Do I want too much?

[Lamplight78]

Hi. I've been in a LDR for a few years which seems to be at an end. I've given this relationship my all but I've never felt loved or secure.

My RL friend thinks I want too much, that love and romance is for teenagers, and that you should look at how practical and solvent someone is. Me and him are late 50s.

I'm his biggest cheerleader, tell him how smart and handsome he is, and I've always been crazy about him. But it's one sided. I'm always the one travelling to see him. He won't hold my hand, ever, never shows affection unless he wants sex (which he wants daily), never pays me compliments and never says he loves me.

He kept me a secret from his extended family for ages, and we're not even Facebook friends.

But he's done a lot for me. Has done work on my flat, cooks for me and has taken me on holiday a few times. He says he shows love by acts of service.

I once asked him if he loved me and his reply was "I don't love you and much as you love me." Another time he told me he loved his ex (who is deceased).

I feel sad, unloved and used. As though I've just been filling in a role. We had a huge row a couple of weekends ago after he'd been horrible to me. He's gotten meaner of late. I said I didn't think he even liked me, let alone love me, and asked him why he even wanted to be with me. He said "Because I love you. There. I said it."

I wanted to end it but he said, have a think about it and give me a ring when you've made your decision, so we're having some space. I know he'll never change and it needs to end but I'm wondering if my friend is right, that I expect too much?

I would say, gently, that if you’ve been travelling for years to see a man who isn’t that bothered, keeps you secret and never shows you affection unless he wants sex, you don’t want anywhere near enough!

I expect partners to cook, and I can hire people people for DIY and pay for my own holidays!

Giving your all in a situation where you don’t feel loved is not logical - I know that sounds harsh but this mindset will attract not great men.

I personally do think you’re being very unrealistic, in terms of the love and romance - but I don’t agree with your friends stance. But that’s irrelevant really - but a man who says ‘I don’t like you as much as you love me’ isn’t someone you should waste anymore time with. He certainly isn’t going to ever give you Disney romance. This guy is a dud.

Thanks. I'm not expecting Disney romance, but it would be nice to be with someone who loves me and is affectionate outside of the bedroom too.

I’m not saying that it’s too much to ask, but I am saying you won’t get it from this man. His actions are speaking loud and clear.

You can absolutely hope for more than that.

I agree. Genuinely though, are all the 'deficits' I mentioned a normal thing in a mature relationship? He never apologises either. Ever, in fact.

Honestly sounds like your love languages are different. Seems like he knows exactly the type of relationship he wants at this point in his life whilst you want passion and compliments. It’s like someone who loves giving/receiving gifts vs someone who feels burdened by getting/by gifts. No one is wrong just on different wave lengths. You will have to choose if you can accept his way of showing love - will you accept that to him doing those things are burdensome? You mentioned he was being mean - that’s different to him just now showing you affection. How was he mean?

They absolutely are not normal!
We don't just all become cold arseholes when we get older. You feel affection, don't you? You show care? You make effort? So why don't you think he doesn't have to do any of that?? Why donyo think you don't deserve it?
There are mature men out there who are capable and willing to give this all to you. Your friend clearly hasn't found one but that doesn't mean you should follow her lead. I say you wasted enough time on this one.

In my head the keeping you secret defies everything- from someone who did ldr with an avoidant autistic man.

It’s not normal, though there are lot of emotionally stunted immature men out there, the type who want it all on their terms etc. They won’t ever change because they don’t want to do any inner work.

My sister and my RL friend (not the practical one) - also in their late 50s - are in great marriages. My sister's husband still holds her hand and my friend's husband is especially considerate and caring. So I know such relationships exist.

Another thing mine does is walk in front of me, so that I'm always trailing ten steps behind.

‘Acts of service’ is an accurately workmanlike description of how he sees the relationship! But it has to be acts of service in the context of a relationship that is loving, caring and interested. His approach is very transactional, it sounds to me. He’s making you feel like you are demanding, with his ‘there, I said it - and I cleaned your gutters’ attitude.

Wouldn’t make me feel cherished.

It's been a real knock to my confidence. I was happily single when I met him.

Thank you for understanding.

Do you know they've debunked the love language theory? It was quite convenient as it could be used to justify all kinds of bad behaviour (oh it's just not my love language to show you affection) but not based on evidence.

The thing is, do YOU feel cherished and respected? It doesn’t matter if anyone else would or wouldn’t, do you?

My DP is 70, very practical, but also warm and generous with his time and affection outside the bedroom. I very definitely feel cherished and respected, our foundations are strong.

I’d end this, everything you’ve said explains that he doesn’t love and care for you the same way.
If you didn’t put in the majority of the effort, it would have fizzled out ages ago.

Walk away
You’re worth more than the crumbs he’s throwing you

Being meaner: just the way he spoke to me a few times. I wasn't keen on some idea he came up with for somewhere to go on a weekend, saying I thought it was too expensive and thought it would be rubbish, and he said I was lecturing him. I didn't know I was doing this, and wasn't criticising him, only the venue. He reacted very angrily and I apologised over and over, saying I hadn't meant to hurt his feelings.

It simmered down by the evening but flared up again when I went to bed and accidentally disturbed him (we were in his RV). I had to climb over him to get into bed and as he moved I hit my head on the low ceiling. He was like "what are you doing, just get in bed", and I said "give me a chance" and he just reacted furiously and yelled at me really aggressively. I was so scared I couldn't sleep all night.

I went for a walk on my own at 6am, and so as not to disturb him I sent a text saying I'd be back by 8am as I thought that was the time we had to leave. When I got back he said he'd packed up the RV to leave (we were supposed to spend the day in the location we were at) because I wanted to leave. I didn't. I just thought we had to, so he said "FFS I TOLD YOU we didn't have to leave, didn't you listen to me?" Then he brings up the previous night again and the argument starts again.

So we left without seeing the city we'd gone to specially and he drove me straight home. I said to him "you know if you want to end it you can, you know. I can take it, I'm a big girl", to which he responded: "Ohh, you're SO self-pitying."
I didn't think I was being but just another typical misunderstanding.

I don't, no. Your relationship sounds amazing - I can only dream of this!

Another thing mine does is walk in front of me, so that I'm always trailing ten steps behind.

Walking too fast for you is an act of dominance. One of mine did that despite me asking many times for him to slow down. It was not the only demeaning thing he did.

I was going to say LTB anyway, but reading that makes me say

LTB

in the magic Mumsnet bigly letters.

He sounds awful and like he has zero respect for you. End it now with your head held high and never look back.

Please end it now. He really sounds abusive and the longer you stay the worst he’s going to get. You would be happier on your own. And then at least you’d have a chance of finding someone who actually likes you, even loves you.

Don’t wait for him to make the decision. Make it yourself and use that as a source of self-respect.

Your description of him actually reminds me of someone I used to know - even down to the RV - and believe me, if he's anything like that guy the anger will only get worse and you should definitely get out now.

I think its best to let him go, he doesnt mind you wanting out. Maybe couples counselling can solve issues of the fragmented relationship. Its hard to say.