Dating a dad of 2: What are the "hidden" red flags to look for?

[Bestfriendneedshelp]

Hi everyone, looking for some lived-in wisdom for a dear friend.
She’s at the very start of a relationship with a man who has two young children. She’s head over heels, but I’m a bit more cautious. I want to help her look for signs that he is a genuinely good man and an equal partner, rather than someone looking for a "replacement mum" or a domestic helper.
I’ve thought about suggesting she ask things like:
How he and his ex handled the baby stage/night feeds?
How the cooking and cleaning was divided in his previous home?
What are the "green flags" she should look for in a man with kids? Conversely, what are the subtle red flags that suggest he’ll expect her to do the heavy lifting?
I’m looking for the perspective of women who have been in the trenches of blended families. What questions should she be asking (without it feeling like an interrogation) to see if he's actually a "good'un"?

Has she actually asked for your help?

I think you would be better off suggesting she doesn't take on any responsibility for his children

Is this concern coming from you or from her?

I mean, it sounds rather as if the 'red flag' is simply that this man already has children, which, if it's coming from your friend, perhaps suggests she shouldn't date parents? Surely, if she's at the early stages of dating, she won't even meet his two young children for a year or more?

I’m not sure you can ask those sort of questions without come over as something of a red flag yourself. Back off.

Have you seen anything that gives you cause for concern? If so mention that to her.

If not, stop interfering and let your friend fall in love.

She has asked for my help. After giving that. I suggested she come here and ask for herself. She didnt feel comfortable in doing that. So I offered. To ask. And she agreed.

That was for the first question. If by asking this question. You all feel it is not my place to ask i will delete the question if that is possible.

As I posted in the original question. They have been seeing each other for 4 months and he wants her to move in soon

As I posted in the original question. They have been seeing each other for 4 months and he wants her to move in soon

She asks nothing, just takes dating very slowly and observes.

Well that's the first obvious massive red flag, isn't it.

Inviting a partner to move in after 4 month when you have children, shows that he's not a good parent.

He's probably just looking for childcare and a house skivvy.

And you're asking for people to suggest red flags, rather than point out to her that this makes it clear he's a walking red flag?

At four months, I'm still deciding if I want another date and whether I fully approve of his taste in music.

Well that’s a massive no and a huge red flag. You cannot have some random woman move in with you and your kids. He’s a bad father and will be a bad partner. No other questions needed.

No one falls in love faster than a person who has a motive.
Her moving in after 4 months would, I expect, be very convenient for him.

If they have only been seeing each other for 4 months and he wants her to move in I would say that's a huge red flag.
I would want to check how he pays maintenence and if it is being taken from his salary or if they reached an informal agreement.
Again, if she has already met the kids after only 4 months it would be a red flag.
How many days and nights does he have the kids.
How does he talk about their mum? Any sign of any sort of "mental mum" language and she should run for the hills because that is how he will frame their relationship when they break up.
If he doesn't accept at least some responsibility for the break up then he is emotionally stunted and probably not worth the effort.

That's the red flag. No way he should be moving a woman in to his home with children after 4 months.

Im sorry I dont know what mental mum language is

As in she’s crazy - the way many men seem to refer to their exes who got sick of their shit!

Wanting to live together so soon is a red flag for anyone, let alone a man with children.

He's willing to expose his children to a stranger - I probably know more about my postman than he knows about her. This is not a good father - a good father would put his children first.

Well the fact that he wants her to move in after 4 months of dating is a massive red flag in itself 🫠

I’d be wanting to know how often does he see his children? Is that contact a mutual arrangement between parents or a court-ordered child arrangement order? Does he pay child maintenance? Again, is that a mutual arrangement between parents or via CSA? How does he speak to/about the mother of his children? Do they have a civil relationship where they effectively coparent or is that relationship strained?

All of the above give a ton of insight into the kind of man he is and where his priorities lie.

Yes that's absolutely a red flag! It is anyway, but also shows no regard for his kids. He's looking for a nanny with a fanny.

What is her current housing situation. What would she be giving up to move home. How old are the children. How long does he have them. Has she been to his home. Is it clean and tidy and does he do the housework.. How long has he been separated. Has he agreed a time scale with his wife for introducing new partners. How does he speak about his wife. Is their split amicable.

Apart from it being too soon, we cannot possiblyjudge or advise with so little information.

This is the red flag. 🚩
It's not remotely hidden.

Less than a year into into dating he not only wanted to introduce her to his kids (which in and of itself is a red flag). He wants to move her in.

He's basically a stranger at this point and she is certainly a stranger to those small children.

No decent dad would do this.
No intelligent woman would agree to it.

It means does he slag off his ex?

Does he have the children living with him full time?

As a mother whose ex moved in with a new partner within weeks of splitting up two marriages and immediately started their own, I would counsel your friend to wait much longer before even considering moving in with any partner let alone one with children.

My ex’s “new” children (ie conceived within weeks of leaving their marriages) are young adults now, and both have severe mental health problems. I cannot help but wonder if this is a result of being conceived and born into an environment highly charged with guilt, anxiety and uncertainty as well as two existing young children who were angry about the loss of their original families. No thought was given to putting the existing children first, the two adults put their own desires first and are now having to deal with the impact of their stubborn stupidity and mad dreams of a perfect “blended” family.

They would not listen to any outsider’s suggestion that they take things slowly for the sake of their existing children- they saw it as interfering. The only child (now an adult) that has come out of this OK is my son possibly because I stayed single, stable and there for him first and foremost. It still makes me angry that they were so selfish and unwilling to listen to anything but their own desires.

Four months is too soon even without children. Period.

Red Flags
a) badmouthing his children’s mum
b) badmouthing his children’s mum in front of his children
c) enmeshing his new gf in family life, so all or most dates are with his kids
d) suggesting his new gf move in within 1 year of beginning a relationship (ideally leave it 18months plus and much much longer if there are complications around childcare, animosity with the ex, not yet divorced etc)
e) trying to make gf into substitute mum
f) using his children as substitute partners/ parents (ie treating them as confidants or co-decision makers)
g) asking his gf to look after his kids
h) assuming his gf will look after his kids without asking, particularly while he goes off for his own leisure time or hobbies
i) having a shift pattern for work which makes childcare difficult for him, and so much easier if his gf helps
j) not putting in his own time and effort with his kids but offloading this to the gf
k) on one hand, always acquiescing to last minute changes from his ex and on the other refusing any flexibility in changing plans for reasonable requests
l) not setting aside proper chunks of annual leave to see his kids in school holidays and take them on holiday as a solo parent
m) assuming that his ex will take his kids if he can’t be bothered
n) having a difficult ex who makes life hard work / bad mouths him to the kids / changes arrangements all the time.
o) having had a series of new gfs who he’s introduced to the children
p) introducing his gf to his children really early in the relationship
q) allowing his gf to stay over at his house when the children are there really early in the relationship
r) not spending quality time with his kids but ignoring them, outsourcing entertainment to screens etc
s) not parenting his kids - being a Disney dad too scared to enforce standard decent behaviour and age appropriate rules

Is that enough?!

(edited for typos and additional points!)