Friend in constant competition with me

[CoffeePleaseBlack]

I hope someone can give me some idea or tell me its all in my head.

Sorry for the long post but I really need some advice. I am unsure whether this is normal or I am correct in wanting to distance myself.

I have been very close friends with a girl I have known now for 11 years. We are otherwise very close as are our daughters.

She has always been like this but I have noticed something has sort of ‘tipped’ her over the edge currently.

Me and DH have finally sold our house after being on the market for 8 months. We have found our dream home and it is beautiful.

My friend (I will call her Emma), this has for some reason tipped her over the edge... We have been in our current first home (a 2 bed terraced, small but ideal home) for the past 10 years. Along with Emma who has the exact same house type, different area. She has also been at her home for 10 years, same as us.

Long story short, she had absolutely no intention to move (I asked her before we put our house on the market if she was thinking of moving) she said they were happy where they were as they only had one child.

As soon as I have announced we have finally sold our home and had found somewhere else, the same day she announces to me she has got her ‘decision in principal’ and sends me the screen shot…!

I feel like she cannot allow me to have my happiness or ‘our moment’. There is always a reminder that she can ‘also do better’ as much as me??
As soon as we bought our current home where we have just sold, they booked an appointment with a mortgage advisor that day.

As soon as I told her I was pregnant and softly broke the news, she didn’t speak to me for half a week and explained that ‘she was happy for me’ but I had to understand that she was ‘sad for herself’ as she was not in our position.
I don’t know if this is normal behaviour or all in my head?

We have struggled to sell our home and also finally be able to afford to move. But because DH has what we think is at least a decent salary, and I work part time because of my daughter, she cant understand (in her words) how we have ‘managed to move’…

She has said things in the past about her ‘other friends’ which is very concerning. For example, she said she hopped that her other friend does not get pregnant before her, as she is having issues with fertility… she makes very competitive comments about her friends houses also. She is very unhappy with her own house and unable to move right now, along with I think personal struggles which she is not always open with me about.

Everytime her friends have good news it is a struggle for her, it feels like.
When we were struggling to sell our home, she kept asking me lots of questions about it and almost seemed to take some pleasure in our difficulties. But now that we’ve actually sold it and are excited to move into the home we’ve had our hearts set on, she seems to be having a hard time accepting the news and now I am being given the silent treatment.

She has had close friends in the past stop talking to her/ ghost her and she is unsure why, they will give her no explanation, just keep their distance and I would always pacify her to make her feel better but now I am starting to see why this may be the case. She also has a sister who does not speak to her anymore and in-laws she does not get along with.

Is this in my head or a normal friendship thing? I don’t have a lot of ‘close friends’ to compare her behaviour to but I must say I haven’t had this sort of behaviour noticed in other friends.

Thanks for anyone who can help

She’s jealous and emotionally immature. My sister is like this. I eventually went NC because it felt like if she could do harm to my reputation to make herself look good then she would. Does your friend have any self awareness or is she “sensitive” as these types always seem to be?

To use a mn classic…
you don’t seem to like her very much!

On the face of it, I’d say she was just spurred on by your happiness in getting a new house and she’s finally plucked up the courage to look for her happiness and a new house, I’d be really happy for her. I don’t see how her MIP detracts from your happiness, or takes any shine off you - it’s a bit ‘House-zilla (if that’s a thing?!). I wouldn’t want my friends to feel they have to bask in my happiness and not share any news with me. The other stuff with friends could be an issue so I’m guessing there is more backstory.

She has always been an extremely jealous of her friends, and I get the hint with myself. She sadly does not have her mum alive anymore and her dad she is in no contact with (his decision), and everytime she comes to my parents house to visit she always comments on the house, more so than how they actually are in their old age.

thank you for your comment. I know what you mean about making herself look good. She is not sensitive, just I don’t think very ‘aware’ of herself. She compares herself a lot to others all the time.

She made a comment to me that she doesnt think we will be close anymore once I have my second child as we aren’t ’on the same page’ anymore…?! It’s like we have to constantly be on an even playing field .

I almost love her like a sister

Aw ok thank you!! Maybe it’s me then!!

OP, she's not your friend. A charming or occasionally cheerful acquaintance maybe, but there's a difference.

A friend is someone who's on your side. Someone who you can generally trust, who with celebrate your joys and empathise with your more challenging life moments. It's someone you can also be vulnerable around without feeling like they will secretly enjoy hearing about your difficulties or upsets. She is not that. She is jealous of you and I suspect doesn't actually like you, deep down.

The sending you of the screenshot was totally random and unnecessary, and no, it's not exactly 'normal' to behave the way she does. Not incredibly unusual either, but not normal.

It's obviously not you. It's quite sad really because it seems to be the way she views everyone around. It must be quite tiring, all that comparing. She's in serious need of therapy, but unfortunately, this may just be an ingrained character trait.

Very sad to say I totally agree.

She sounds annoying but I think you should leave her be. She’s clearly struggling with aspects of her own life and probably feels insecure and inadequate in comparison to you and that’s why she’s behaving like this.

If she’s having fertility problems then I can totally understand why she felt uncomfortable when you announced your pregnancy and she told you she felt sad for herself so I would definitely cut her some slack regarding this.

The rest of it, I wouldn’t get too worked up about. Whether she gets a new house or not isn’t going to detract from you, so I think this is a case of ‘whatever makes her happy.’ Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, as they say.

Unless she’s making frequent snide remarks about your life choices, trying to sabotage your happiness, or copying you to the extent that, for example, she goes out and buys matching outfits constantly, then it wouldn’t bother me because you can’t control what someone else chooses to do and it’s not having a detrimental effect on you.

Thank your lucky stars that you are not like her, Op.

Be kind and get on with your own life.
Your friend will always be herself.

OP, I once had a friend like this. We met in our early 20's through a mutual friend and became besties for over a decade. She was like a sister to me, but there was always this competitive streak. No matter what we were doing she had to be the best and got very sullen if she wasn't. In group environments, nobody was more successful or had it worse, whichever suited the narrative best to make her stand out. Half of it was lies as I knew her more than anyone. Like your situation, she revelled in my hardships. Towards the end, she would even raise them in every group conversation she could, especially around men she was interested in.

I tried to address these issues, plus others, with her many times and she just got sensitive and defensive. After so many failed attempts, I finally decided to let her go and walk away. She reached out a lot in the first year and there were times I missed the good times and responded. I eventually got stronger at letting go, hoping that one day she would think about our conversations and look inwards. So far I have seen no evidence of self reflection and its been 6 years.

My advice is to try and directly raise this with her and if she is not willing to listen and reflect, then distance yourself. No need to be aggressive or mean about it, but at least give her the opportunity to hear your perspective and judge for herself how much she truly wants you as a friend. Also make sure to take on any feedback she offers in return for your own consideration.

I would say you selling your house gave her the motivation & kick up the arse to do something and sell her own house its not competition you motivated her.

the baby thing, I have sympathy for there is nothing worse than struggling to get pregnant and watching your loved ones have babies with ease. It is heart wrenching. The baby thing you need to cut her some slack on - you sound a bit mean spirited.

Is English her first language???

So weird.

She sounds desperately unhappy. I'd feel sorry for her and gently distance myself

Yes English first language.

Didn’t mean to sound mean spirited. I’m just trying to explain what’s going on…

the baby thing I sympathise 100%, as I have also had my struggles. But as soon as I announced I was pregnant she stone walled me and blanked me until it was convenient for her to be happy for me which I really struggled to deal with after such a long friendship.

Thank you

She's jealous and sees life as a competition - some people are just like that. yes, maybe there's stuff in her past that accounts for the way she is, but that's nothing to do with you. Either accept that she will continue to be passive/aggressive about all the things in your life, or cool the friendship.

I had one like this. Every comment to my - or indeed anyone’s- social media posts managed to refer back to her experiences, her feelings, her kids. Same in real life.

it was tiresome and in the end I just binned off the ‘friendship’ and life was less complex for it.

To be honest OP I would put her at arms length. A friend who makes you feel bad about yourself for bettering yourself is not a real friend. Over the years I had a couple of friends who went jealous and funny when I moved through different life stages, sometimes a dynamic change brings out the worst in people.
you can keep her as an acquaintance but I would be careful what you tell her as she will start trying to make you feel bad.

She's competitive. In her head she has to think that she's the 'best' or has something she is superior in. It sounds as though she has very low self esteem indeed - does she have any abilities or anything that she actually CAN win at? Because it sounds as though she always feels slightly second best and she's always running to catch up.

The only thing I could suggest is jokingly saying 'it's not a competition, Emma!' every time she starts on, if you want to keep her as a friend, and maybe talking up something that she does excel in, if there's one aspect of her life (does she paint/create things/play a musical instrument well, anything) then playing that up as though you can't imagine how she can possibly paint.create things/play an instrument and you wish you could.

Or, you just slowly drop her as a friend.

Well, maybe you're in fact very alike?

Because you keep describing her as 'competitive', but in fact you seem equally unhappy that she's 'not allowing you 'our moment', and think she's reminding you she can 'do better' also?

I feel like she cannot allow me to have my happiness or ‘our moment’. There is always a reminder that she can ‘also do better’ as much as me??

You're just too alike, OP. That's why this is annoying you so much.

But then surely you understand that hearing a close friend is pregnant when you've struggled to conceive can be really difficult, and that it's hardly unreasonable for someone you 'love like a sister' to need to take a bit of time to come to terms with something difficult before 'being happy for you'?

I once heard the saying that the true test of friendship is if a friend can be genuinely happy for you when things are going well and I think that's very true. I have known people who are happy to give you pity when things are shit but the moment you get some success they disappear or start making snide comments.

Your friend is clearly pathologically jealous and that usually stems from a lack of self esteem and deep unhappiness inside. It's very sad but you cannot fix her, only she can do that. Personally, I wouldn't be able to stand constant unrelenting competitiveness about who did what first and badgering about how I did xyz when she couldn't etc

To me, that's not what friendship is. Her behaviour is exhausting, tedious and passively hostile. I would be fading her out pronto I'm afraid. Jealousy can easily solidify into bitterness and that leads to unending misery for everyone around the person.

She must be struggling a lot with the baby thing, and no, her reactions aren't reasonable but maybe it's okay for her not to be reasonable all the time when she's in such pain. The house thing, too, is a baby-related matter- you need more space because you have 2 children, and have said yourself that she wasn't planning on moving because she only has one child.
You say you love her like a sister, but it's true what a PP said- you don't seem to like her, and don't seem to be very empathetic.