Dating a dad of 2: What are the "hidden" red flags to look for?

[Bestfriendneedshelp]

Hi everyone, looking for some lived-in wisdom for a dear friend.
She’s at the very start of a relationship with a man who has two young children. She’s head over heels, but I’m a bit more cautious. I want to help her look for signs that he is a genuinely good man and an equal partner, rather than someone looking for a "replacement mum" or a domestic helper.
I’ve thought about suggesting she ask things like:
How he and his ex handled the baby stage/night feeds?
How the cooking and cleaning was divided in his previous home?
What are the "green flags" she should look for in a man with kids? Conversely, what are the subtle red flags that suggest he’ll expect her to do the heavy lifting?
I’m looking for the perspective of women who have been in the trenches of blended families. What questions should she be asking (without it feeling like an interrogation) to see if he's actually a "good'un"?

I think it’s a red flag that he wants her to move in after only 4 months. I wouldn’t bother with working out what questions to ask - actions are far more important. She needs time to observe what his relationship is like with his kids and how often he sees them. What his relationship is like with his ex and how does he speak about her (for example if he talks very negatively to me that would be a red flag). How does he keep his home - does he do domestic chores/cooking? Has she even met the kids yet? She needs to wait until she has built a relationship with them too as that could cause a problem if they don’t get on.

Thank you so much

Thank you so much

I meant if he said that his ex is mentally unhinged or bonkers as a way of explaining their break up. It's a common thing for knob men to do when they don't want to accept any responsibility for their own actions and demonstrates a total lack of maturity.

My biggest advice. Don’t even think of moving in before the two year mark. If that’s a deal breakdown him, then that’s all she needs to know

At four months in she shouldn’t have even met his DC yet.

At 6 months to a year, they could introduce her as “daddy’s friend”, but for the first year the majority of the dates should just be the two adults.

Him wanting her to move in after 4 months is a huge red flag. I would use this to test the “no” theory. I.e. men tend to show you who they really are when you say no to them.

If your friend says “I wouldn’t be prepared to move in until we’ve dated for at least two years.” will he move on to another woman? Try and guilt her into changing her mind? Put pressure on her to be more involved with his kids? Start asking her to babysit so he can do work/hobbies/socialise?

I fear this man is looking for free childcare and a housemaid, but only time will tell 🤷‍♀️

Red flag! Move someone in after 4 months....when did she meet the kids?!

I've seen some ridiculous questions but this takes the biscuit. Moving in after 4 months? She shouldn't even be meeting the kids until at least 6 months at an absolute minimum. My ex and I said a year when we discussed this. Your friend needs to run and not look back.

Imo, he IS a red flag.

These men usually desperately look for someone to take on the responsibility and drudgery of their life with dependants. These (any) men aren't really that difficult to read.
Is your friend much younger than this man?
They would start by being very nice, etc. (as most would do).
Ignore PP stating nobody asked you for advice and give it, anyway.

Never in my life would I think about "dating" a man with children, not at 25, not at 45. Child free myself as well.

When they go for 50/50 to avoid paying child maintenance, they need a nanny with a fanny, pronto.

You know, even without kids, I wouldn't move in with anyone after four months! Anyone can be on their best behaviour for four months...

Edited as had not read the full thread. Apologies.

Moving in after FOUR months is a red flag.

Doing so when there are children involved is insanity.

She needs to focus on her relationship with the man first before worrying about being a potential step mum.

The relationship is red flags galore on its own, never mind the kids.

Alternatively, if it is so angst-inducing that he has children, she should find a man who doesn’t. There are plenty of them.

He wants her to move in soon? After 4 months? That’s a glaring red flag! He either wants her to do all the mumwork or he is insane or possibly both.

My mum and dad are divorced and I was never introduced to any of their partners until a year in. My dad didn’t move my step mum in for ages which I’m greatful for as I think it made sure we had a good foundation for our relationship. I’m not divorced but if I was and DH moved a woman he’d known for four months in I would not be happy, and vice versa.

Moving in with someone after 4 months is insanity (even if no children were involved) and she shouldn't need anyone to tell her that.

Does she have or want kids herself? Is she fully on board with everything that being a stepmother and potentially blending families involves? Because that shit is tough and often unreasonable, and she should really think about every aspect of it.

If she doesn't hanker after being a stepmother then she shouldn't date any men with kids - it's that simple.

Basically, while having children is not a red flag in terms of the man's character, it IS a red flag for the relationship as a whole unless you are fully, and I mean fully, on board with everything that being a stepmother entails.

I'm child-free so this is a different perspective but I don't know what some women find so hard about not dating men with children. It's just too complex. There are many men without children out there.

Well that's a major red flag right there.

Casually ask what size shoes the DC wear, and see whether he umms and aahs, or whether he goes "It was junior 13 and adult 3 when I took them to get new school shoes in August".

Ask if he's had much problem booking them dental appointments what with the state of NHS dentistry.

Ask him if their last school sports days/ Christmas concerts were fun.

He wants her to move in after dating for 4 months? Huge red flag 🚩 why would she even consider this?

If they've been together for four months and he has even introduced her to his children, THAT is a huge red flag, let alone be talking about her moving in.

This is blatantly a case of a man looking to use a woman to be his free live in nanny, a decent dad would never bring a stranger into his kids safe space and would give it a good few years before even talking about living together.
As I said in your previous thread she needs to test him by saying 'I don't want to meet your DC for another year and I don't want to move in until the youngest is 14'. If she thinks this is too long she could say 'Ok, let's move in after 2 more years together, when your kids are staying I'll make sure I'm out of the house so you get quality time together'
His reaction will tell her everything.

Agree. Watch his behaviours rather than give him an interrogation - questions like that are way too much too soon,

So have you already posted a thread asking this because there’s one running at moment with a lot of responses

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5468986-worries-of-a-maybe-stepmum?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Yes that was my first question

That thread was full of great advice/opinions. Why did you start this one? No one is going to give a different answer.

As I posted in the original question. They have been seeing each other for 4 months and he wants her to move in soon (you didn't actually say that in the first post)

Can she not see that asking her to move in after 4 months is crazy for the children? How long had they been together when she met them, assuming she has met them?