Hugging my mum

[BorryMum]

Something happened recently that really bothered me and I can't get it out of my mind. I'm in my 50's and a mum myself. I am not a huggy person but I particularly don't like any physical contact with my Mum. It's been like this since I was a teenager.

My Dad worked abroad when I was a child and never lived with us full time so I didn't really feel the same about him and he isn't that huggy either.

He has been really ill this year and I thought I would like to get a photo of him with me as I don't have many. After it was taken I felt that I should take one with Mum so that she didn't feel left out. She literally clamped both her arms around me, my arms were trapped and I couldn't move! The photo was taken and when I looked at it I had pulled such an awkward face. I had to delete it later as it made me feel so uncomfortable looking at it. I still feel horrible thinking about it now!

She has always had issues with boundaries and been a very emotional person and I have never coped well with it. The problem is that I feel so guilty, I know she wants to be close but I just can't do it. I try really hard to just suck it up and accept it but it pushes me further away. I feel like such a horrible person.

Why do I feel like this and how do
I deal with it?

Hi OP, what you say about emotions and boundaries made me wonder if you have heard of the book 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' as there may be things in there you recognise, as what you say resonates with me and I have a thread running on this with others who also have emotionally immature parents. I too recoil from my parents touch, as it feels like it is for their benefit and because they feel I must want their comfort, as opposed to me wanting it as I've simply never been given comfort from them in a way that actually comforts me.

I have seen some info about emotionally immature parents and it certainly resonates with me @thundertoast I will have a look at the book you suggested. It always feels like I do things to make her feel better rather than the other way around

I’m also on the Emotionally Immature Parents thread and can empathise with what you’ve said, OP. There’s a photo of my mum kissing me at my and DH’s wedding and I can’t bear to look at it. It’s taken from behind me and she’s grabbing my arm and her lips are in an OTT sort of pout. I absolutely hate it. I also can’t bear her sitting close to me or even looking at me (her glare was meant to make us shrink into submission when were were younger/even as adults). Can totally identify with what you’ve said here.

It's good to hear from people who 'get' it. I haven't told anyone in real life as I think they will say what a horrible person I am for feeling that way about my mum

Who is emotionally immature? Recoiling from your mothers hug is more demonstrative of emotional immaturity in you than her.

@rainandshine38 I have considered that as well hence posting for advice and insights

I was the same with my mum. I really struggled to have any physical contact with her. She was a complex woman and my childhood was difficult.

When she got older, despite having little interest in my or her grandchildren, she would get over-sentimental and go on about how much she loved us, and it honestly made me nauseous. Whenever she told be she loved me at the end of my visits to her care home in her later years, I couldn't say it back. I expect to be vilified for that.

But you're not alone.

Thanks @saraclara it's all just difficult to understand isn't it? I go around in my head, is it me, is it her and I never get anywhere. I get very emotional gushy posts on social
media from her too which I can't stand. I do feel a bit like I have got stuck at some point and can't get past it. With my kids I am more of a fix it person so I know some of it is me and my emotional
capacity (or lack of it). It's all so suffocating. Thinking back to childhood it was always all or nothing. All smiles and hugs and overly happy or really really angry and lots of shouting.

It sounds likely that your mum crossed your boundaries about hugs and physical contact as a young child, and in this situation you found some of those feelings/memories surfaced again?

I have a little sympathy with your mum in that I have one dd who doesn’t like hugs and I find it very hard, but I do respect it. ( for the most part I should say, the odd time an involuntary hug bursts out of me, which could have been the case in this moment?) Fortunately for me she has started to hug me sometimes, I think because I have generally been able to respect her boundary despite not liking it myself, and it’s on her terms. For her I think the whole thing was tied in with her feeling pushed out by her younger sister and feeling that the little one monopolised all the hugs and affection. But children can’t really verbalise things like that and feelings can get squashed down.

Thinking back to childhood it was always all or nothing. All smiles and hugs and overly happy or really really angry and lots of shouting.

Yes. My mum's mood were mercurial, and she would sometimes go for days refusing to speak to us, and we would never know what we'd done to cause it. And other times she'd be soppily sentimental.

I think a psychologist would only take ten seconds to diagnose why I had issues with hugging her or listening to how much she loved me. So while I feel bad to a degree, I wouldn't say that I feel guilty.

@GKG1it must be hard and that is why I feel guilty. It's good that you respect her boundaries though and your relationship with her will be better for it. I don't feel my boundaries have ever been respected which has damaged our relationship and pushed me further away. You sound like a lovely mum

I understand personal boundaries but a mum hugging their DD is not normally seen as crossing boundaries. @OP, you stiffened and this goes back to when you were a teenager. You clearly have unresolved issues with your DM/Parents and that's what needs to be explored further..

Wow this has reminded me of lots of things I had forgotten all about. We always knew what we had done wrong but the moods were explosive. Often threatened with being sent away and her moods were always someone else's fault. Then the next day picnics and fun and never discussed again

My parents gave me zero affection or comfort as a child. Luckily I had my grandma and aunts who took interest in me and who I could hug. It's weird now when my mum tries to be loving, wants a hug or anything, and my dad I literally never touch. I just don't need that from them and it's a bit annoying how my mum tries to act like this is how she's always been and I'm the weird one.

Aw that is kind of you to say but I make many mistakes like we all do. I try though, and what you are saying is that your mum didn’t try in this respect. So I think you should examine your guilt. It will also belong in childhood, with your mum blaming you for her mood by the sounds of it. How she feels (or anyone) is not your responsibility. Telling myself as much as you! I certainly didn’t mean my comment to add to your guilty feelings - I would imagine your mum knows she was explosive and had trouble controlling her emotions, wants to make up for it but can’t take responsibility so it will be very hard for her to make up for it meaningfully. Would it be worth trying to talk about it do you think, or is she not capable?

I have to have a very good relationship with someone to want to hug them, and it certainly is not the case with my mother, I too feel guilty but it is not our fault I think. I have a potentially life limiting condition and has been warned that the next two years are going to be crucial for me. The idea of having my mum behaving in the uncontained and self-centred way she does in the room when I’m dying is really got to me, honestly, I don’t want her there upsetting me and also doing this to my child.

@GKG1I have tried to address issues with her once. I think she is scared to tell the truth as she doubled down on a very obvious lie (something I know didn't happen as I saw it face to face). It took a lot of courage to do and didn't get anywhere but I felt better as i let go of trying to right the wrongs if you see what I mean

@Driftingawaynow gosh that is a lot to carry, so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Is there anyone close you can confide in that could act as a protector for you when you need it?

thank you and yes it’s a horrible position to be in. I am starting to think about a death plan, rather like a birth plan and I will communicate what I want to her, my nurses, and the people I want to be with me, it’s hard to do it for myself, but I need to protect my child should this time come. It’s so shit isn’t it, so many people are rubbish parents. Try not to take on the blame for it, it takes a lot to make a child distance themselves like this from a parent and it isn’t the child’s fault ime.

It’s a great book. Well it’s enlightening, not great when you realise that between both parents you’ve a full house of all the types she describes!

I sympathise op, I didn’t give my mum a hug when she left a meal at the weekend and I feel bad. Well I actually struggle to make eye contact with her sometimes. But feelings aren’t facts luckily!

Rghto. I’m not sure this is the thread for you. So whatever someone does to us we owe them physical contact?

I get it. My mum was not physically demonstrative, although she did like to kiss me (on the lips, bleurgh - I stopped that as soon as I was old enough). In her very late life, I’d sometimes wash her hair for her, and even that level of contact made me feel really uncomfortable. It’s really odd to look back on now I’m a mum of adults.

Sounds like you found her fake and are angry with her (understandably) so perhaps that's why you don't want a hug with her? have you considered some counselling to process what you went through.

@paddleboardingmumyes and yes!! I'm realising there is a lot more to unpack than I originally thought

My thoughts too.