A relationship without a label

[Doubtfuldaphne]

ok so.. Single for nearly two years. One teen dc. Liked a man for nearly a year and finally we met. Chemistry off the charts. Messaging every day, meeting up once a week. Incredible sex. He gives me a pet name, acts like a boyfriend, we talk about how rare it is to find such a connection, holding hands, kissing in public, everything I love! I catch feelings. I’m pretty sure he has too. Then comes the ‘this can’t be a relationship because of my circumstances and past hurt. Don’t want to hurt you, don’t want to let you down’ I’m gutted. Going around in my head constantly what I should do. Maybe I don’t really want the heaviness of a full on relationship either but want some security. He agrees to us being ‘exclusive’ so I leave it at that and we carry on. But now I have these really down moments between seeing him because I know deep down this has really hurt me. He’s definitely a fearful avoidant. He does rely on me for emotional support aswell as sex. I feel him putting the label of relationship out there just scares him. Because he acts so lovely when we are together. He genuinely does have circumstances that make it hard for more and I get that (he’s NOT married I know this for a fact as we have many mutual friends)
The big question is, do I just enjoy this for what it is? I love the excitement of getting ready to see him and the fun we have. Maybe it’ll become something, maybe it won’t, but he is just so incredible I’d feel stupid to cut this short when I could be enjoying my time with him. Or do I think of future hurt and stop it now before it gets any deeper? I’m not young after all.

I read this and thought he sounds pathetic, frankly.
No, you don't have to 'just enjoy it for what it is'. If you'd rather say it's a real relationship but he won't that would be a red flag for me.
I'd rather have a fully fledged adult as a partner than an avoident man-child.

Keep him as a fuck buddy if he's actually enjoyable company, and enjoy your own peaceful house and financial independence.
Date other men, don't fall into the trap of analysing men or doing therapy-speak to explain their choices (fearful avoidant)

'Liked a man for nearly a year and finally we met'. How long have you actually been seeing each other? Once a week for three weeks isn't that much, once a week for 6 months slightly different.

What 'circumstances and past hurt'?

We knew of each other but yes have not spent that much time together really just very intense. I think it’s possibly a bit longer than that thinking back

Meet up once a week for sex! Dont be available for a couple of weeks and see if he cares.

This is the decision I’m trying to make. Have fun and keep my life as it is and enjoy the moment but still feel down about it in between or just end it which would also make me pretty down

Forget the labels. If he doesn't offer a future you want then time to drop him as your " feels" will only get worse. He wants the girlfriend experience without the responsibility.
You say you message everyday? Does he tell you what he is doing expecting the same back from you? He is placing himself into your everyday life to keep you hooked. He won't change his mind while you turn yourself inside out to be the best gf ever. He will say " I told you". Detach now.

It's not what you want, so say "no thanks". reclaim some power in this instead of feeling rejected and powerless.

He sounds childish. And like he doesn’t want a partner as such but wants something to do once or twice a week and regular sex so is keeping you dangling.

You’re his Miss Right For Now - not his Miss Right.

It’s up to you if you’re content with that. Perfectly fine to be friends with benefits but it comes across like you’re going to end up hurt.

Personally I couldn’t be doing with a grown man saying “this can’t be a relationship because of my circumstances and past hurt” crap. I have more self esteem than that. He wants it all on his terms.

Don't feel down, he's a man, there are actual billions of others, and happiness comes from within.
Don't text him every day, just text to arrange sex meet ups, texting is for people worth allowing access to your time, life, and headspace. This man doesn't want that.
Go on dates with other men, cultivate hobbies and things you love to do.

definitely a fearful avoidant. He does rely on me for emotional support aswell as sex. I feel him putting the label of relationship out there just scares him. Because he acts so lovely when we are together. He genuinely does have circumstances that make it hard for more and I get that.

He doesn’t need more though, does he? This suits him perfectly he gets sex, emotional support all without the label of a relationship. This also leaves him free to explore other connections which allow him to reap those same benefits. That’s what men like this do.

Im sure he is lovely why wouldn’t he be when he has his ideal set up? But you clearly aren’t happy with it, so how does it serve you?

He sounds either immature or slightly controlling or he just wants to shag around. Where's your "Maybe it'll become something" coming from? Because he seems to be making it clear that it won't. If you can handle just being fuck buddies without getting emotionally entangled then carry on if it remains enjoyable but don't give any more emotionally than you get back.

What do you want this relationship to include that it does not currently include?

Do you want to see him more? Cohabitation? Etc.

If it's simply that he won't label it a relationship - What's in a name?

But if what he actually gives, isn't what you want, then sack it off.....

It’s confusing because it feels like we are a couple and it is agreed it’s ‘exclusive’ - but I get what you’re all saying. It’s still not a relationship. I wouldn’t ask for more time or effort as the balance is just how I like it but I suppose with that label comes expectations for him and it feels like pressure
I keep thinking ‘maybe a couple more times’ as he really is extremely gorgeous and there is still that part of me that has other ‘needs’ of course!

I agree with this a lot
It currently has everything I want. I don’t want more. The balance is perfect. So you’re right, what’s in a name anyway?

Get rid, you know he can’t commit and you’re understandably hurt. Tell him honestly why you’re letting him go.

If it was just about meeting your needs, and being happy with the time balance etc why would having it labelled as a relationship change that?

If he doesn’t want a relationship he’s unlikely to change his mind.

I know I'm old school (50's) but all this twaddle about being "afraid" (seriously 🙄) to 'label' a relationship is, to me, just a fancy way if saying 'I like you well enough and enjoy a regular shag but I also want to put it about a bit if I get the chance and you can't throw a strop because I told you as much in advance,'

My ex and I have got back together (essentially) but neither of us want to call it a relationship again, as it fell apart so badly last time we tried that.

But we meet frequently, text all the time, the sex is great, loads of emotional support.

It really doesn't matter to me what we cal it.

You’re meeting his needs so why should he ever offer you more? If this doesn’t work for you, leave before you get really emotionally attached and are heartbroken when he acts exactly like he said he would.
When people show you who they are, believe them. He’s not capable of a relationship.

I agree, I think I’m going with this. I think because technically we are still single (which is odd because we are exclusive) whereas I’d like that label as some sort of security just so i could openly say ‘I’m with …..’ and not feel like it was some kind of secret. Having said that he is fine with public displays of affection so 🤷‍♀️

Just shag him then boot him out then!

None of the cuddly stuff - that’s your problem. See him as a walking penis.

" He’s definitely a fearful avoidant"

Yep, that sort of psychobabble has suited a whole lot of men for centuries. How very convenient for them.

Very similar! I think this is the same kind of thing. We have both had very traumatic past relationships so understandably wary