I'm checked out but hubby's trying really hard

[ILoveTheOcean]

I checked out of our marriage a long time ago. I was done being treated like an afterthought, but I stayed. Like so many, I stayed because of our child, because financial fears etc etc. And now my husband wants to try really hard to be a happy family but I'm just not feeling it. I am thankful for his efforts, and that he apologised for things gone wrong, but I cannot find that loving feeling again. I'm not angry at him anymore, but I'm not in love either. I'm stuck and I guess still fearful to leave because of my child and the unknown. Has anyone been here? Did you stay, did you manage to resolve and turn things around?

Following my earlier book recommendations, prior to your additional information.

Try this book - Cheating in a Nutshell by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell. It may help explain what has happened to you and the way you feel about him since Cheaty McCheaterson traded his own dignity and self respect for cheap texts.

Once again Good Luck.

Off topic but In the meantime buy clothing for the kids in the next few sizes up and necessary items (new crockery etc) in the sales to help your finances if you divorce. Stash the new items or the old items if he keeps check on spending. You can do a ‘tip run’ and drop the old stuff with a friend just in case you split.

Bed linen
sheets
kettle
cutlery
crockery
pans etc

Get yourself in a good position - it will help you feel prepared and in control.

Nah. After reading your second post, I’d really not encourage you to try again.

really not nice, time to get your ducks in a row. All the best.

I've been to counselling on my own. I suggested couples counselling, sent him details, and he didn't respond to it or drive it. He says it's just an expensive way to argue.

Seeing the couples who have separated around me I see a common theme - the men checked out whilst they had young dc and the women stayed for precisely those reasons. Once the ‘hard’ work was over the men want to re-engage but the women are over it and move on. In every single one of these situations (sample size of 6) the women have ended up leading a better and reinvigorated life with a good relationship with their dc and the men have ended up quite sad and tragic and often dumbfounded- as though they expected their wives to tolerate them treating them like shit forever. Actually - 1 bloke (in my sample size) absolutely acknowledged the pressure he had put on his wife during the child rearing years and how he had left it to her and taken her for granted. They remain very good friends. He got into another relationship very quickly and she is living her best single life.
No idea if it is the same for you in any of that.

eta sorry - I couldn’t see all messages. He’s been messaging other women since your ds was 1 and 7 years later he is still an arse? Teach your ds that this is not how decent men behave

absolutely @IAmKerplunk , makes me feel sad for women in the past who didn't have the choices that we have.

We had been together for about 9 years by the time our son was born and he was texting other women throughout those years. I fought and cried and when our son was 1yrs old, I caught him again and then I just never checked again after that because I was done, but stayed because of our son. But then covid hit, and he got made redundant, lost most of his 'playing field' as he travelled internationally a lot for work and I became the emotional kicking post.

Now he is trying really hard, but I feel like why the hell did it take so much emotional hardship for him to try and be a decent guy? And he EXPECTS that I reciprocate his efforts. I just don't feel it. There is nothing in my subconscious or body that is allowing me to, but still I feel an element of guilt and fear. I'm finding this constant loop so hard! If I'm honest, I wish he'd just meet someone else and be done with it.

Absolutely agree @IAmKerplunk no night wake ups,no feeding, no input in parenting. Having a small child is hard work. Then complain they have no bond or the child prefers mum.

Expectation,demands and entitlement of women’s

time
energy
attention
affection
sex
labour

and goodness knows what else.

Then they are surprised the wife ditched them and “they didn’t see it coming”. The same way they didn’t see all the daily load of mundane tasks to be done.

Women need partners not another liability adding to their load.
Funnily enough men can function at work and don’t need constant instructions what needs to be done there. Only at home they turn into helpless creatures needing to be nurtured alongside their offspring.

Seems like he's a decent guy that's now trying really hard. You should probably let go of the resentment you're holding and give this marriage a chance, as the grass isn't always greener.

He has been cheating on her the whole marriage, would hate to see your definition of an awful husband!

Given your updates, you need to leave him.

It’s hard and it’s horrible and you will grieve even though you’re done. But it’s so necessary. You only get one go at life and why would you waste it with someone who betrayed, disrespected and didn’t care about you for years and years?

It’s a cliché but your kids will be happiest when you’re happiest and staying for the kids is a way of just making everyone even more miserable!

You haven't read any more of the OP's update posts? Her husband checked out of the marriage when she needed him, but now expects her to care like she used to!

I'd be checked out too. And I don't think it's possible to check back in to a relationship once you've reached that point. Sorry.

Oh look, the husband has arrived!

Dream on, buddy. Consequences.

Thought he hasn't physically cheated. But given that he's trying, as OP posted, really hard maybe there is something left to salvage. Best option may be marriage counselling.

He’s not trying if he won’t go to marriage counselling is he?

He knows he’ll have to listen to the reasons why you’ve checked out and he doesn’t want to hear them, he just wants a clean slate and to start again. But relationships aren’t built that way, if he truly wants to fix your marriage, he needs to address all his wrong doing and apologise for it all and demonstrate that he’s changed.

If he’s not prepared to take the first step, counselling, he’s really not trying that hard is he 🙄

Men believe love means being forgiven.

Just like mammy does.

Stop struggling. He killed the love.

Decent guys don't behave in the way the OP describes.

I don’t think a lot of men get that regardless of whether you’ve been having a physical affair, sexting, using only fans, excessive ( or in some women’s cases ‘any’ ) dating sites as entertainment, porn or constant flirting elsewhere , for most women simply kills any deep feelings - they may well stay at that point due to life situations or thinking that he will change but at a deeper level and in my experience those 100 % feelings about someone don’t really come back as they were before . I think many men think if they say they are sorry and step up that will be the end of the matter without understanding they have broken things at a deeper level and it’s hard just to get those feelings back

It’s an old fashioned view but I really think people should do everything they can to stay in and rebuild a marriage if it is safe to do so and both parties are able, especially when you have children together. There aren’t any long marriages that haven’t gone through phases of being flat or unhappy, it’s what you choose to do in that situation that results in either a broken home or a long, overall happy marriage. Marriage is a commitment that takes work, and does benefit your children long term, whereas break ups are actively harmful.

i was in the same position as you my kids dad cheated and I felt like rubbish but kept taking him back because I so desperately wanted that happy family. What I didn’t see at the time was the shell I was becoming. He cheated one more time but the last was different and he left and tried to make a go of it with the girl, 3 months after my youngest was born. It was the making of me and tbh I wish I had left sooner after the first time he did it because no matter what he did like you I had checked out and things would never be the same. That security was gone because I knew what he was capable of. He did try and come back and I didn’t entertain it. It’s been the best thing that’s happened to me, my friends say how much happier I am, I’ve dated and had fun, had another serious relationship and best of all the kids are fine and happy despite ex being a idiot still!

Christ no. You’re married to a selfish, creepy letch.

You need to make a decision, staying for your child is an excuse that has run its course. You martyred yourself in an unhappy union for seven years for him now to expect sex because apparently he’s seen the light (run out of options).

Hopefully, this will be the kick up the arse you need to walk away and face up to the reasons for staying. Raising a child in an unhappy and dysfunctional marriage might have appeared to be the least worst option but this current situation proves it wasn’t, your marriage isn’t the hiding place it once was. Now you need to decide, your options are tell your H that you are ok with the status quo, reconciliation or separate.

The balls in your court, always has been.

It’s a cliché but your kids will be happiest when you’re happiest and staying for the kids is a way of just making everyone even more miserable!

It’s difficult, but I’ve read threads where women have left husbands and partners and become even more miserable. They’re parenting 100% of the time with no breaks and watching their exes living their best lives while they are sole parent, less money and worse living conditions and have no opportunity of meeting another partner or having time to themselves. This obv isn’t always the case and one could argue that some women already do 100% parenting and is easier not to have to factor in a useless partner at all, but unless they actually do fuck all, they are still providing some level of support so you can at least take a shower while young kids are awake, or nip to a shop or out with friends etc.

It sounds small, and obviously if the relationship is abusive and they are making the kids lives a misery, it’s obv different, but my point is the solution to a happier life isn’t always to LTB. At least while the kids are so reliant on you 24/7.