Hugging my mum

[BorryMum]

Something happened recently that really bothered me and I can't get it out of my mind. I'm in my 50's and a mum myself. I am not a huggy person but I particularly don't like any physical contact with my Mum. It's been like this since I was a teenager.

My Dad worked abroad when I was a child and never lived with us full time so I didn't really feel the same about him and he isn't that huggy either.

He has been really ill this year and I thought I would like to get a photo of him with me as I don't have many. After it was taken I felt that I should take one with Mum so that she didn't feel left out. She literally clamped both her arms around me, my arms were trapped and I couldn't move! The photo was taken and when I looked at it I had pulled such an awkward face. I had to delete it later as it made me feel so uncomfortable looking at it. I still feel horrible thinking about it now!

She has always had issues with boundaries and been a very emotional person and I have never coped well with it. The problem is that I feel so guilty, I know she wants to be close but I just can't do it. I try really hard to just suck it up and accept it but it pushes me further away. I feel like such a horrible person.

Why do I feel like this and how do
I deal with it?

God I feel seen! I physically recoil from my mum. She’s very performative in her affection (only in front of other people). It makes me feel like an awful awful person as she’s so good in other ways. But I never really got affection as a child so perhaps that’s where it stems from 🤔

Well that's it then. You were either smothered or rejected. No middle ground. No wonder you feel uncomfortable, it is an act of self-preservation and you can't help it. Your body is instinctively flinching away from her.

I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother growing up. She was alcoholic. I also have autism and ADHD. whilst I tolerate physical touch from my kids and husband. It is a hard no from my mum. And brother. A solid, hard no.

Ill forever be labelled the angry daughter because now im a mother myself, id never treat my kids how she treated me. I needed nurturing, support and understanding. The thought if any kind of affection from her makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I hear you.

My mum was never was a huggy person but became one when I was in my fifties. I had never been a huggy person either & it freaked me out when she suddenly started flinging her arms round me at that late stage of our relationship. I still don't like the hugging culture, it does creep me out but have learned to relax a bit. Don't feel guilty, you're not alone (not just you & me - I know more than a few people who feel the same)

It really isn't.

Recoiling from the hug of someone who abused you as a child is totally understandable in my view.

This really resonates with me. My mum
was very negative with me growing up, telling me to ‘get a grip’ or ‘dry up’ if I was crying/upset. I was the typical middle child and just kept my head down-worked hard at school, always eager to please. It got me nowhere with her though so I struggle now when she’s nice to me or tries to show me affection.

Now THAT is bullshit.
Full stop.

This!

That's how it was for me. In fact - and this will make you feel better OP - in her later years we'd had an argument (one of many) and she tried to hug me and I involuntarily shouted 'Get away from me!' and ran away from her! It was just an automatic reaction which I don't blame myself for because she was a difficult woman. It was in public though which wasn't great. Ours was a typical toxic family although I got away relatively lightly as the baby of the family.

Yes I'm the same. I was the black sheep of my family and was criticised a lot. While I have made peace with the past, I don't feel like there is any actual bond there and I see her more because I should rather than because I feel like I want to. I'm not really a huggy person generally so if I hug someone I'm only really comfortable if I feel like I have a bond with them.

OP, my mum was very 'smacky' and didn't do hugs/cuddles when we were young. Now, that I'm older with young kids (whom I cuddle as much as possible), my mum tries to cuddle me a lot, and I honestly have to use every ounce of my willpower not to recoil from her. I literally hate her touch, which is sad, because she's a lovely woman (despite being too handy when we were children). I'm so glad you posted this, because I thought I was alone in this. (Not good for you though, sorry, I don't have any real advice as to how you can change this moving forward).

I don’t think anyone is “emotionally insecure” in this situation. I actually really resonate with @BorryMum. I am not a huggy person and endure other people’s hugs. I suspect my mother would like to hug me more often but knows I am not comfortable with it and never have been. What is incredibly rude is when a hugger inflicts hugs on a non-hugger without warning knowing that the non-hugger really dislikes it. One of my grandmothers kissed us at every opportunity. I loved her dearly but hated the kissing. However, times were very different and I endured it without complaint. It’s probably a good thing that she didn’t look too closely at my facial expression.

My mother was always either throwing tantrums and smacking me, or smothering me with unwanted affection when I was a child.

I couldn’t and still can’t bear physical closeness with her. I couldn’t wash her hair for example. It’s just as well she has carers!

Unlike the mothers of some of the posters on this thread who are respected and adored, my mother was a nasty piece of work.

I recommend reading or listening to the audiobook 'Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers' by Stephanie Kriesberg to see if any of it resonates with you.
I have recently listened to it and found it really clarified so many of my confusions.

Omg your post has brought so many emotions in me. I feel so awkward when my mum hugs me or kisses me (I’m 40+). I feel so guilty for it as she’s a lovely person even though I often find her irritating. She was the one that “disciplined” us. I have no issue hugging my dad. I was wondering why I can’t naturally just give her hugs or say I love you, they always come from her. It feels weird when she says that and I feel weird saying it back even though of course I love her. I just don’t get it!

I've never voiced this before but reading back all your comments has really opened my eyes to how I feel and why I feel it. To all of those who 'hear me' thank you, it means a lot

I can’t stand mine touching me. She only touched us to hit us as dc, then wanted affection in her old age.

If there's one thing I've learned over the years, OP, it's that physical touch is powerful and if a particular person's touch makes you uncomfortable or even recoil, there's a reason. It might be that you're not consciously aware of it, but it'll be there and it will almost certainly be valid.

It can be that you just dont much like anyone touching you, in which case it's simply your nature. Nothing wrong with it, it's just you. If you react strongly to one person in particular, then it has to do with the dynamics between you.

Touch is so very powerful and if she never respected your boundaries then your body itself will eventually react to protect you. I think you need to trust yourself more.

As for the ridiculously aggressive comment of one poster, Ive been here many years now. Dont forget that there are some people who post on Mumsnet to deliberately be contrary or even put the boot in to hurt posters who are concerned about something. Not everyone means well. It's worth looking at the tone and intent behind a post before giving it any credence.

The only people who are absolutely entitled to appropriate touch and cuddles from us are babies; and even then the baby's signals have to be respected. No one else should be able to force contact on us.

Tell me you know nothing about the impact of parents who only see their children as a prop and an extension of themselves…

God, before I went NC with my mum I would feel physically repulsed hugging her. I would say "I love you" but it was just words, it meant nothing. It's sad, I really wish I had a good relationship with her. Unfortunately, mine knows exactly what issues I have with her and she tells me I mis remember everything and I'm wrong, I'm the bad person etc. I begged her to just listen so many times before I cut her off. You're not alone op

I feel exactly the same with my mother. I’ve never heard anyone else talk about it so I’ve never told a soul. I’m going to google emotionally immature parents. Thank you for sharing x

There was a recent thread about providing personal care for your parents and it blew my mind. So many people seen to have 0 physical boundaries with their parents. I can't even look my mother in the eye. The thought of having to touch her naked body is horrific. And I get on well with my mum! I'm sure there's a reason for this buried deep in childhood, but as I don't have kids myself I don't feel motivated to find out!

When I was 11 and on holiday I was left alone in the apartment parents in the bar and just before midnight a bloke broke into the apartment and I woke up to him at the bottom of the bed. I initially thought it was my mum drunk. He got into bed with me and sexually assaulted me.

same evening well early hours next day when I was giving my statement to the police my mum tried to hug me, which I get is natural , I didn’t want anyone to touch me given what had just happened ( also natural) so I stiffened. She was furious Don’t start that she told me.

So no it’s not always the child’s fault or unnatural to recoil.

My mother never hugged us, but she did once the year before she died, as I was getting in the car. I think her inhibitions must have gone, because her brain had started to, by that time. I was rigid with discomfort. I know how you feel.