It’s over isn’t it

[Ghlp]

So exactly a year ago I met someone. We are both old and have grown up children and our own houses. We see each other twice a week. Never on a Saturday night as that is a hobby night for him with friends. Never said I love you. He is happy with this. I’m not

This relationship is not going to meet your needs as he sees it as very part time.

Time to move on I think.

Lesson learnt I live my life and he can fit in or not

I’m confused why you ditched your hobby on a Friday for him? Glad you have reinstated that btw. Doesn’t sound like this one is going anywhere. I’d go for a clean break unless what you want is FWB and nothing more - otherwise you’ll just end up hanging on for him and feeling let down?

I was hoping if I compromised it would mean things improved

Good grief no. It sounds like you are serving a function here, not participating in his life. He's not going to make space for you.

Can I suggest when you are answering someone you use the quote button so that the person you are referring to knows that you are .

This.

My take (and I've had experiences with these kinds of situationshits) is that they will happily just plod along at their own pace.

You were upset with these scraps of attention, so you said to him you're going to have less scraps... and yes, he's surprised, but he's probably okay with that. Men are often not as relationship oriented as women. This part time lover vibe will likely suit him just fine.

In a few months you'll be stewing even more, feeling less appreciated, and when you explode and end it, he's going to think you're some nutter because you never actually asked for what you wanted.

I still maintain that the best way to build a functional relationship is to talk about these things and to address them. To ask for what you want and see if the person is prepared to meet you. It's a negotiation.

To me, it feels as as if you've shot yourself in the foot.

You want to see more of him, right? Instead of saying this, you've played some game where you hope he'll step up?

Don't fancy the odds of that. That's just my 5p.

@MagpiesRest

To ask for what you want and see if the person is prepared to meet you. It's a negotiation.

Is that a negotiation or a demand?

( a demand is fine too )

When you said old, I was thinking late 60s upwards.

You've said what you want, he's not willing to change his Saturday hobby. It's not a right or wrong thing but as it doesn't work for you...then I guess it's a no go.

Totally agree. He probably just sees you as someone to have sex with so as long as he gets that, it won’t matter to him what nights that is on. He will probably be happy that Fridays are now off the table. Don’t be surprised when he starts going out on that night too.

Your needs are not being met and only you can change that.

Kindly, where is the compromise? I see movement from only one direction here - yours! I’m sorry you are dealing with this, but you are worth more than he is showing you x

Well... A negotiation where you state your desires.

So, OP would say, "I'd like a relationship where we have holidays together and spend more of the weekend together." This seems to be the OP's desire.

If they say, "Well, I'm locked in with plans on the weekends and I don't want to spend holidays with you..." Then OP decides whether they're happy to continue in this kind of relationship.

The partner might actually agree to spend every second or third weekend with OP and take one holiday a year with her, or do some weekends away instead... So it's a case of simply finding a middle ground where you both are trying to meet each other's needs in some way.

I don't think it's a demand, I think it's saying this is the kind of relationship I would like - this would make me feel safe and seen.

Where can we find the middle ground between how you see things and what works for you and how I see things and what works for me?

the message I’m getting from all these posts is say what I want if things don’t change accept it or walk away

If you are hoping it will progess to a true 'partnership' then yes, I think you are wasting your time. He has someone to date and keep him company but isn't looking for more (or more with you).
Pushing him into 'more' with an ultimatum isn't the same as him genuinely wanting or offering it.

Its up to you if what he is offering now is enough or if you want to put this one back and start the search again.

You want different things. He is happy with you slotting in when it is convenient for him, you want to see more of him and more of a commitment.

He isn't going to change after a year you are not happy, probably best to just split amicably.

I'd say it's a bit more nuanced than this. I would suggest you open a conversation around what he is looking for in a relationship.

You can frame it in that there are certain things that you would like to see if he's open to discussing. That at this stage, you are feeling that the relationship should be progressing.

If he's not open to negotiating at all, you have your answer. This isn't someone you can build the kind of relationship you seem to be looking for, with.

If he's open to chatting, see if you can find a middle ground.

Sometimes people need a nudge. At this age, 50s, people have been through quite a lot of relationship disappointment and confusion. They might be a bit jaded or even scared.

But, an honest chat is generally a good idea. You say you love the guy, so advocate for yourself and see if he's actually capable of showing up in a mature way.

Sounds like he just wants a FWB arrangement not a relationship.

He doesn’t want what you want and is leaving you on the hook.

Find your dignity and end it.There will be someone out there more suitable for you.

i dont get why it’s so obvious that you want him to move closer if you walk away. If you’re giving the message that youre happier without seeing him on Fridays, and he is too, or neutral, then he won’t realise you want him to spend more time with you because what you have actually suggested here is spending less.

it’s stupid imo to put all your eggs in one basket. You love him, presumably you have a good time together, you have your Friday hobby and other friends- why would you actively want to shoot yourself in the door by wrapping all your free time and happiness in one person?

He's not into you enough to want to move your seeing each other to any other level than casual. He slots you into his life and that's it. His holidays are for others, not you.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's seeing other women.

You want a committed relationship. He wants a Friday night fuck.

You're incompatible together. You want very, very different things from a relationship.

Either accept a casual situationship with no future or be done and find someone who wants the same type of relationship you.

It's a really good move that you've restarted your Friday hobby.

Would taking sex away be a start I wonder

It's probably the only thing keeping him around.

You are wasting your time.

Good

but isn’t that exactly what he’s doing

Yes it is

A start at what?

That's what he's coming around for. If you want a committed relationship, this is not your dude.

It seems to me, you have an energy and enthusiasm that’s entirely wasted on him.

Good grief you are only fifty, which is only five years later than I began the love of my life.

I was always told that I wanted too much, and “real life isn’t like that”, but I felt “they” were wrong.

They very much were wrong, I’m now in my seventies, and we are still together, in love, and just as enthusiastic about each other, if not, more.

Only you know yourself as well as you do.

If you’re happy to dumb yourself down to keep the man you describe happy, then so be it.

i have a feeling tho, that although it’s not enough, you think that you might one day turn his thinking around, and then all will be well.

i can’t possibly say that won’t happen, but how many years are you gonna sit on the back bench waiting to be chosen, when there could be a guy out there who actually wants to give you the connection you feel happy with.

If I were your best mate, and I was going thru what you described, how would you advise me?

I say again, FIFTY is NOT old !!!!
Youve served your apprenticeship, now reap the benefits of being a free and sensual woman.

Gee whizz, I’d soon be single than wait for my so called boyfriend/man friend to have time love energy and enthusiasm for me.