More to life?

[Downthewaterfall]

I'm entering my fifth year of a sexless marriage. I've research the topic to death. I have taken all the advice, helping out with the kids (which I have always done), I do my fair share of housework, ( which I have always done ), I have always provided financially, I look after myself, I dress well and try to smell nice. I'm always there for her. I'm not looking for more practically advice so much but advice on whether I'm wasting my time. I have talked to my OH about how I feel but tend to get stonewalled. The reasons (or excuses?) she gives are I'm too tired ( but she goes to bed at 9ish every night) then "I'm too fat" but has lost nearly 4 stones and looks amazing ( and I tell her I am so so proud of her) and now the latest reason is "it hurts". So I asked why dont you see the doc about it. Not interested. Then I asked if it didnt hurt then would you want sex and she said i dont know. That was the dagger in my heart. Neither of us can afford to seperate. It's so hard not to come across as needy or pathetic but Please Help🙏

How old is your wife? Could she be in peri menopause?

48 but tbh honest this has been coming for at least 10 years. I'm happy to entertain that posibility but getting her to talk about it with a medical professional is just not an option sadly.

Leave.

Sounds like you have tried everything sadly , I would consider a separation

It would be the logical approach but just cant afford it ☹️

Just typical that will be a long line of excuses (tired, you doing more stuff) but these are just diversions. 168 hours in a week and cannot spare 30 mins for the two of you?
Alas some people just go off the idea of sex and won't budge from that.
Stay and be miserable; seek affairs. Not nice choices.

You’ve mentioned making yourself a great catch and complimenting her weight loss but that’s not really a seduction to lots of women.
For me, compliments to things such as ‘your skin is so soft’, ‘that colour looks great on you’ or ‘you have the most beautiful smile’ do a lot more and your wife could be the same. You don’t mention how you smile at her or laugh at her jokes. What kind of gifts do you buy for her? Are they romantic or practical?

I'm not trying to come across as a great catch. I have my faults like anyone 😊 but I do try my best. I do compliment her all the time but i just get 🙄. Not sure about what relevance gift buying has but during her weight lose we have been doing a lot of walking together and I bought her a couple of pairs of funky leggings which she actually liked! Go me 👊. As for smiling/jokes. Not her thing 🤷

Going from a sexless relationship to actually having sex together is a huge leap.
start my holding her hand. Nothing more.
then move up the affection ladder in teeny tiny steps.
cuddles on the sofa.
a peck on the cheek as you walk by her
a long cuddle
kiss in a public place
a longer kiss
all of these things fairly regularly.
Then A snog. A passionate kiss that doesn’t lead anywhere.
once you completed these steps and you are both happy snogging… you can start to raise the possibility (pardon the pun 😉) of sex.

if you can’t get to snogging comfortably, you won’t get to sex!

The relevance of gifts, for me it shows how I’m seen. Flowers, perfume, jewellery, handwritten notes make me feel beautiful/seen in a way that’s more than a friend.
If she doesn’t like how you smile at her then I think you’re doing it wrong.
Does she crack no jokes whatsoever?
Your example of a compliment was a bit average…

Tell her it’s not enough. You deserve more than this. What would you say if she was open to you fulfilling that aspect of your life elsewhere?

Done all that, flowers jewelry, perfume, cars, new bathroom, holidays etc. Im the smiler and joker in the house. As for compliments, dont think I actually gave an example?. Hand written notes is a fair point. Will try. And it wont be a shopping list either!

I so wish that this would work. Im very tactile and she is whatever the opposite word is. She says we are not teenagers anymore when it comes to snogging, even though we met late 20s early 30s and did it all this time

Do you love her, want to be with her and fancy her?

Does she love you, want to be with you and fancy you?

Do you have any children or other caring responsibilities?

Do you both work?

This is so complex I don't believe it's as easy as saying you've done everything and now time to give up. I think you need to know whether she wants to be with you romantically/relationship wise aswell as companionship/friend wise.

Why or when did things start to slip? Did it coincide with anything?

I've been in a sexless marriage for around 2-3 yrs, we've worked hard to get this back, and it has come back but do you know what was mainly at the crux of it? I wasn't really enjoying sex, it was boring, I didn't orgasm therefore I didn't want to do it. It wasn't fun. However I never actually realised this until we worked at things, my self esteem increased and my ability to communicate what I wanted etc, but also learning what I actually liked......on my own.....then taking that into the relationship. With my partner respecting this. It's also working out what makes her feel good, what makes her feel sexy and wanted and not just there because you want sex (and I'm sure your not thinking this, but just to put it in straight forward terms!). Not just there for your pleasure. That it's her that you want.

Saying all this she has to be open to recognising how important it is to you, how it erodes your self esteem and feelings of being loved and how that's impacting the relationship. If she's not open to even trying, or doesn't want to then that's a whole different situation.

Do you think she feels like she can talk openly with you without fear of judgement/shaming/embarrassment/you trying to twist things etc?

Some sex therapy would be useful if you could afford it, there will be more to this than you realise.

That’s fair. I had read your comment that you’re proud of her weight loss as an example of a compliment.

I think she knows I deserve more but is as stubborn as a mule and wont change. As for open relations, I have invested so much into our relationship I feel I shouldn't have to go down that route......yet

Tbh she doesn't sound much of a catch. No smiles... No jokes...

It sounds like she doesn’t want romantic gestures for now. But maybe you could ask what would make her happy, could she retrain, learn a new skill, what would bring her joy? What does she need? What’s missing in general?

Maybe time together doing a joint hobby or learning a new skill together or playing chess/backgammon…something that is yours and hers together…and then also make sure you get out and about and see your friends/recharge your battery on your own.

Please don't say you help out with your kids. You parent your kids, 50/50 hopefully when you're both not at work. Do you take them to the GP/dentist/pharmacy/clubs/activities/arrange play dates equally, too?

You always provide financially - does that mean you top up the joint account each month when you get paid, or does it mean that you set up the bills, know when all the direct debits are due, the amounts they cost and when they're due for review, which insurance policy/utility/internet tariff is due to end and needs shopping around for etc etc.

How much of the mental load do you share? What's the balance of the unseen domestic labour in your relationship?

Maybe she goes to bed at 9pm because she is mentally exhausted as well as physically so. Maybe she's depressed.l or just as unhappy as you are.

Have you asked her what she needs from you, as much as saying what you need from her?

Maybe she is angry at you for something thats happened in the past?

All these suggestions being thrown at you for things to try... it won't work. Sorry to be blunt, but you tying yourself in knots trying to figure out what makes her tick is fruitless if she isn't even open to discussing it.

Your only realistic options from what you describe are staying together and accepting no intimacy ever again, staying together with an open relationship arrangement, or leaving.

I was your wife during my marriage, and I cared how much my exH was hurting about our lack of intimacy. I felt a lot of guilt about it because I still loved and respected him, even though I didn't desire him. It hurt us both. We had 3 lots of marriage counselling over the years, but ultimately, we were better off apart. He wouldn't entertain an open relationship when I suggested it.

You say you can't afford to separate. Is that a definite or is that fear talking? Lots of people separate and manage, and not just the wealthy ones.

I absolutely adore her. She is the love of my life. I just cant get through to her how I feel. Whether the feeling is mutual I just dont know. I think it is🤷. We have older kids and both work.

What you advise is absolutely what she needs to read too. I could cope without sex more if I was hugged and kissed out of the blue but the only time she touches me voluntarily is to punch me when I start to snore!

When did it start to slip? After our first child 19 years ago but it was still ok. Noticably during covid.

Regarding open talks. From my point of view whenever I approach the subject her default position is that its all about sex and its all her fault even before ive said a word. I need to change either my approach and/or she needs to change her mindset. I cant even touch her romantically without being accused of groping.

Im glad you worked it out. You recognised there was a problem and dealt with it. My wife knows there is a problem but doesnt have any interest in trying to sort it out as much as i try

I have thought about suggesting therapy.

Thank you so much for you reply x

Thank you x May I ask you a question? Are you in a new relationship and having a sexlife again? If so how does your ex partner feel about it? Genuinely interested and absolutely no judgement on my part.

If we seperated we'd have to sell the house so we both have a roof over our heads. The children's welfare bothers me the most having been subjected to that when I was a kid. It was not nice when my parents split up.

I wish she'd tell me what it is so I can deal with it.

It took my OH to get to the point of utter despair and threat of divorce, plus marriage/sex counselling for me to realise this wasn't about sex, it was about showing affection and love. Honestly, I just thought my OH wanted his end away and that anyone would do, why didn't he just go and have sex with someone else if it was just about sex? How shallow that he would get so upset about 'just' sex? I know this is how a good chunk of women think about sex, for alot of us it just isn't the big driver in our lives. Our relationship was good in every other aspect.

He had issues to work through too don't get me wrong. Ours very much started after children and reconnection never happened after this properly.

Don't minimise hormonal involvement aswell, this does affect some women deeply. mid life for women is a really tricky time for lots of reasons.

I think you should suggest some outside input, to make life better for both of you. Sex therapy/psychology if you can find it and afford it.