Fair arrangement - new partner and financials

[pancakesallday]

Hello. My partner and I are planning to live together in the future. I have kids with my ex husband who live with me full time. His kids are adults.

He would let his (mortgaged) property and move into my house. He has suggested he pays all household bills (this possibly wouldn’t include groceries, I think we should share this cost). I bought the house outright and don’t have a mortgage.

Would you say this sounds fair?

I don’t want to add too many details but please ask any relevant questions.

Surely he needs to pay rent; what grown adult doesn’t pay rent/mortgage to be housed 🤷‍♀️

That said, I’d prefer to live separately. Why the need to move in together?

Your best and fairest option if you are both committed is for him to get a mortgage to buy half of your house from you, you can put the proceeds into your pension over time. On top of that he should pay half of all bills and groceries.

If he doesn’t like that idea suggest that you and your kids move into his house and you rent yours out and just pay half of the bills and possibly groceries) see his reaction… That will tell you a lot. Basically he’s planning on leaching off you.

The most sensible thing though is for you both to rent your houses out and move into a 3rd house together and split all costs/bills/groceries 50:50

I’m not sure how he is a leech if paying bills for three children that are not his!

OP would be paying towards groceries and then personal spends for herself and children.

It sounds like this helps him financially, his mortgage is getting paid off and the bills for his house will be paid by his tenant. He still has somewhere to live and his only outgoing will be the bills at yours & his share of the food bill, so he is financially better off as are you, by this arrangement.

As well as considering the finances have a serious chat about the household chores. Is he tidy? Is he expecting you to do his cooking/ washing? Does he imagine that in a 2 adult household that you will to continue to do all the shopping, meal planning, cleaning and household chores at your place?

You may find that he thinks he's not only getting a place to live but is expecting to off load a significant amount of life admin and have a maid and cleaner thrown in for that price! Also is he prepared for what life with 3 kids is like, what will be his role in their lives?

I'd think very carefully before moving a man in!

He’s not paying any rent at all?!!! Or food money?! He should be paying rent as you don’t just live somewhere for free just because there isn’t a mortgage on it!

I would personally set up a legal contract stating he is living there but only as a lodger and paying say £600 a month plus bills and food per month as him living there will cause extra wear and tear on the house and also what happens if he breaks something or something needs repairing? You need some money to have in a back up account for repairs etc. he has use of and access to most of the house so he needs to pay towards that and the fact he hasn’t offered to pay rent means YES frankly he is taking the piss!!! He’s earning nearly 3 times the amount as op is and op has 3 children and herself and the house to pay for!!!

So he’s paying all bills, towards food and £600 rent! I don’t think he’s the cock lodger! The OP would have all bills paid, pays less for food for her and her three children and pockets £600. Wow!

Will your Council Tax increase by 25% with a second adult in the household? This needs to be considered.

I wouldn’t ask for rent but I would seek legal advice to make sure he can’t make a claim on it should the relationship end

What about 50% of the rent he's getting plus the bills he's saving on his place. That way you're sharing the profit from combining. But more importantly as others have said, are you moving in together because you love each other and are your children happy about it?

And potentially a much better deal for him as he is also now ‘mortgage free’ if that’s now being covered by the renters.

I expect him paying half your bills (and now none of his own previous bills) and no mortgage - he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

Why do your 3 young children need this person living in their home? How long since their family broke down / what were the circumstances and how is their relationship with their DF?

But the OP says he’d be paying all of the bills (for five people) not half of them (except, maybe, groceries).

In my view, the fairest way of doing this is to charge him 50% of the cost of renting a bedroom in your house (as if he was a lodger). This is because he will share your bedroom with you so should only pay half. This way, there will be no arguments about how many people’s bills he covers, kids spending too long in the shower etc. This arrangement would put you both in a better financial position than if you lived separately. He should not benefit from you not having a mortgage, that was paid off because of your hard work (or other circs).

I have done this with 3 ex bf - in one instance it was me living in his house- I paid the equivalent of renting a room (we both shared 2 rooms, slept in one, kept clothes in the other). We both bought food. He bought more food as I spent more time cleaning.

With the other 2 bf, they lived in my house and paid me rent. I’ve always had a lodger as I couldn’t pay my mortgage otherwise, so when my exes moved in the lodgers moved out and my exes paid me the same amount of rent. Rent was transferred into my account and called ‘rent’, so no issues with them having any claims on my property. All worked well, I’m in good terms wirh my exes and one still lives wirh me :).

Edited to say that another calculation, in my case, could have been to ask my exes to pay 50% of the rental cost of my house (as it’s always been just 2 of us living in the house). But I didn’t think this would be fair, as this was not a house we chose to rent together as a couple. My mortgage is irelevant, they shouldn’t benefit from me having a low mortgage or have to pay too much because my mortgage is too high. Also to say that my Exes earned significantly more than me and paying ‘rent’ for a room cost them less than their previous rent, whether they were living on their own, or sharing with other people.

Please get a legal agreement in place. It’s not romantic but I’m in such a shit position because I own my house, hate my partner but he has nowhere to go and hasn’t saved any money in case we split. You need to know exactly what is equal and exactly what will happen if you split! For example, is he keeping the rental income from his property? If so, then it’s only fair he pays more towards bills at your house as he’s gone from having to pay a mortgage to living somewhere mortgage / rent free. If something breaks in your house will he contribute to repairs and renovations? If he does, then he may have a claim on some of the equity in your home (this was advice I was given 3 years ago by a solicitor) although it’s on them to prove they contributed. Your finances will quickly become enmeshed and it makes splitting really difficult. He needs to make sure he is in a position to leave your house within a reasonable time frame if you split. If this leaves him financially better off will he be saving some of that money as as emergency fund to rent somewhere if you split? (Mine hasn’t - in a decade!) he won’t be able to go back into his house immediately I’m sure. You think someone will be reasonable in event of splitting but they aren’t always. I could never have imagined ending up in the position I am in.

I agree he should cover all household bills.

Just day for example, he’s paying £1K a month mortgage right now, but his rental income covers his mortgage payment, he’s £1K up a month at your good will.

I don’t think he should be profiting (regardless of whether he’s making over and above on his rental income, it’s still a profit based on his current outgoings) from you being mortgage free, whilst also banking 2.5x more than you per month.

Also, be hyper vigilant as to how he reacts when your children do certain things. It can be really sly how they change. Mine was fine with my son until he became more like a man. We then had comments about how expensive the food he was eating is, what time he made himself food, he didn’t like him working out in the house etc. Basically he wanted to be the man of the house and didn’t like another male that looked like a man there. It didn’t matter that I had bought the food, it still bothered him. There was a lot more but it wasn’t all at once and I had already got children with him before he started this behaviour which obviously made it so much harder to deal with. I have not solved this problem yet and it’s been years!

I agree. OP might end up a little better off than she was previously but he also will end up better off than he was previously. And she’s opening up her home to him and let’s face it, most likely making his
life much more comfortable.

£600 per month in rent?! You’re having a laugh. He’s not a lodger. A lodger would be paying for their own private room. Presumably he will be sharing with OP!

I would say that half the bills plus a contribution towards house maintenance (say £100 per month) is fair.

Thanks everyone. As expected there’s a very wide range of opinions.

I’ll answer your questions here…

The DC all love him. We have done things slowly. He wouldn’t move in for a while yet, we have just been thinking out loud. The DC don’t see their dad. I don’t get CM. I’m self employed and I sometimes get a small UC top up. It depends how my work goes. Yes if a second adult moves in I’d lose the 25% council tax discount.

We are committed and will be looking to live as a family. It won’t be cramped - the DC all have their own rooms. I’ll have to declutter my wardrobe - no big deal. There’s plenty of storage, a garage, a double drive.

From my perspective, I’d lose the small amount of benefits I currently get but I’d have all my bills paid. He’ll help buy food, we might set up a household account and pay in proportionately? He has been very good around the house. He doesn’t leech, he cooks a lot, he shares the chores, he’s very hands on with the DC. He is making our life a lot nicer - keep in mind I was a single parent to 3 young DC for years, with no coparent and no CM, the eldest DC is only just 9. We’ve spent time with his adult DC and it’s so lovely to feel part of a family again.

I don’t think I could charge him rent. I think the amount my bills come to is roughly what his current mortgage is, so he wouldn’t be better off month on month (although I appreciate he would increase his capital, I get it).

The idea is by living together we can all save money?

We can’t move into his, it’s not big enough and not local enough. The kids have had enough to deal with, this is home now. I’m only going to do it if he continue to enhance our lives in the next year or so.

This is excellent advice .

It sounds like you're doing things very sensibly by taking your time and really thinking it through before he moves in. I think setting up a joint account that you both pay into proportionally is the fairest way and keeps things very transparent. A couple of things to discuss with your partner would be what happens when you get unexpected household expenses (from the relatively simple need for a new washing machine to bigger jobs like roof repairs), and also what is the plan for his property long term (inheritance for his children or an asset he's likely to sell at some point)?
Good luck, I hope it works out really well for you all!

If you have no mortgage to pay then there is only bills and food cost plus general maintenance. You should pay all the general maintenance costs. Let him pay all bills and share food costs. He will gain financially by letting out his house so only fair he pays bills on your house. Put money aside for when your DC go to uni.

H contributes £800/month towards our household, plus bits of shopping as and when. From his income, and my bills (my house, no mortgage) this seems fair at the moment - if he gets a better paid job, he will contribute more.

He’s tight !!
what would rental on your house be?
start with that
add on bills then divide by five.
then add a third of the food if your kids are small it a fifth if full grown.
no sentiment , just true costs. Please don’t subsidise someone with a much larger income.you will resent it and are robbing your kids. Both should benefit and you may lose single adult council tax!