Do I want too much?

[Lamplight78]

Hi. I've been in a LDR for a few years which seems to be at an end. I've given this relationship my all but I've never felt loved or secure.

My RL friend thinks I want too much, that love and romance is for teenagers, and that you should look at how practical and solvent someone is. Me and him are late 50s.

I'm his biggest cheerleader, tell him how smart and handsome he is, and I've always been crazy about him. But it's one sided. I'm always the one travelling to see him. He won't hold my hand, ever, never shows affection unless he wants sex (which he wants daily), never pays me compliments and never says he loves me.

He kept me a secret from his extended family for ages, and we're not even Facebook friends.

But he's done a lot for me. Has done work on my flat, cooks for me and has taken me on holiday a few times. He says he shows love by acts of service.

I once asked him if he loved me and his reply was "I don't love you and much as you love me." Another time he told me he loved his ex (who is deceased).

I feel sad, unloved and used. As though I've just been filling in a role. We had a huge row a couple of weekends ago after he'd been horrible to me. He's gotten meaner of late. I said I didn't think he even liked me, let alone love me, and asked him why he even wanted to be with me. He said "Because I love you. There. I said it."

I wanted to end it but he said, have a think about it and give me a ring when you've made your decision, so we're having some space. I know he'll never change and it needs to end but I'm wondering if my friend is right, that I expect too much?

Selfish. Yes. Cruel? He might be reading this so I'd better not say.

Something has just come back to me. I posted some message of encouragement once, on Reddit I think, to a woman who was extolling the virtues of female independence. He read it over my shoulder and, bizarrely and inexplicably, kicked off, saying it was "the worst thing I've ever done". OK. So we'd both had a few drinks in the pub... but .. eh??? He hates any talk of "strong women" too.

The fact that you are concerned that he may be reading this say everything you need to know, I know you know that.

Are you at home and safe?

I'm curious why you think you are "too sensitive," "too emotional" any why you need therapy to "work on yourself" and "improve yourself."

Yes I wondered that too. I cant help thinking that @Lamplight78 has been told that by other abusive people, when in fact she is simply asking for reasonable treatment and is rightly upset when she doesnt receive it.

🚩Flee any man who shows even the slightest hint of manosphere beliefs.

I'm safe and cosy in my own home, yes. It's bliss. I can do what I like, stay up all night if I want, eat and drink what I like. Lie in bed all day if I want to. In the first six months he wanted me to move to his city - we are in a LDR - and move in with him. (He was keen and committed once upon a time.) I'm so glad I didn't. He has lodgers sometimes and they drive him mad. Once I said to him: "When you live with others you have to compromise." He said: "No I don't. It's my house and it's my way or the highway."
The cruel thing - is not proven, I think. He admits he's selfish, and all the other stuff I've written are indisputable facts, so even if he's reading it he can't deny it.

Hahahahaha. My DH never ever thinks he is wrong! He thinks he will go heaven because he is such an innocent person. Only if I absolve him of his sins! He never apologises and if he does it’s half assed - you made me do it/say it. BUT he makes me laugh, worries for me, occasionally surprises me and much more. Once, I went from dark brunette to blonde - he didn’t notice until I brought it up. The thing is, there are things about him I value a lot more than what I don’t get from him. Additionally, I am a firm believer that all men can be a little shit hhhhh. So I’d only be replacing old problems with different kind of problems. Also, I don’t want to leave and keep looking for the perfect one? Just not something I have energy for. It’s really not that easy and it’s time for women to acknowledge this reality. Unfair but true.

I have a few things I’d never compromise over:
Fidelity
Good father
Respectful of my parents
Runs big decisions by me
Sets time aside for me and the kids.
Works hard
Honest

Thankful for what I do for him
Helps me sort my problems out
Appreciates me in his own ways - after a while you start recognising what that looks like for him and how often.

Maybe make your own?

I think I have a problem with emotional dysregulation and depressive tendencies. My sister thinks I'm ADHD. I have a temper too, although I'm certainly not physically violent! I want to go to therapy to make my life easier on myself and on others. When I'm upset I feel I'm a burden to people.

what is the manosphere? I've not heard of that....

I used to feel the same (ND) and oddly enough, I stopped feeling like that when I didnt have people in my life trying to make me fit their mold. Maybe worth thinking about.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manosphere

Basically they hate anything that makes women stronger and them weaker (in their view).

Glad that you are happy and safe. May I suggest you spend this weekend in your pants, a massive hoody and eating maltesers?

I like your positive post. My practical RL friend quite likes my guy. But they are very similar people. She says he's down to earth, reliable, not a womaniser or a flirt, a very capable person, very intelligent and very practical. He's done quite a lot of work in my flat that's saved me a fortune. Has taken me on holiday a few times and paid for everything. He's never mucked me around in terms of arrangements, dates, going away together etc - he always does what he says he's going to do. He's a great cook, and is financially responsible. He is quite stylish too.

Thanks, I'll have a look, and take your advice about the weekend! How long did your relationship last with the selfish, cruel fella?

No OBVIOUSLY NOT. Christ how low are you supposed to set the bar for relationships in your life? In hell? Why would you accept this shitty treatment? Love languages don’t mean he us excused from making you happy by learning to speak your love language! The whole point of identifying them is to learn and speak the other person’slanguage . Not toblet them shout at you in their language for the rest of your life instead of learning a shared language.

5.5 years. But the last 18 months/2 years were me questioning it, with the avoidance of the sex pest thing and seeing the selfishness right up there.

The thing that I learned (had an abusive marriage prior too) is that no amount of good makes up for the bad.

Someone on here once asked "if I gave you a dinner that was 90% perfect and 10% dog shit, would you eat it?" and that was when it fell into place for me.

@Lamplight78 then you're barking up the wrong tree with this one. You won't ever feel that happy with him because you know, and he knows you know he's not that bothered.
Move on I'd suggest.

Thanks for your support. I think a previous poster or two maybe thought my needs might be exhausting to some with a different relationship style.
That's really what I came here to ask because my RL friend thinks I expect too much. These are the things that are bothering me and I just wondered if others would be bothered by this or if it was just me:

• Never telling me he loves me
• Only showing affection when he wants sex
• Never giving compliments or showing his appreciation for me (which makes me feel unvalued and insecure)
• Criticising or judging me, whereas I'm his biggest cheerleader.
• Never apologising, always right (naturally, I'm always in the wrong)
• Not wanting to meet my family and friends
• walking in front of me in public, so I'm trailing behind
• refuses to hold my hand, when I see so many other couples doing it

Now I feel a bit better. I'm three years in. Hope has been the killer for me, hoping things would get better. But now I realise they won't. In fact, they are getting worse. I love the dogshit dinner analogy! It's so true.

Oh!!! So you are exactly where I was when the scales started to fall!

Dont be me! Dont waste another two years on this like I did! Dont eat another dog shit dinner!

hahaha... congratulations, you're the first person to make me laugh out loud over the past 24 hours - with 'don't eat any more dogshit dinners'.

We both know it's the end of the road. It's been coming for a while. I've almost got all of my stuff out of his house. Then I'll LTB. I'm terribly sad though. I reckon come the summer I'll be over the worst.

In the first six months he wanted me to move to his city - we are in a LDR - and move in with him. (He was keen and committed once upon a time.)

🚩 Love bombing and moving too fast.
🚩 Trying to isolate you from your friends and support network.
🚩 Pressuring you into sacrificing any job stability (e.g. employment rights associated with service length) you have for him.

"It's my house and it's my way or the highway."

🚩 If you'd moved in to his house with him, that's how he'd have treated you. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." (Maya Angelou)

This relationship is going to diminish your soul, you’ll never feel like you are good enough or worthy enough. Let it go OP, it would be better to be alone than to be on this emotional rollercoaster and always yearning for something he won’t give you. You’ll just feel smaller and smaller.

@Lamplight78 It might be worth having a look at attachment theory. Sounds like he has a classic avoidant attachment style. Possibly a dismissive avoidant from what you say. I’ve been there, things generally don’t get better, only worse.

oh that sounds awful. He sounds awful. That’s more than not affectionate, that’s nasty.

You don’t expect too much. You’re expecting too little.

Wanting to hold hands, be shown some affection, being able to refuse sex without him sulking (he does that too right?) is a very very low bar.

No it isn’t normal and no romance isn’t just for teens, it’s for humans. Don’t settle for this crap.

You know, the more I read your updates the more your bloke starts sounding like a carbon copy of my ex. I had the same problem as you, while I was in the middle of the relationship, I couldn't really see him clearly. Yes, I could factually state similar things he has done but I'd always come up with an excuse for him and I were convinced that I loved him dearly and we were just going through a rough patch.
Then the breakup happened and very very quickly (within the first two weeks!) the spell broke. And I was horrified that I ever fancied him to begin with.