A mess. Advice needed: next steps

[Changes26]

I split up with my partner before Christmas after an incident where he came home drunk and was verbally abusive to me, woke our daughter up and she witnessed some of it too. I posted about it (https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5461730-handhold-needed-unhealthy-relationship-ended-a-week-before-christmas?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share)

After the incident he went down to London to stay at his mum’s. He booked a therapy session. He returned 4 days later having been diagnosed with ADHD and had started taking medication.

At first he was very apologetic and said he took responsibility and that the medication had changed him. He said he would work hard to change and didn’t want the relationship to end. I kept saying that wouldn’t be possible but he was on best behaviour. He continued to sleep downstairs and we had a ‘normal’ Christmas.

He has said he admits he has been verbally abusive and toxic in our relationship and these were because of his anger meltdowns because of his ADHD. He says he never meant to control me or hurt me, he had no control over it. I told him at the weekend there’s no chance we would get back together and we need to concentrate on making sure our daughter is ok and being the best co-parents we can be. He’s now started to slip back again and has now said he can’t accept my decision is the right one until I accept he didn’t do it on purpose and he wasn’t being controlling.

He has also sprung on me that he plans to move down to London with his mum until possibly May when the new renters agreement comes into place and that he’ll come up here (midlands city) Sunday - Wednesday to have our daughter at my house. He says the places to rent here are too expensive. He takes home £2100 a week and has about 40/50k in savings. He has said I can’t expect him to use his savings and it’s unfair. I own my house outright in my name but earn half what he does. I regrettably got so angry when he told me his plan (which wasn’t the agreed day/time we’d set aside to talk through the separation plan) and accused him of abandoning our daughter and it would upset her even more if not only does he move out but to another city. I said he just needs to budget and get by as that’s what I’ll be doing. He suggested that we do 50/50 so he doesn’t have to pay anything to me.

He keeps trying to tell me what his therapist says or why he’s been upstairs crying and I’ve told him no I don’t need to know anymore. I feel like he’s trying to get me to change my mind. Looking back on it, I can see he’s been highly manipulative at times but he won’t accept it. He says he’s worried I’m going to make co-parenting difficult.

He fainted last night and took himself to a&e, they’ve said they don’t think it was the ADHD medication but stress. He said that when he came to I had a look of contempt at him and I hate him and don’t care. To be honest, I thought he had just fallen and was being a bit over dramatic. It was in the bathroom whilst our daughter was in the bath so I was also trying to keep calm so she wouldn’t freak out. I was the one who suggested he call 111! Now he’s saying that this behaviour is abusive on my part.

My head is spinning and I’m stuck in this tiny house with him. I’ve told friends now and they’re being supportive but I don’t know if I’m just not seeing things properly.

Any advice - do I need to seek legal advice? Should we get a mediator for the parenting plan? Do I just agree to him going down to London for a while?

Stop listening to this man. Your dd will be better living with a happy you without this conflict. He is manipulating you so call his bluff and tell him to leave and that you can work on a co parenting arrangement. Honestly it will be so much better for your dd.

You don't need legal advice, you just need to stop discussing his plans with him. He wants to move to London? Let him. He won't have her overnight? Ok. He's angry with you? So what. You can't control his behaviour and you can't make him be a good dad. You need some boundaries.

He's manipulating you - it's not for you to facilitate his seeing his daughter. Of course he can do it outside your home.

And trying to make you admit that he can't help his abuse? Plenty of people have adhd and are not abusive. It sounds as though he's just trying to absolve himself of any responsibility. In any case, that doesn't matter to you - you just need to get him out of the house (let him fuck off to London if that's what he's threatening) and take legal advice.

He needs to fuck off OP.

A man who had properly taken responsibility for himself and his behaviour wouldn't be wanging on about his mental health and would be bending over backwards to respect your wishes and create a calm environment for your daughter.

The ADHD diagnosis is irrelevant to the situation. It may help him to understand his behaviour later on down the road, but it doesn't change that he's behaving like a man child shit head.

Do tell him from me that action matters more than words and I've diagnosed him as a grade A bellend for free.

Op he can rent an airbub or booking.com , Studio apartment property for 3 nights, still see dght for meal after school but drop her back to you early evening and he can pick up drop off at school on those days, you definitely do not leave your home ,

How can he manage Sunday to Wednesday with work,

He is your ex.

He is trying to get you out of your home so he can save money and inconvenience you and control your access to your own home. This is a horrible plan and putting you out of your home or sharing with an ex will not benefit your daughter at all, she'll just be massively confused and allows him a lot of control he should not have and you'd be very foolish to give it to him. You need to consult a lawyer if you're contemplating at all going along ng with this dumb time share idea.

He can fuck off wherever he wants and it will be up to him to plan how he's going to take his custody time, but it can't be in your home. If he can't afford a place after a move, tough. He is choosing to move.

His diagnosis has nothing to do with you. His ADHD is his to treat and deal with. Again, he is your ex.

Hey OP you know how he was controlling and abusive? He still is.

Get him out of your house ASAP. Change the locks when he’s out if you need to.

Once you’ve had some distance you’ll see how laughable he is.

It's your house. Tell him to leave by Sunday! Make sure he takes his possessions with him. Do not allow him back in your house.

OP, listen to what everyone is saying to you and stop being as wet as the Atlantic Ocean.
Is there any way that you can get therapy just for yourself?

@Changes26 its your house.

Why are you having to leave your home so that he can have a therapy session or work from home?

Tell him to pack up his things and leave. If he delays, change the locks or even call the police.

You are incredibly lucky to own your own home @Changes26 You are incredibly lucky that you are not married to this horrible abusive man. You are incredibly lucky that he wants to leave and live in London. Please take advantage of this fortunate situation to be free of him. Worry about contact for your daughter much further down the line. I was in an abusive marriage. I managed to divorce and buy my own home. I tried to facilitate contact for our child’s sake. My ExH used to visit our child in my house. This went on for years. It nearly destroyed me and was of no obvious benefit to my child that I could see. I still jump if someone knocks on the door decades later. Please don’t be me.

He has no right at all to be in your house, you're not together and he needs to leave. Once he's out you can sort out his visitation with your daughter but for now you need him out of your house. Tell him to go and mean it. He's a selfish, abusive, controlling man and it sounds very much like he's using your daughter to continue controlling you because that's all the leverage he has left.

@Changes26 he's a control freak and a liar. He pushed you too far so now he's come up with this rubbish about ADHD, being a new man because none of the abuse was his fault, it was his condition
No on gets diagnosed and medicated in four days especially around Christmas.
There's emotional blackmail galore but the heart of it is he wants to live free/on the cheap with his DM then do the same with your house. Staying at yours will also give him the chance to make sure you're not seeing anyone else and time to wear you down so you take him back.
I know you want him to see his dc but if he wants a relationship with her then he'll make the effort

My god woman, you’ve got two absolute gifts on golden platters many women in your situation would kill for:

1. He is leaving to stay with his Mum
2. The house is yours and yours alone.

Say whatever he needs to hear right now in terms of soothing his wounded man pride, but don’t promise or sign anything.

Concentrate everything on getting him GONE, and then change the locks on all your doors.

Once he is gone, pack his stuff and propose a reasonable contact schedule, ideally through a solicitor. Be clear that you will not block his relationship with his daughter, and that he can absolutely have her for the days every other weekend until such time as he can safely accommodate her overnight.

All that is his responsibility to arrange. Not yours. But my god you have some huge factors in your favour. USE THEM.

Don't let him use his diagnosis as a weapon against you.

Gosh, thank you for all the replies everyone.

I’m going to ask him to leave by Sunday. He’d already planned to be in London Thursday - Sunday next weekend anyway. Apparently he has a flat viewing here on Monday as he hasn’t completely ruled out staying here.

I know I need to do it. I just don’t want it to kick off. I also worry that he will tell our daughter I’m making him leave. Before he flipped the last few days, we agreed we’d tell our daughter that we had decided we needed to live apart now and we love her the same etc. I can’t control his narrative though, I can just concentrate on being the best mum I can be for my daughter and show her lots of love, care and safety. If he wants to do the same then he needs to show it.

I do think he got the diagnosis but I do wonder about the credentials of it all.

I’ll seek some legal advice. I’ve told my sibling now and I’m going to speak to my parents tomorrow. I’m also so lucky to have a supportive family and friends all close by.

I think you need to reconsider how you look at this. This man is the father of your daughter but no longer your partner. Therefore his situation and decisions are not your responsibility. I repeat, absolutely none of your business or responsibility. If you try to get involved in his choices for the sake of your daughter he will just use this to manipulate you to get what he wants (he is already doing this). He will see his daughter or not as he chooses. You cannot influence this. If he chooses not to see his daughter unless you rearrange your life to accommodate his wishes, that is his choice. I’d argue that if he is using his willingness to be a parent as a weapon to manipulate you with to make his life easier, your daughter is probably better off without his presence in her life in the longer term.
My recommendation would be to ask him to leave your home as soon as possible. I’d give him some leeway but after about two weeks I’d give him 2 weeks notice and then I would force him out. A month is more than reasonable in these circumstances. It’s not your problem where he goes, don’t make his living situation going forwards your issue. Don’t engage in it. The only conversation you should be willing to have is when and how often he would like to take care of his daughter going forwards (which will not be taking place in your home). If these facts mean he chooses not to see her, OK. His choice. Make sure to put in a CMS claim as soon as you can too.

Op this is good news, flat viewing,

Hopefully he will go quietly and not say anything negative to dd, if he does you can correct him after he has left, just try and stay calm for now, even nice, just get him out,

He will show his true colours when he visits dd, or not hopefully, but that's for another time op,
Right now you have your family for support,

Maybe Get courts to arrange the visiting rights, as you have to consider school holidays, this is to protect dd so she knows and if he let's her down that's on him not you op, no messing about with days or cancelling on last minute, hopefully he won't go down that rabbit hole,

So I’ve said he has to be out by the end of January (he’s away for work for a week so I think it’s doable). He’s acting as if yesterday was normal and he apologised for coming to talk to me repeatedly about it and then proceeded to drone on today.

I have started recording any conversations now but I have said that’s it, no more conversations about it. You’re going and that’s it.

Apparently it’s unfair that I think he’s been manipulating me all these years and that I hate him. I won’t consider his feelings and that’s manipulative. He won’t move to London now even though all his friends said it was a good idea. He’s said I am dictating everything and because I said I didn’t want to nest anymore and he couldn’t stay here, I was dictating where he could live. I’ve told him I can’t stop him doing anything and whatever he does now is his choice. I’ve said he’s got the money and it’s my house. He said that he could try and claim the money that he put into the garden and the boiler back.

Honestly, if it wasn’t so shit I could laugh at how pathetic he is. I’m sure I will be laughing soon when he’s out of my house.

Thank you for all the advice everyone. Another loser man to add to the ever growing pile.

This really did make me laugh, so thanks. Do you do certificates for that diagnosis?

Absolutely. But for such a poor man as this, burdened by the monstrous weight of a female partner with the audacity to ask for basic respect, there shall be no charge.

It will feature a border of tiny violins.

😂😂😂

And for what it's worth OP, in all seriousness, I do think you are doing the right thing.

I firmly believe most relationships are salvageable, and who knows, he might genuinely step up, take responsibility and you might reconcile down the line, but from what you've written in your most recent update it seems clear that for now he really does need to move out and you all need a break from this cycle.

If he couldn't control his abusive behaviour because of ADHD then he would have been abusive to everyone - family, friends, work colleagues etc.
I bet it was only towards you though

That’s what I said.

Apparently I’m his safe space and so he lashed out at me during his ADHD meltdowns. He’s talked about it with his therapist, who is a psychiatric nurse apparently.