Dating a dad of 2: What are the "hidden" red flags to look for?

[Bestfriendneedshelp]

Hi everyone, looking for some lived-in wisdom for a dear friend.
She’s at the very start of a relationship with a man who has two young children. She’s head over heels, but I’m a bit more cautious. I want to help her look for signs that he is a genuinely good man and an equal partner, rather than someone looking for a "replacement mum" or a domestic helper.
I’ve thought about suggesting she ask things like:
How he and his ex handled the baby stage/night feeds?
How the cooking and cleaning was divided in his previous home?
What are the "green flags" she should look for in a man with kids? Conversely, what are the subtle red flags that suggest he’ll expect her to do the heavy lifting?
I’m looking for the perspective of women who have been in the trenches of blended families. What questions should she be asking (without it feeling like an interrogation) to see if he's actually a "good'un"?

I wouldn't bother asking, they'd just lie anyway.
The redflag is there, 4 months in he is asking her to move in with his 2 kids. That is mental. He can't wait for his live in nanny/cleaner/chef with sex on tap. She shouldn't date single dads as a childfree woman.

The reason I added the second question. Is my friend is going to be hurt. The children will be hurt and I hate a man i have never met. The second reason I asked a follow up question after receiving so many peices of good advice is because she doesn't accept them. And there is nothing else I can do. If you know of anything I can do please tell me. As I said in the original question I expect this to cost my friendship. But I am willing to accept that to stop the pain of a friend and two innocent children.

@Bestfriendneedshelp can you stop messaging me please? I commented here at 00.11 last night/this morning and you messaged me your answer. I said just put it in the chat. So you copied it and posted it here (above). Then you messaged me again this morning and said ‘why’. Whatever you want to say to me, put it here on the thread. I’m not entering a private correspondence with you and I’m not explaining why.

You’re very overly invested in your friends private life. Starting one thread is more than enough, to start a second where you’ll get the same answers is too much.

if you’ve given her advice then it’s time to butt out and let her make her own mistakes. She’s an adult - being a friend means knowing when to step away and be there if/when it goes wrong.

Having read the other thread I still agree with everyone else that this man is a walking red flag.

If your friend can’t see that then it’s a big shame. Seen as you asked for little questions which might help then here you go:

Why does he want 50:50 care?
What is the income difference between him & ex and will it be equalised?
What’s his working pattern and how does it work for him to have sole care of the boys every other week?
Do the boys have a full set of uniform, clothes, toys etc at his house? Ie it’s their second home, not relying on a bag mum has to pack.
Does he plan and book their swimming lessons etc?
Does he know what shoe size they are ?
Does he know their teachers and how they’re getting on at school?
Does he host play dates for their friends?
Does he cook proper, wholesome food for them and eat as a family?
Does he use his annual leave to look after them?

Does he want more kids?

But most of all, WHY does he want her to move in? If he doesn’t do the things I outline, he’s not an equal parent already.

Why isn’t dating enough for him?

If you don't want to lose the friendship you could give her a toned down response and wait for her to start complaining in 3 months that she can't meet up with friends at the weekend as she has to stay in and look after the kids while he is out golfing/cycling for 6 hours.

Thats your red flag. The only one she needs.

They've only known eachother 4 months and he's asking her to move in. Even without kids that would be a red flag.

1. 12 months bare minimum (realistically more like 18months before moving in together). And even then, only if s/he can move out somewhere else quick if it doesn't work. And rented in one name only.
2. She probably should not even havd met his kids yet. Presumably she has if he's asking her to move in with them.
3. He probably wants a replacement mum hense the rush.

She should tell him no to moving in together. For at least another 2 years imo considering he has kids. She should also say no to the kids coming along on dates.

I mean realistically as long as she says no to moving in with him ("for a few years") and tells him he cannot have his kids when they are on dates, she can keep dating him and dogde the bullet of becoming second mummy.

So you don't have to tell her to stop dating him.

She just has to tell him the boundaries.
If he's decent, he'll respect them.