How to deal with fwb situation

[Anotherdayanothernight]

Please be kind, I got out of a long term relationship, 15 years, no children, almost a year ago. In September I thought it would be a good idea to maybe find someone to have some casual fun with, so I met this guy online, he's 48 for context btw and I’m 52. He texted me a lot for the first couple weeks when he was on holiday in his home country and we had really lovely chats, we met for a coffee first when he came back and the following weekend I spent a night with him at his place, which was lovely and he was very attentive and caring.

Since then we have met up about once a week, always at his place with me staying over, apart from once when we went for a meal first, and the chemistry is of course amazing but I’m realising that fwb is not ideal for me as I’m catching feelings and feel anxious about all this. What is the norm for fwb anyway, this is all very new to me even at my age…

He hasn’t made any conversations about where this is going, neither have I. He has never cohabited and hasn’t got children either but has had a few long term relationships. We don’t message everyday, he’s fairly consistent setting up our next meeting and he was slightly flakey in the beginning but I caught him out saying that his flakiness doesn’t work for me and he has been ok since. I am guessing he’s still checking out other options.

So I will end up getting hurt unless I protect myself, please don’t say he’s an avoidant btw, lol, but can a fwb turn into something more eventually?

Well currently what’s in it for him to change things?

Forgot to mention that he does initiate contact sometimes but I don’t feel this is going anywhere

Valid point, what do you suggest I do differently?

Walk away. He’s given you no reason to think this is anything other than sex.

Stop going over to his place to deliver easy sex to his door, for a start.

I think you need to stop going to his house every week. Suggest something else and see how it goes. His reaction will tell you where he’s at. Or if you’re feeling brave, just be honest and ask him.
If he doesn’t step things up, or if he does a little bit then it reverts, don’t let it drag on. It’ll just destroy your self-esteem.

if you are beginning to get feelings , protect yourself and end it .

Talk to him about it . Tell him what you want to happen and ask if he wants it too. If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no, you can walk away.

It’s okay to say that you’ve realised this is no longer the type of relationship you want to pursue, and wish him the best. As a pp said, protect yourself. Mind your heart; it’s a precious thing, and you’ve only got one. 💐

Has he said he only wants to be fwb? I’d just be honest and have a conversation with him on what he wants, if it matches what you want then continue but if it doesn’t then walk away

Be honest about what you want from him, but be prepared for him to say he doesn’t want the same thing. If he doesn’t then stop having sex with him and walk away, if he does spend more time together not having sex and get to know each other on a less physical basis. Stick to your boundaries and don’t have sex with him hoping that one day he’ll change his mind because chances are he won’t.

To be honest of you got to the anxious stage and "maybe it will be more", then there is nothing you can do but walk away. You are seeing him for sex once a week. If it could be more, it would be by now.
I think FWB is a misnomer in this case. I have a FWB, we are friends first and foremost. We hang out, go to theatre, speak on the phone about nothing, sometimes we have sex. A person you just have sex with and nothing else is not a friend. And maybe releasing that is the first step in disengaging emotionally.

Got it, must admit I am a bit rusty after being in a long term relationship and the chemistry is so good! He has never promised me anything but always making future plans to meet up and gives me personal gifts and there is a lot of affection when we meet, like cuddling, kissing, spooning during the night so no wonder I get confused 😕

Get out before those feeling catch light properly

Maybe he feels the same way?

I don't agree that if it was going to be more it would be.
Sometimes things just develop slowly.

Friends with benefits is a recipe for disaster and in every case one of the participants will become attached, while the other remains indifferent.

stop having sex with him, as it won’t lead to him falling in love if it hasn’t already

To me a fwb reationship is a close friendship which also includes sex. You have the sex curently butare somehow missing on the friends part. You seem to be doing all the running round and pleasing.If you are beginning to have real feelings for this man you need to find out what he expects from the relationship in order to protect yourself.

Sure but there has to be a basis for developing something. Something more than "chemistry". If they were doing things together, sharing interests.. whatever. Maybe. But they have an arrangement where they spend all the time in his flat having sex with a bit of spooning at night. That's not a place from which something more develops. Which is why I say even FWB is a misnomer in this case.
And they don't even feel comfortable having a conversation about their intentions.
Plus, OP is getting anxious which, in itself, suggests that this is not a healthy and supportive arrangement.
Where is any evidence of compatibility? Apart from sex, of course.

Well sex is obviously a powerful and (usually) crucial part of a relationship. Sometimes it comes first and other intimacies follow. Some of these posts seem to be dismissing it as 'just sex', and something mainly for the man's benefit.

As I think Esther Perel once said, sexual chemistry is hard to 'work on', it either is there or isn't, so isn't a small thing IMO. I guess it depends on the importance of sex, to both parties.

OP, do you have any common interests? Any room for growing the relationship further?

I did fwb one time before ( never since ) , thought the relationship would suit me , I got attached , he didn’t , I was very upset & he went onto meet his next female friend 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Ask him straight out does he want something more serious .
If he says no , you walk away .
Do not think for one second his feelings may change the more time you spend with him .
They won’t .

I don't think you can definitively say that his feelings won't change! People's feelings change and evolve all the time.

We share quite a few interests/hobbies although we’ve never done any of them together

Yes, I would like to but as a person I’m quite shy and reserved so it’s not easy for me

As a first step you could suggest doing one of your shared hobbies/interests together? If he is not interested then you will know he is unlikely to want to take things further.