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Original poster

It’s over isn’t it

105 replies

Ghlp · 10/01/2026 20:24

So exactly a year ago I met someone. We are both old and have grown up children and our own houses. We see each other twice a week. Never on a Saturday night as that is a hobby night for him with friends. Never said I love you. He is happy with this. I’m not

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghlp · 10/01/2026 20:53

TwistedWonder · 10/01/2026 20:52

You want different things. He wants a relationship that fits into his established lifestyle and you want it to be more.

Neither of you are wrong, you’re just not on same page.

I agree and it’s not changing so time to move on

OP posts:
OneNewEagle · 10/01/2026 20:55

I’m in my 50s, we are not old. If I wasn’t with my OH I’d be quite happy seeing someone a couple of times a week. I’d probably also accidentally slip up on my OH as we’ve been together 25 years so it’s a habit, he’s not intentionally being mean. It’s also good he sees friends and has a routine as break ups are so hard so it’s great he’s been able to rebuild his life with a hobby and friends. He should not give that up under any circumstances as they are his support network.

Why not get in a routine that on Sundays you go out for a roast dinner or a day out together whatever you are into. So you see each other at the weekend then maybe one evening during the week for a meal telly etc at each others homes and how about popping out for a drink coffee cinema whatever you both enjoy Friday night? Then you’ve got Saturday free for whatever else you like to do.

I don’t do any of this with my OH he does his hobby stuff without me so yes we live together but don’t spend decent time together ever. I’ve also got friends who have long term partners they’ve never lived with, one been together 12 years now. They see each other one night a week and every other weekend so he can do his hobby the other.

Ilovelurchers · 10/01/2026 20:55

If I loved someone, I wouldn't end it because they saw their friends once a week.

Are you able to articulate why this feels like a deal-breaker to you?

Do you have friends who you also see? If not, perhaps there is a mismatch of levels of sociability. But that doesn't necessarily need to be a death knell.

To be honest, and I don't mean this unkindly, but is there not a way in which YOUR behaviour could be seen as the red flag here? Objecting to him having regular time with his friends?

My mom and now deceased dad were together 50 years. Until he was in his 90s he went out every Friday night and Sunday lunch with mates. He nonetheless was devoted to my mom.

As for "I love you" - have you asked him if he does? Some people just don't say it. My fella and I have not used these words to each other since we got back together a few months ago, but I 100% know that I love him, and would bet the flat on him loving me too. It's too obvious, too deep. It doesn't need saying.

OneNewEagle · 10/01/2026 21:00

Ilovelurchers · 10/01/2026 20:55

If I loved someone, I wouldn't end it because they saw their friends once a week.

Are you able to articulate why this feels like a deal-breaker to you?

Do you have friends who you also see? If not, perhaps there is a mismatch of levels of sociability. But that doesn't necessarily need to be a death knell.

To be honest, and I don't mean this unkindly, but is there not a way in which YOUR behaviour could be seen as the red flag here? Objecting to him having regular time with his friends?

My mom and now deceased dad were together 50 years. Until he was in his 90s he went out every Friday night and Sunday lunch with mates. He nonetheless was devoted to my mom.

As for "I love you" - have you asked him if he does? Some people just don't say it. My fella and I have not used these words to each other since we got back together a few months ago, but I 100% know that I love him, and would bet the flat on him loving me too. It's too obvious, too deep. It doesn't need saying.

I’d agree. Seeing friends is healthy and good he’s had some people to get him through a divorce. I’d not give up my time with my friends and hobby in his position either and I’d definitely not expect anyone to ask me to.

Original poster
Ghlp · 10/01/2026 21:01

I am not controlling but I have given up my Friday hobby to fit in with his life. I have friends. He also does a hobby on Sunday and then pub with mates Sunday night. I just thought things would progress but they arent

OP posts:
Bythecooker · 10/01/2026 21:02

Do you go on holidays together as well as him having ones with friends? I am a similar age to you, see my dp twice a week but also holidays. We are in love and committed just have other stuff to do too. But we are both happy with this, that is the difference I guess, if you're not then resentment will kick in.

Original poster
Ghlp · 10/01/2026 21:03

its the lack of discussion about holidays and no nothing planned

OP posts:
helplessbanana · 10/01/2026 21:07

He doesn't see himself as one half of a couple, does he? And that is unlikely to change whilst he's enjoying his life just the way it is.

Original poster
Ghlp · 10/01/2026 21:10

No he doesn’t does he.

OP posts:
HappyTalkingAndLaughing · 10/01/2026 21:12

Ghlp · 10/01/2026 21:01

I am not controlling but I have given up my Friday hobby to fit in with his life. I have friends. He also does a hobby on Sunday and then pub with mates Sunday night. I just thought things would progress but they arent

That's a drip feed.

So actually... he is out all weekend with other people.

I wouldn't have given up my Hobby. Can't you see each other during the week instead?

MeTooOverHere · 10/01/2026 21:19

Ghlp · 10/01/2026 20:28

I have said this isn’t working for me. No offer to give up Saturday night. No offer other than we can maybe do a Saturday afternoon. So I either except it as it is or move on

You sound like you are 'convenient' for him. When and as he chooses.
I would politely make other arrangements for those days/times.

Original poster
Ghlp · 10/01/2026 21:22

I think you are right, time to be busy if we never see each other do be it

OP posts:
Sanasaaa · 10/01/2026 21:57

If someone really felt the need to have a boyfriend, this seems the best way- fun dates and not having him in your property.
The happiest section of society are childfree, single women, by a huge margin (there's been studies a a load of newspaper articles about it)

Never give up a hobby or anything else just to be in a mans company. This part of your life is for enjoying peace and freedom.
If dating him doesn't serve you, just dump him.

Original poster
Ghlp · 10/01/2026 22:00

Thank you. I think you have all been very helpful. Hobby is back on a Friday and let’s see what happens

OP posts:
Userxyd · 10/01/2026 22:05

Are you sure it’s his hobby and friends on a Saturday? Could be someone else?
Have you met his friends?

PashaMinaMio · 10/01/2026 22:34

You have submerged your life to accommodate him. “Bachelor with benefits!”
Hes not that into you! The holiday non discussion is very sad for you too.
Chuck him back and rock on asap.

Life’s too short.

MagpiesRest · 10/01/2026 23:05

Maybe he's on the autism spectrum? Routines he's not wanting to be flexible around... And, his emotional bandwidth sounds different from yours.

Have a chat with him. Tell him you love him, I think you might regret it if you don't come clean there...?. And tell him that you're looking for someone to build a life with, not just someone to spend time with. See if he's prepared to negotiate. Ask him what his relationship vision is.

And then, either you accept what he can offer, or move on.

I realise it's not easy. Hope it goes OK.

Endofyear · 10/01/2026 23:10

OP you're not old! I'm in my 50s and don't think of myself as old at all! There's plenty of life ahead of you. If this relationship isn't working for you, end it and move on - don't waste your time with someone who doesn't prioritise spending time with you! Now your kids are grown up, start planning some adventures of your own - travel, new hobbies, new friends - the possibilities are endless! Make your life what you want it to be and have some fun!

Original poster
Ghlp · 10/01/2026 23:23

Yes you are right. I will tell him tomorrow that I’m busy and not going to bend to him.

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 11/01/2026 00:18

I had a boyfriend like this once - everything was on his terms. He referred to ‘we’ meaning him and his mates - it was so embarrassing! I was the third wheel in his relationship with his mates ! He was also in his 50s. I’m afraid they don’t get any better and he won’t change .
Move on and either be on your own or with a guy who actually wants to love you !

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/01/2026 00:27

' Never said I love you.'

Sadly it's very possible he doesn't love you / isn't in love with you.

He seems very happy with the relationship the way it is - a couple of evenings a week etc and not planning holidays with you.

It sounds like you want / need more than this, so you need to look for someone else as it is possible the situation may not change with him

patooties · 11/01/2026 00:32

Why is Saturday so important? If you’re not living together and not entwined can you not have Friday or Sunday or indeed any other day together?
appreciate the ‘not saying he loves you’ might be a problem but if it’s a hobby he’s had for years why would he drop it at your insistence?
I would be making plans with friends for Saturdays.

brightbevs · 11/01/2026 00:39

Why are you so bothered about Saturdays in particular? Does he need to give up his hobby to prove you’re important to him? And why would he need to discuss holidays with you before booking? It’s not as though you pool financial resources or have shared, young children. It sounds like you’re expecting him to treat you like his wife rather than his girlfriend of a year.

SergeantWrinkles · 11/01/2026 00:42

So ditch him and go and live your life on your terms!

ZoggyStirdust · 11/01/2026 00:54

Well done to him for not giving up his friends and his hobby for a new partner