Hugging my mum

[BorryMum]

Something happened recently that really bothered me and I can't get it out of my mind. I'm in my 50's and a mum myself. I am not a huggy person but I particularly don't like any physical contact with my Mum. It's been like this since I was a teenager.

My Dad worked abroad when I was a child and never lived with us full time so I didn't really feel the same about him and he isn't that huggy either.

He has been really ill this year and I thought I would like to get a photo of him with me as I don't have many. After it was taken I felt that I should take one with Mum so that she didn't feel left out. She literally clamped both her arms around me, my arms were trapped and I couldn't move! The photo was taken and when I looked at it I had pulled such an awkward face. I had to delete it later as it made me feel so uncomfortable looking at it. I still feel horrible thinking about it now!

She has always had issues with boundaries and been a very emotional person and I have never coped well with it. The problem is that I feel so guilty, I know she wants to be close but I just can't do it. I try really hard to just suck it up and accept it but it pushes me further away. I feel like such a horrible person.

Why do I feel like this and how do
I deal with it?

Wow and you say your mother is emotionally immature!

@Lyraloo come on over to the other thread if you want more context to this.

A few highlights though - as a child, my mum was either giving me the silent treatment or full-on rage and throwing things.

She massively overstepped my boundaries as a teenager, including in a sexual way, parading in front of us naked and saying ‘don’t worry, you can look’.

She made us have the bathroom door wedged open even when we were in our teens.

She would tell me my boyfriend (as a teen) would ‘find someone else and forget all about’ me, that the phone ringing was to say my dad had died in a car accident, that she would give me and my sibling away to Barnardo’s as small children.

She broke the news of my granny having cancer by walking into the room, dropping shopping bags on the floor and just stating ‘granny’s got cancer’ - no comfort, explanation etc.

If you read all of this (and these are just snippets off the top of my head of the last 30+ years) and think I’m still the one in the wrong for not wanting her physical contact, then I’m not sure how else to explain it to you.

If you have a kind and loving mum who you feel physically comfortable and at ease with, you’re very lucky. It’s not the case for everyone.

Do you know what emotionally immature means? These replies are bizarre , and ironically very emotionally immature ie not being able to understand someone else’s point of view.

Gosh, that puts things in a completely different perspective. I’m so sorry you had a mother like that. That must have been so difficult. 😞

Exactly, but that includes ‘everyone’s’ point of view, not just some people’s!

Hi @BorryMumwhat you’re describing sounds very much like what’s often called a ‘mother wound’. The strong aversion to physical affection from your mother is not usually about touch itself but about what touch came to represent emotionally for you. 2026 might be the year to start working through your mother wound, either with a therapist or via reflective journaling?

If journaling feels more accessible than talking about it, a couple of prompts can help you get started:

When my mother tried to show affection, what emotions came up for me (then and now), and what did I need instead at those moments?

What did closeness with my mother feel like in my body and how is that different from closeness with other people?

I’m also curious, only if you’re open to answering, what is your own mothering or caregiving style like? Do you notice it echoing how you were parented, or does it feel intentionally very different?

If you want to read more on the concept of mother wound some psychological frameworks that some people find illuminating would be:
Attachment theory (how early bonds shape comfort with closeness
Object relations theory
Green’s concept of the “Dead Mother” (this is about emotional absence or withdrawal rather than literal loss)
Winnicotts ideas on the “good enough mother” and early emotional attunement

The end result of this private ‘work’ to understand your feelings about your mum is not about blame more about understanding how early dynamics can quietly shape our nervous system and boundaries around intimacy. Awareness alone can be a powerful first step in forgiving her or at very least finding some inner peace around the things you describe in your post. All the best.

My mum was a difficult woman when I was growing up, quite emotionally abusive and sometimes physical. I don’t recall much physical affection once I stopped being a cute little kid.
Now she is a 90 year old woman and has mellowed somewhat she has started saying “love you” at the end of a phone call, I can’t say it back as it just feels weird after all these years. She may be a nicer person now but I can’t forget how crap it was back then.

@Mysteisethank you for all your advice. Regarding what I felt like as a child, I really can't remember. Lots of it is a total blank. I remember very random things but not full memories. I know I always wanted to get away when I grew up and I strongly remember hiding all of my feelings but I don't know why I did it. Just writing about it and hearing from others has opened up some memories and understanding. I will seriously consider counselling.

With my own kids, when they were little there were hugs when ever they wanted. They are young adults now and I try hard not to be like my mum. I offer a hug if they want one, ask permission to share their information, ask if they want help or advice before I give it. They are all different and I try to help them in the way they want and need it. Obviously I get it wrong sometimes but I always take accountability, it's really important to me

Is it physical contact eg hugs in general that make you uncomfortable? Or just with her? That seems to be important here.

A little of both I think. I wouldn't say I'm the sort of person to hug everyone I meet but I like to hug those that are close to me. In certain circumstances I really
dont like hugs, especially if I am upset. She is the only person I really can't bear to hug. I find it intensely uncomfortable and then afterwards I feel very irritated

thinking about it, a quick hug from people now and again is fine for me. I loved all the hugs and kisses from the kids when they were little but I don't really miss them now they are bigger.

Then if youre okay with hugs from other people but get this very powerful reaction to her hugs, it's about her and your relationship.

If you spent all your childhood wanting to get away then I'll bet you've got to the core of it right there. There'll be a lot around the core though.

"but I like to hug those that are close to me" hmmm

Hi OP - this is two days old and as much as I agree that it should not be forced,

I have never had any emotional connection with my mother - I was chucked at boarding school and lived alone since GCSEs .
She went through a battle with cancer through Covid and she died, I have had two kids since. One thing I look back on is the lack of me hugging this woman and I do not have a single picture of us together, It bothers me each birthday, each christmas that has come by ever since.

Just my two sense and I hope you still love her regardless, maybe you need to sit down and discuss how you feel about this boundary as it seems she is close but you do not like to specifically hug her

I do worry about how I will feel when she is no longer with us @deardebbut I don't feel able to change the way I feel now.

we definitely don't have the sort of relationship where I could sit down and discuss it. Also it would cause her a lot of pain and I don't want to do that, I just keep trying to hide my feelings towards her instead

No advice but I get it, I really love my mum but she’s been very difficult / neglectful as a child and as an adult now when she hugs me I physically feel like recoiling.

I think it’s subconscious that has been brought to the surface from counselling but remains unresolved

I wonder how many are there men posting on this thread. Do some have the same issues with mothers?