A relationship without a label

[Doubtfuldaphne]

ok so.. Single for nearly two years. One teen dc. Liked a man for nearly a year and finally we met. Chemistry off the charts. Messaging every day, meeting up once a week. Incredible sex. He gives me a pet name, acts like a boyfriend, we talk about how rare it is to find such a connection, holding hands, kissing in public, everything I love! I catch feelings. I’m pretty sure he has too. Then comes the ‘this can’t be a relationship because of my circumstances and past hurt. Don’t want to hurt you, don’t want to let you down’ I’m gutted. Going around in my head constantly what I should do. Maybe I don’t really want the heaviness of a full on relationship either but want some security. He agrees to us being ‘exclusive’ so I leave it at that and we carry on. But now I have these really down moments between seeing him because I know deep down this has really hurt me. He’s definitely a fearful avoidant. He does rely on me for emotional support aswell as sex. I feel him putting the label of relationship out there just scares him. Because he acts so lovely when we are together. He genuinely does have circumstances that make it hard for more and I get that (he’s NOT married I know this for a fact as we have many mutual friends)
The big question is, do I just enjoy this for what it is? I love the excitement of getting ready to see him and the fun we have. Maybe it’ll become something, maybe it won’t, but he is just so incredible I’d feel stupid to cut this short when I could be enjoying my time with him. Or do I think of future hurt and stop it now before it gets any deeper? I’m not young after all.

I had a relationship like this with someone for a few years. We've now been happily married for over a decade. So it doesn't necessarily have to end in tears, as long as you can relax and let things unfold naturally. Different if you want kids (we didn't), of course.

If it's truly just "so I can say I'm with [blah]", then you can.

"I'm seeing/sleeping with [blah], we're exclusive" - that is factually accurate.

And if he would object to that, then it would appear that he does want to keep you a secret, at which point I would want to know why.

I fear you're going to fall deeply in love while he leads you a merry dance until he meets someone he does want a relationship with, after which he dumps you, citing that you knew what you were signing up to and that he never promised a thing.

If he had the strength of feeling that you are hoping he does, nothing would stop him from being in a relationship.

That’s lovely! I mean it could happen couldn’t it! I would feel silly not giving it a try - just to see what happens and let fate do its thing good or bad.

You say there is great chemistry, the sex is great, you find him to be "gorgeous"and you have already developed feelings for him.

I think you are kidding yourself that you can be satisfied with what he is offering. Chances are you are going to develop deeper feelings the longer this goes on and may well end up getting your heart bruised if not broken.

So it’s a relationship in everything but name. Why? Is he keeping his options open while keeping you in reserve?

why would you give yourself to a man who doesn’t respect you enough to make it official? Is he afraid you might think he likes you?

Well our mutual friends are aware and that’s from him telling them so I can’t be that much of a secret. You’re right I could just say I’m seeing someone - it’s still factually correct. The more I think about this the more I think let’s just go for it and see what happens. Just keep my life full outside of this and not overthink too much.

Couldn’t agree more!

Why doesn’t he want to commit to you OP? How insulting - good enough to shag and have some company with but won’t commit to anything more. Stop kidding yourself and psychoanalysing this waste of space and find someone that’s worthy of you.

Don't get too invested. You’re making up the love story in your head, because he’s specifically told you doesn’t want a relationship. Someone committed and as interested as you are wouldn’t say that. Keep your guard up a little, don’t spend too much time messaging and keep your options open - if he doesn’t want a relationship then it isn’t exclusive. Don’t be anyone’s fool.

How long has this been going on for? If it's a few weeks / months I think this is fine. I'm all for taking it slowly at the beginning and seeing where you end up. If it's been more like 6-12 months then I'd start expecting a bit more. Over a year then this wouldn't work for me.

Yes very early days still. I think I’ll maybe give it a few months at least.

Jesus.
He’s just another run of the mill man who is keeping his options open. He doesn’t want to commit, and so he’s telling you a pretty story that will keep you hooked. Everyone has issues and life disappointments- no need for a ‘fearful avoidant’ label. There’s nothing special about his lack of commitment

This!

OP my advice would be to not carry on. You like him and want a relationship. He doesn’t want a relationship so the dynamic will forever be in his favour. Bin him off now and find a man who wants the same thing rather than the benefits without the responsibility. This one is a waste of time.

Oh no. This kind of man is very much a type especially in the 40s and 50s. Online dating sites are full of them.

I have met a couple when I first started online dating. Great chemistry, said all the right things to start. But I had experience years ago with an avoidant so recognised the pattern quickly.

You've been quick to label him as a ‘fearful avoidant’ but I’m interested to know what you deem your attachment style to be?

Oh god!!!! I remember thinking this myself 😬

Can we have an answer here? How long have you been having sex with him?

this can’t be a relationship because of my circumstances and past hurt. Don’t want to hurt you, don’t want to let you down

OP - you are over-pathologising him and his behaviour, with this mention of 'fearful avoidant' (which is not a science btw)!! And I agree with the other poster calling it 'psychobabble'. I think it's mainly women who use these terms to try and describe and cope with shitty male partners. Caring, deeply invested women so often talk about men like this because deep down they want to believe that their man is ill or traumatised and therefore can be cured somehow, because that's easier or more palatable than considering something else.

I would urge you to consider that the reason why he's hesitant like this, is because despite how lovely he behaves or how much you have in common, you are not 'The One', for him. You are Ms Lovely-to-be-around-for-now, but not 'The One'.

Lots of men seem to want to have the girlfriend experience - the cuddliness, the emotional support, but on their terms, on their timeline. This just sounds like that to me, but he's not going to spell that out for you.

I say just go with the flow. But at the back of your mind just be cautious not to get the feels too much as he could be the type to put an abrupt stop to it. That said, it could develop in time into a fully blown relationship and more. Proceed with caution I say.

If you are feeling down while seeing someone then surely that's all the info you need. I've had two avoidants back to back and fuck me if I ever fall for that bullshit again. Nobody needs a relationship which feels like holding a life grenade. His past trauma didn't just appear in the last month. He knew all along he didn't want to commit but thought he will manipulate you into "feelings" so he gets all the benefits of a partner without any responsibilities.

I am dating a grown up man right now who does what he says, knows what he wants and it's bloody marvelous!

If you could enjoy it for what it was and didn’t have any emotion involved that would be fine, but clearly the situation is bothering you and if you are looking for more, focusing on him will mean you might miss someone else that comes your way. I’ve just discovered a podcast called Dating Intentionally which may be of help to you x

Is the emotional support reciprocated or is it all one sided? He needs to have some therapy and sort his shit out

I think the terrible truth is, he has smashed it from the start, for some reason. And that is what you are not able to escape in your quiet moments. You are convincing yourself that this is OK and saying, what's in a name? But if a man loves you, he is not afraid of being with you. If he is, there is something amiss, either on how he feels about you or in his functionality as an adult. What's he gong to do, treat you like a girlfriend while you're not allowed to call yourself that, and then go all funny when someone he REALLY likes comes along?

He's pissed me off for what he's done to what sounds like a really lovely possibility between you two.

Learning - don't get so hung up at the start, as not all of them get off the ground.

There’s no way this will make you happy as it’s already making you unhappy. He’s making you feel anxious because it’s all on his terms.

Quite what you are doing “liking someone for a year” before you meet God only knows. Started with a red flag and will only get worse. You will be hurt and you know this. You think he will change - suddenly overcome with the amazingness of your connection. He won’t.

You are looking for permission here to continue doing something that doesn’t fully meet your needs.

If you want more from this man you need to back off now. Then you will have your answer one way or another. Either he will realise he does like you and throw himself into the relationship more, or he will fuck off with someone else, which will hurt but good riddance.

At the moment you are hanging around waiting for crumbs and it's not good for you. Move on. Just say "I like you and yoh don't seem as bothered about me so I'm backing off".

Tell him bye!