I’ve just split up with my partner and we’ve decided not to tell our 6 year old until after Christmas. I’m not going to tell anyone else until after Christmas either so I’m going to do
a cathartic dump here.
It’s been a long time coming to be honest and I’ve almost left before but always clung onto the fact it could get better. We’ve always tended to argue but can always talk it out afterwards. My partner gets angry though and he can say unkind things to me and generally get pissed off about small things. We’ve had a rubbish time of it with our daughter having medical issues for 3.5 years now and it was a really rough time about 2 years ago; her condition was tricky and we spent most of the time fighting for help for her. We had couples counselling last January and things had been ok - ups and downs.
Until two nights ago when he went out with a work colleague as planned. He never replied to my message at 4.30 and said he’d be back for 9ish so I messaged at 10.15 saying I was going to bed and no response. I started to get a bit worried and sent another message 20 minutes later asking if he was ok. Still no reply. I carried on sorting everything out downstairs before going to bed when he came in. I realised I’d left our daughter’s door open ajar and went over to tell him to be quiet as I’d left her door open. He then closed the door so loudly. I asked if he was ok (he’d had some shit news about a promotion at work that day) and I asked if he’d seen my messages. He then just got really defensive and started calling me a hypocrite because I’d been out on Friday and said I was on my way back at 11ish and wasn’t back until 1. I said I didn’t mind him going out, I was just getting worried. He kept going and I was trying to explain I wasn’t angry at him. He told me to F off and called me a liar, fantasist and deluded. I told him he couldn’t talk to me that way and it was disgusting, he called me disgusting and told me to shut up.
I told him he’d have to sleep on the sofa and he refused and said he was getting into bed, I said no he’d have to or just leave for the night. He said he’d move our daughter from her bed to ours and he’d sleep in there. I said no because she’d been off ill and needed to sleep. He went upstairs and tried to get into our bedroom, I started to close the door and he pushed it open. I said he was scaring me. He went into our daughter’s room and she was already awake, he said to her she was coming into our bed but she got upset. He wasn’t being horrible to her, just talking normally. Because she was awake she hopped out of bed anyway and got into our bed. As me and her were laying in bed, he asked if I was coming downstairs to talk about it and I said no I didn’t want to and he said “we’re done then. Do you want to tell her?”. He asked me again and then called me selfish before stomping downstairs.
The next morning I did drop off and got back, he didn’t apologise and said he still didn’t believe I wasn’t angry with him. I actually recorded some of it and I played it to him. He didn’t believe it at first but apologised for saying shut up. I told him what he’s said and done in front of our daughter and he was mortified.
He still said he feels I elaborated some of it. He changed his tune when I said I was actually done and the only way I’d discuss it further was through a relationship counsellor. I organised one for later that afternoon and I went out.
He did apologise properly when I came back. He said he doesn’t remember much and he was so drunk. We agreed he would go away for 3 nights and he’s booked in to see a counsellor about his anger. But I’ve decided I’m done. I’ve told him and we’ve started making plans for him moving out and telling our daughter after Christmas. He’s just left now.
Unfortunately, it’s not the first time he’s got angry with me but this is far by the worst. I am absolutely horrified that he behaved that way and in front of our daughter. I’ve told him it’s abusive and our whole relationship is an unhealthy cycle, despite our (my) best efforts. He’s sad he’s not tried hard enough and he didn’t realise how horrible he was being. He grew up in an abusive household with alcoholics and his birth dad was a piece of shit too, he’s known this and has said he doesn’t want to end up that way but he admits he has. I’ve said it’s not an excuse and he’s an adult.
I’m glad he’s seen his behaviour for what it is and realised even on a small level what a piece of shit he is, but I’m worried he’s just saying it in the hope we might reconcile. A small part of me hopes he does change, not for us to get back together but for our daughter to have some chance of a normalish life now.
I’m just gutted this has happened a week before Christmas and lord knows how I’ll get through the next few weeks but I know I will for my little girl. We’ve decided he will sleep downstairs on a blow up mattress (in secret) and we’ll carry on with Christmas as normal.
I’ve told him if he says anything unkind, gets angry again or I feel uncomfortable then he’s got to leave. Luckily, I own my house outright and we’re not married so I don’t have that to stress about. I don’t feel unsafe but if I do then I will escalate it in the proper way.
It’s just proper shit and I don’t have anyone to talk to. I feel if I tell any family or friends now then the floodgates will open. But I plan to as soon as Christmas is over. My dad is terminally ill too so I don’t want to drop a stress bomb just before what could be his last Christmas, which is what makes this even more devastating.
Sorry this is so long and if you’ve even made it this far, thank you. Any inspirational stories of how it all works out in the end would be appreciated.