he will do more of and vice versa. We are a team.

I bought some lottery tickets today for the very first time. I would leave and never look back if I had a house of my own.

We earn the same so both pay 50:50, that was different when he earned more than me. We just do things to run the house, today my husband did all the washing and made dinner. I loaded the dishwasher and cleaned up.