Do I want too much?

[Lamplight78]

Hi. I've been in a LDR for a few years which seems to be at an end. I've given this relationship my all but I've never felt loved or secure.

My RL friend thinks I want too much, that love and romance is for teenagers, and that you should look at how practical and solvent someone is. Me and him are late 50s.

I'm his biggest cheerleader, tell him how smart and handsome he is, and I've always been crazy about him. But it's one sided. I'm always the one travelling to see him. He won't hold my hand, ever, never shows affection unless he wants sex (which he wants daily), never pays me compliments and never says he loves me.

He kept me a secret from his extended family for ages, and we're not even Facebook friends.

But he's done a lot for me. Has done work on my flat, cooks for me and has taken me on holiday a few times. He says he shows love by acts of service.

I once asked him if he loved me and his reply was "I don't love you and much as you love me." Another time he told me he loved his ex (who is deceased).

I feel sad, unloved and used. As though I've just been filling in a role. We had a huge row a couple of weekends ago after he'd been horrible to me. He's gotten meaner of late. I said I didn't think he even liked me, let alone love me, and asked him why he even wanted to be with me. He said "Because I love you. There. I said it."

I wanted to end it but he said, have a think about it and give me a ring when you've made your decision, so we're having some space. I know he'll never change and it needs to end but I'm wondering if my friend is right, that I expect too much?

haha, I got the famous MN LTB. You're right, of course. The walking in front thing is so annoying. One time, I deliberately wandered off in another direction so that he didn't know where I was.

He wears the pants in the rlsp. I mostly go along with what he wants because I usually don't have a huge preference as to what we do / where we go etc, but he has a tendency to be selfish. I wanted to go to a friend's daughter's wedding last summer and he refused point blank to go with me. He also refused to go to my friend's birthday party too. And has never shown any interest in meeting my friends and family.

I told him I think he wants out but doesn't want to be the one to call it. I suspect he may only want to keep me around for sex and convenience.

Yeah, leave the bastard, and raise the bar a lot higher for the next one.

🚩 He won't introduce you to his family after years. He's not proud to be with you.
🚩 He sabotaged the weekend away. I bet you won't bother asking to go to a place you want to visit again.
🚩 He shouted at you after you hit your head, when someone caring would have asked if you were hurt.

As far as this man is concerned, you aren't his partner, you are a self-delivering, self-storing fuck doll who is fueled by meals, DIY, and the odd holiday.

Tell me, were the holidays to places he wanted to go to, doing things that he wanted to do?

Him avoiding your family/wont introduce you to his means he doesn’t take this relationship seriously at all, or he wants to appear single. He’s also got some anger issues which is worrying, the more you update the worse he sounds.

Sounds like you're making all the effort and he's totally not worth it! Dump him OP, you deserve better!

I wasn’t really using the term to refer to the framework just attempting to provide a quick explanation for his propensities. Some people do find some of the aspects she wants burdensome and that is not inherently bad. It’s only bad if they are not willing to do it to hurt you, to purposefully withhold affection. You can definitely do it if you know your partner wants it but it does take energy and can become a chore if that’s not your natural inclination. She mentioned good qualities about him too. Things that other women might find more important than what she is having issues with. Everyone has things they are comfortable with. He may not even like so much compliments etc etc but accepts it because it is her natural inclination.

A self-delivering fuck doll. Exactly. Two holidays were to where he wanted to go. Two were long weekends in Europe for my birthday, which was actually kind and generous of him. I feel guilty thinking of ending it because the last trip (paid for by him) was only last month. But then I did not know this awful, toxic row was going to erupt and I would not have contemplated ending it had it not, because with this trip I felt he'd redeemed himself somewhat for a stay of ex(ecution). I was even planning to take him to his favourite holiday spot for his next birthday, but I'm not now.

He is barely even giving you breadcrumbs.

Clearly you need and deserve more than this from a relationship.
He's being a prick and wasting your time.

Take it into your own hands and dump him x

I totally feel this. That I'm the one driving the rlsp. I've only got myself to blame. I was besotted with him and was hoping time would improve things. They haven't.

that is an interesting perspective. I thought all women wanted to be loved and cherished? (Apart from my practical RL friend.)

I’m amazed it’s lasted ‘a few years’! Kindly - you do need to raise the bar if you have further relationships.

Effort in a relationship should be shared, ok often partners ‘share’ in different ways, but this chap sounds an utter dead loss.

@Lamplight78 have you heard of "main character syndrome"?

He is showing every classic sign.

You are still a vibrant woman, what you are really looking for in a relationship is definitely attainable, so set yourself free.🌸

I'm so mad at myself. I've wasted so much time. And you're right. I'm waiting to see a therapist in order to improve / work on myself.

I think the "love languages" thing is a bullshit excuse lazy people use to make as little effort as possible in a relationship tbh. Just so you can say "oh I don't want to do that because it's not my love language"??? Why we today put so much stock in some hokum wankery that was written by a random pastor in the 90's I'll never know.

No you're not expecting too much for wanting a bit of romance and open affection in your life, those things definitely aren't just for teenagers. This guy is definitely not the right person for you and you've been putting far too much energy into him for very little return. Time to move on I think.

Sounds like he doesn’t want to mix with your family with and vice versa. This could be because he is using you and doesn’t want to form a deeper connection or past experiences. I’d red flag this family stuff more so than him getting angry - being snappy, short, furious happens to the best of us. Only you can differentiate if he is just venting or he will physically hurt you. When DH gets angry - I am never scared he will hit me…I just think ‘cue the ignoring for few hours’ or just get angry back at him. If you are scared because he will assault you then you know you will have to leave. Also, it does sound you are waiting for him to break up with you, but given what you describe and your feelings - maybe it’s best you lose that game and just leave?

Hope it all goes well.

Thank you for your support. It means a lot. I feel very downtrodden and useless right now. I used to be vibrant and more confident. When I met him I wasn't even looking for a relationship. I was happily single. I'll have a look at this link - thank you so much for posting it.

Wasn’t it created by an American Pastor with appalling misogynistic views?

I am your age and 6 years ago I tripped over and landed in a very similar relationship. In fact I wondered at first if you are seeing my ex! I knew it was bad when I faked illness to avoid going over because I knew that the sex pest would be pushing again and again.

Dumped him 18 months ago and am currently sitting on my sofa happy as larry. I recommend this course of action.

I'm not afraid of him physically. I don't think he's going to hit me. I've just never seen that level of anger in him and it really scared me. I do worry about being used, yes. It's something we've talked about. He said he's not using me, but then he would, wouldn't he?

He is very weird with his own family too. He can't stand half of them and doesn't bother with them. There is only one member of his extended family that he actually likes. Apart from his adult children, who can do no wrong (and act as though I don't exist).

He really upset his sister some time ago and they don't speak anymore. I think he is wrong to discard people (like her) who care for him. She really wanted to meet me, and I wanted to meet her but he would never introduce us.

When two of his family members came round one day unexpectedly, quite early on in our rlsp, he 'persuaded' me to hide in the bedroom as no one knew about me at that point. But one of them walked in by mistake and we just stared at each other dumbfounded. It would be comical if it weren't so sad.

"downtrodden and useless" he is the architect of these feelings.

Never put the key to your happiness, in someone else's pocket @Lamplight78

Have courage, you have a wonderful future ahead, should you choose.

They do! I do! But loved and cherished looks different for everyone. For your friend it’s being practical. For you it’s through words and physical affection. His angry words (not I said words) might scare you yet be a turn on for another woman. I think you know he is not enough for you yet you know he won’t change. I think you would not care so much about compliments and such stuff if he assured he is serious and this is a long term relationship. Your concern, ultimately, is he is just passing time with you and you’d be very angry if wastes your years. If he assured you that he genuinely loves you very much and stopped trying to hide you - that would appease your instincts and you’d be happy.

Edited to add re family - OP, it really does sound like he does not want their influence on his relationship. It’s his family and be should be able to choose. Maybe he is trying to protect you?

Whatever you choose - you deserve to be happy and absolutely do not have to forgo your needs and desires in a relationship. Just gotta find that person on your wavelength.

My god, maybe I am! Mine is a sex pest too. I fancy him like mad but don't want the amount of sex he does. I compromise though and give the 'gift of love'. But now I resent the fact I go out of my way to accommodate his needs whereas mine are completely ignored. Not moaning, just getting the thoughts out of my head.

You need to value yourself.

Keeping you secret and making you walk behind him, what a massive shithead he is how could you not see that a long time ago.

If he is 50's then it isnt him as my ex was/is younger than me and is 50 next year. Seems there are a few of them about. Also mine didnt make any effort with trips, although the thing about the kids rings true, they knew about me but pretended I didnt exist.

I realised that we were happy as long as he was happy, if he wasnt happy then he made sure neither of us were happy. Selfish and cruel in other words. And once I saw that, I couldnt unsee it, which is where I think you are right now. You have seen the reality of who he is so whatever happens now, that knowledge will always be there.

Get rid babe, join the "50 and fuck you!" singles club, its wonderful.

I see what you are saying, and I'm certainly no picnic either. I'm far too sensitive and emotional. But I am naturally affectionate and cuddly, and I naturally give compliments if I like something. I don't see why giving compliments is such a big issue. The way my man is, you'd think it cost him money to pay one (or to apologise). I sometimes wonder if he's just trying to 'put me in my place'. Like the tall poppy syndrome.