How to deal with fwb situation

[Anotherdayanothernight]

Please be kind, I got out of a long term relationship, 15 years, no children, almost a year ago. In September I thought it would be a good idea to maybe find someone to have some casual fun with, so I met this guy online, he's 48 for context btw and I’m 52. He texted me a lot for the first couple weeks when he was on holiday in his home country and we had really lovely chats, we met for a coffee first when he came back and the following weekend I spent a night with him at his place, which was lovely and he was very attentive and caring.

Since then we have met up about once a week, always at his place with me staying over, apart from once when we went for a meal first, and the chemistry is of course amazing but I’m realising that fwb is not ideal for me as I’m catching feelings and feel anxious about all this. What is the norm for fwb anyway, this is all very new to me even at my age…

He hasn’t made any conversations about where this is going, neither have I. He has never cohabited and hasn’t got children either but has had a few long term relationships. We don’t message everyday, he’s fairly consistent setting up our next meeting and he was slightly flakey in the beginning but I caught him out saying that his flakiness doesn’t work for me and he has been ok since. I am guessing he’s still checking out other options.

So I will end up getting hurt unless I protect myself, please don’t say he’s an avoidant btw, lol, but can a fwb turn into something more eventually?

I would like to feel secure, and also realise fwb is not for me so would be nice to know how he sees this so I can make a decision. I just don’t know how to bring it up…

OP.
You should write in a message to him exactly how you feel .
I find if you’re in someone’s company that there is something you want to say , you can get all muddled up , walk away from conversation not happy with how you came across, well that’s just me anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️.
I mean you’re not happy with it just being fwb , so it is time you said it .

How about something like 'hey, it's been 6 months now & I would like to know how you're feeling about things/'us'?'

then let him fill in the pause...

When I was young I'd write letters too, until one boyfriend said if I couldn't talk to him there was really no future for us. So I had to pull myself together & face awkward conversations 💁🏻‍♀️

Yeah , that’s true actually now that I do think about it some more .
Infact, I was seeing someone who wanted to leave things off .
He messsged me , at the time I thought, we are both adults, we knew each other very well infact .I at least deserved a face to face conversation.
I really did think less of him as a person for doing it being honest.
It made the breakup a lot easier !! 🙂

from my experience with casual relationships, men rarely want more, and if they do it’s obvious.

men don’t think like women, he probably has zero idea that aren’t perfectly happy with the current set up. right now, he is getting sex and romance once a week and then he can go back to his quiet life without worry about any of the extra stresses a relationship brings.

the fact he has never co-habited would be a clear sign that he is not interested in relationships, so I wouldn’t get your hopes up that he wants something more.

you need to decide if you’re happy with the set up, and if you’re not what exactly you want.

then you need to tell him straight, don’t beat around the bush hoping he’ll understand, you need to spell it out to him and be prepared to hear his answer.

if it’s anything but an enthusiastic yes, I would walk away.

there’s never an easy way to say these things or a right time, so you just need to come out with it.

The reality is OP that if you want something specific you need to set the boundaries and walk away as soon as you aren't getting that.

he won't 'guess' or 'suddenly change'

If you need to ask 'what are we' generally there is no real commitment there.

If its making you anxious - tell him you are only interested in a committed relationship then walk away - if he likes you enough he will come after you.

it's that simple but unfortunately we all know the mistake of thinking if we are cosntantly available someone will fall for us.

FWB is different to a casual relationship and it sounds like you have a casual relationship. Instigate a conversation about exclusivity and boundaries- that’s will answer your questions

Going out for dinner, spooning kissing etc aren’t things which should be seen as him wanting more. Many people do these things because they feel good in the moment. Not everyone associates these things with anything more than ‘this is nice’ but it doesn’t lead to or mean anything very much at all. Other people get very attached purely from intimacy alone - I’m not saying he is the first one tbh, I’m just saying not everyone views those activities in the same way, or attaches the same meaning to them.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but at this stage you're basically a free escort for him!
You have to force yourself to have the conversation, however hard you find it. Just start by saying "can I talk to you about something?" Then "I'm not sure I want us to continue like this.... I'd rather be in a relationship" and go from there.

I'd be wary though of him agreeing, just to keep his sweet deal going. Be careful he doesn't just string you along for his own benefit.

“ Basically a free escort for him “ 🙄
You do know people can meet up just for sex & don’t have to be in a committed relationship or married ??
Oh & women enjoy sex just as much as men .
We’re not like “ escorts “ for them “ 🙄..

It’s just OP would like something more serious , but there is nothing at all wrong with casual relationships once everyone is on the same page .Do come back from the 1950s !!!!!

You really need to put your big girl pants on and talk to him.

It’s primarily sex, you wanted more which he’s not offered you, it won’t ‘turn into’ something good, the dynamic is bad: you’ve wasted time and energy.

Writing him a letter or bring up the "what next?" question just enables the person to give you platitudes and buys a bit more time only to realise in a year's time tha things haven't actually changed, but because they think they've had the conversation that's ok then.

if I were you I'd act decisively, no fuss no ultimatum, just a statement of fact, that this isn't working for you, thanks for the happy times, you're outa here.

Quite frankly I wouldn't like being with a man who's happy to take the easy bits and not make any effort to invest emotionally. they'll never change from that position because it's such an easy life for them. And it's such a struggle trying to move things forward (it just won't happen!), There are many people like that, men and women, but equally there are people who want a fully fledged relationship and won't get into such an arrangement of convenience.

you're better off cutting your losses, recognise this relationship isn't going to change or shift forward, and not feel forced into seeking permission or giving him the opportunity to feed you lines and platitudes.

I have had a few FWB, sometimes more sex focussed, sometimes more friendship focussed. Thankfully never caught the feels.
In this case he's been upfront about what he wants but you've changed the goalposts by catching feelings (not intentionally I'm sure)
Best thing is not to try to subtly change the situation into a relationship, you'll be second guessing yourself and it's likely to get messy. Better to have an open conversation with him, would he be interested in anything more.
You'll know where you stand then, and can walk away if he doesn't share the same feelings.

Appreciate everyone’s input, some of it a bit harsh, and I’m seeing him tomorrow night so will see if I’m brave enough to initiate a chat…

This.

You talk about this as though it is a fledgling romance but you signed up for a fuck buddy.

"Hey Alfred, I need to talk to you. When we started to see each other we said we would keep it casual and I was okay with it. But my feelings have changed and now I've realized I'm no longer okay with it and want a relationship. How do you feel about that?"