I'm checked out but hubby's trying really hard

[ILoveTheOcean]

I checked out of our marriage a long time ago. I was done being treated like an afterthought, but I stayed. Like so many, I stayed because of our child, because financial fears etc etc. And now my husband wants to try really hard to be a happy family but I'm just not feeling it. I am thankful for his efforts, and that he apologised for things gone wrong, but I cannot find that loving feeling again. I'm not angry at him anymore, but I'm not in love either. I'm stuck and I guess still fearful to leave because of my child and the unknown. Has anyone been here? Did you stay, did you manage to resolve and turn things around?

Would you try marriage counselling or are you done?
It's a hard one, only you know the answer.
Hope you're okay 💕

Try counselling. It's possible to fall in love again x

You either need to go to marriage counselling together and try or you need to be honest and leave.

Its unfair on both of you and your children to live in this limbo where no one’s happy and there’s an elephant in the room.

You may think you’re doing what’s best for your kids but they’re not stupid. They see how you really feel through body language and the atmosphere.

Make a decision and do something.

Does his ‘trying really hard’ involve sex?

John Gottmans has written the best relationship books in my opinion.

Seven principles of making marriage work - it even has exercises to complete.

Then his 8 dates book.

Gottmans trained counselling is also good but expensive.
If you give them a good go I think you will know whether you can turn it around.

Good luck.

He'd like to have more sex. I'm the one who doesn't really want to. There were years where I'd throw myself at him with a whole Anne Summers wardrobe and he'd be like ''maybe later''. He was texting other women behind my back, flirting around. Literally gawking at other women whilst I was right there!! And critizing me. The last time I checked his phone was when my son was 1yrs old, and I promised myself that day that I won't ever check his phone again because that day was the day I was done. It's been 7yrs, and in this time we've had to deal with covid, he got made redundant, I became the kicking post. And when he finally realized I was checked out, only then did he decide he'd like to be husband of the year sometimes. And like most men, he thinks that physical intimacy means everything is fine. I don't want to. I am struggling to fall back in love with someone who treated me like that in the first place!

It's true. I know.

Sleeping with him now will make your skin crawl I think. Once you've gone off them it's game over.

You probably do need to have a chat with him though. The unknown is a scary place until you're there.

I was going to suggest ' dating ' with him to see if you could fall back in love with him and that would lead to more cuddles and sex so you can bond .
However reading your post about you trying hard to initiate sex and him turning you down plus his texting of other women makes me feel rip of the plaster and ltb .

I’d struggle to fall back in love after being treated like that, when we’ve had relationship lows he has still always treated me well and apologised immediately after the fact if he’s been behaving like a twat.

You could have counselling by yourself or together to manage the emotions of finally ripping that bandaid off, use it as a healthy way to start co parenting and maybe a neutral way to explain his poor treatment of you killed your love for him.

It is too little, too late. You are not in love with the person he is when he isn't on his best behaviour. As you know he will default back to that once he has you back on side.

What is it with these bloody men? They feel so secure in their marriage that they can cheat, lie and treat you like shit. Then they get all surprised when you call time on their behaviour. I was you, OP. My ex became really nice and thoughtful once he realised that he had gone too far, but it was all too late. It also makes you realise that they were choosing to treat you so poorly and that they could have been kind all along. Too effing late, Mate.

Oh gosh no, you’re done. The trust can never be repaired. I’d be completely checked out beyond the point of return.

I think you owe it to your child to try counselling.

I was going to say try counselling until I saw your second post…dont bother trying, definitely done, in fact Im surprised you have stayed this long

Another here who was going to suggest counselling until i saw your second post. Of course you’ve checked out. It’s a sign of good emotional health that you’ve checked out. But having done that, you do need to properly call time on your marriage. Otherwise your DCs will grow up with a pretty messed up view of what marriage looks like.

How long has his change lasted so far? Is he bugging for sex?

Given you sound totally checked out, I'd separate with conditions for reconciliation and see just how long his change lasts.

He sounds like he took you for granted in a very disrespectful way including cheating and I think that's going to be the default he returns to when he thinks he's got you back in the bag.

OP, he realised you’re his meal ticket and prop up post(to kick when he wants) so he wants to keep you.

Funny all these men think they can push the woman until she breaks/snaps then meek apologies come “I didn’t mean to” whe she’s finally had enough and is done.

Only you can decide what you want and do you want to move forward with or without him 💐

With your second update, I say you should start the divorce process. He's not a good enough man to invest anymore years in. You will be much happier when you're free of him.

No, l think you are done and you have every right to feel that it's over. He treated you with no respect whatsoever, rejecting you whilst perving on other women. He's caused your current indifference all by himself and I doubt him trying hard will last very long. Men like him don't change.

I stayed, i tried for my children's sake and it has done lasting harm to them all. You and your child deserve contentment.

I don't.

I think your H owed it to you and your child to be a good faithful H not a arse. If the love and respect has gone there is little chance of it coming back. Leave asap.

Run as fast as your legs can take you from this marriage
Grey rock any discussion about staying together for your child, as that's 100% bound to be something he'll say when he realises you're serious

Well, this is why I asked if trying hard to him looks like have more sex. I had one like him.
Bin him, fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Today I woke up and went for brunch with a girlfriend, my DD dropped a couple of tops she bought for me because she thought I’d look really cute in them, I had a friend drop by a meal she knows I love, I went to Pilates, I got a parcel with some hand and feet and face masks for a movie evening with girlfriends at the weekend, I’m about to watch another episode of a series, I’m having a bath later, clean pyjamas and bed with a good book. Not a single fuck given, nobody upset my peace. But 10 years ago I was wearing your shoes.