How to deal with fwb situation

[Anotherdayanothernight]

Please be kind, I got out of a long term relationship, 15 years, no children, almost a year ago. In September I thought it would be a good idea to maybe find someone to have some casual fun with, so I met this guy online, he's 48 for context btw and I’m 52. He texted me a lot for the first couple weeks when he was on holiday in his home country and we had really lovely chats, we met for a coffee first when he came back and the following weekend I spent a night with him at his place, which was lovely and he was very attentive and caring.

Since then we have met up about once a week, always at his place with me staying over, apart from once when we went for a meal first, and the chemistry is of course amazing but I’m realising that fwb is not ideal for me as I’m catching feelings and feel anxious about all this. What is the norm for fwb anyway, this is all very new to me even at my age…

He hasn’t made any conversations about where this is going, neither have I. He has never cohabited and hasn’t got children either but has had a few long term relationships. We don’t message everyday, he’s fairly consistent setting up our next meeting and he was slightly flakey in the beginning but I caught him out saying that his flakiness doesn’t work for me and he has been ok since. I am guessing he’s still checking out other options.

So I will end up getting hurt unless I protect myself, please don’t say he’s an avoidant btw, lol, but can a fwb turn into something more eventually?

That seems a good place to start, see if he'd like to do one of these with you?

Walk away. You’re vulnerable he’s following his regular pattern.

Yes , whilst I understand what you are saying .
If OP asks him would he like something more serious as she would, & he says no , well then i would walk away , simply because if he misses her & realises he would actually like something more other than just sex , well then he’s going to reach out to her 🤷🏻‍♀️.

You need to have an upfront conversation, but be prepared for him to feel blindsided if you stated you were only up for a fwb relationship. Men are simple creatures (sorry, not being sexist). They take things (especially concerning sex) at face value. You said it, he is delivering the goods - spoons 'n' all.

I'm prepared to be wrong, and of course I am only assuming you set the fwb clause from the off. I'd love for you to come back with a happy ever after story.

I agree, at the time I thought it was a good idea as have being in a long term relationship but since then I realise I’m not good at casual relationships

Good point and I’m trying to protect myself

Well it depends, for him the relationship that works for his life might be exactly what he's found. Someone whose company he enjoys, has good sex with but is infrequent enough not to intrude on the rest of his life. From what you've said it seems to be his preference

What else are you looking for? I'm the same age as you and I've decided that my DP who would wish us to live together at some point in the future is not going to be more than my weekend and odd weekday entertainment as I don't want anything more

A friend checks in with you now and again. How are you , how's work, Did you see the news etc.
A FWB includes sex. You do not blend families or friends. You will not live together. Marriage is a no no. it probably isn't long term. They may or may not shag other people, it depends on the conversation you've had regarding exclusivity. Any sign of catching feelings and it ends.

Don’t just concentrate on him, be less available, once a week is too often, and keep going on other dates with men that are looking for more. Tbh I don’t think you need to ask where it’s going, you know it’s only casual and he’d not leave you guessing if he wanted a relationship.

It works to some extent but we don’t know each other to the next level

You’re probably right and I would like this to be more than fwb but it’s all so confusing as I get the partner vibe but then no communication for a few days

Very good points, and I know I should but feel vulnerable atm

Do you have personal experiences of these relationships turning to something more?

I've only got one. Strong chemistry, loads of amazing sex, zero venturing outside his house. I eventually started dating someone else as was told repeatedly that "it is what it is". Five years later he called to say I was the love of his life... It was definitely much too late for that. That's as close as I got to "feelings change over time" and, honestly, I'm not even sure they did. It's just that his ego got hurt that I found someone else.

So yeah, I guess that's a strategy you could try @Anotherdayanothernight

I think you may be getting attached to the oxytocin hormones not him as it sounds like you don't really know him. Casual sex is intense for oxytocin hormones followed by oxytocin withdrawal.

He's probably not 48, likely older.

Good comments but he’s definitely 48

Yes I do have experience of this, and I know others who do as well - I feel it's more common in modern dating/amongst younger people (I'm late thirties and have friends in 20s/30s).

Of course many get stuck in 'situationships' that never go anywhere but also hook ups can definitely lead to relationships - communication is key. This relationship might be a 'non starter' (in the conventional relationship timeline sense) but I don't think OP knows yet either way.

But Op isn't in her 20s or 30s. And that matters. People are a lot more certain of what they want in that age bracket.
I'm not suggesting it's entirely impossible for someone to change their mind but it's vanishingly rare.

People see FWB as different things. Some see it as a relationship in all but name, others think is FB with a few added extras.

And not everyone is suited to casual. Some people can have sex without emotions, others would find they get attached

And although you maybe don’t realise it, only a year out of an LTR you are more vulnerable and less healed than you think.

Take time to be so the, work out what it is you really want and go from there. Don’t settle for crumbs just because you feel lonely

A lot of wisdom here and back for more, I’m still seeing him roughly once a week and we’ve been going out a bit more. We met up for Valentine’s and he insisted going for a meal which we did and we had a lovely evening, although my period started lol. He is still quiet during the week, I ask/suggest when we can meet and he replies quickly and we plan. What’s going on, I feel wanted but there are gaps in between, he does work in a senior NHS role btw

Men know if they see a woman as girlfriend material or not very, very soon. Definitely after all the time you've spent together.

My last fwb did want me to "upgrade" I didn't think we were compatible though.

(oddly enough I did feel emotions still, all those sex vibes and cuddles.

Enjoyable but a bit of a headfuck and not something I'd do often, maybe once over few years).

I wouldn't try to subtly test the boundaries and do pseudo-dates. He might agree to be polite but it won't change his view of you.

I'd ask him directly, or say I had feelings.

Anything other than a super-enthusiastic "Yes!" or "I'm so glad, me too. Hello girlfriend!" and I'd disappear.

So, I have a lot of experience with FWB, hook up and casual sex. The fact that he takes you to dinner doesn't mean he has feelings for you. He does enjoy your company and probably didn't have anything else to do for valentine's day. Same with the spooning. Meant ppl think that casual sex is just wham bam thank you ma'am, but in fact it's not uncommon for casual sex to include tenderness as well.
My advice is to tell him directly how you feel and be prepared to walk away if he's not ready to change the relationship.

But you're not spending time together outside his house.

OP, you deserve someone who wants the whole you. Someone who makes plans to go to the theatre, for Sunday afternoon walks and lunch, all that good stuff. You deserve someone who appreciates your personality and who wants to talk to you. I don't care how tender the lovemaking is, if it's all sex and not even any dates, then he is not the guy for you. You say it's all great, but it's hurting you already. It's NOT great.

You're better off by yourself.

This ….. before you get hurt

Have you told him that? It's not fair to continue knowing he wants more, if you don't tell him that you don't.

@Anotherdayanothernight

Have you decided how you feel? Would you like it to progress into being a proper relationship? Or are you happy with how it is?

6 months in it really is time to pee or get off the pot!