More to life?

[Downthewaterfall]

I'm entering my fifth year of a sexless marriage. I've research the topic to death. I have taken all the advice, helping out with the kids (which I have always done), I do my fair share of housework, ( which I have always done ), I have always provided financially, I look after myself, I dress well and try to smell nice. I'm always there for her. I'm not looking for more practically advice so much but advice on whether I'm wasting my time. I have talked to my OH about how I feel but tend to get stonewalled. The reasons (or excuses?) she gives are I'm too tired ( but she goes to bed at 9ish every night) then "I'm too fat" but has lost nearly 4 stones and looks amazing ( and I tell her I am so so proud of her) and now the latest reason is "it hurts". So I asked why dont you see the doc about it. Not interested. Then I asked if it didnt hurt then would you want sex and she said i dont know. That was the dagger in my heart. Neither of us can afford to seperate. It's so hard not to come across as needy or pathetic but Please Help🙏

It could be that you are not good at sex? Or are not sexy? Clearly you don’t float

She doesn’t fancy you anymore. It happens, she could still love you, these things are often entirely separate.

If you’re completely honest, is there anything in your past together - flirtations, issues with alcohol/drugs/gambling for example, which could have turned her off you? Hard to come back from such things even if believe them to be resolved.

For some people once the children are there it seems pointless to have sex, too much effort, not enough reward for the effort. Some of my friends tell me straight out they’d be happy to never have to be intimate with their husbands or indeed any man, ever again despite claiming to love them. I think it’s pretty common tbh. You should probably leave tbh.

As a female I was the one initially who didn't want sex with my XH - the bottom line: I just didn’t fancy him alongside living with his awful constant mood swings which were a real turn off, despite him being very hands on at home and with the (now adult) kids. Eventually the feeling became mutual and so we were in a sexless marriage. Like many men, he believed I just didnt like sex, but the reality was I was very horny but just could not have sex with him.

I went the FBW route and after a couple of experiences with men in similar situations, I then met someone new who is now my partner. Two years ago my divorce went through. I think my XH still thinks I must be a nun but the reality is that I have adventurous and amazing sex almost every day with my new partner alongside deep love and similar interests. We are both middle aged.

OP the reality is that you could go out of your mind trying to second guess or rectify, when the possibility is there that it could just be very hard to get that desire back for someone who has become more like a friend or a brother.

Ultimately to be fair to you, she needs to be deeply honest about her reasons, even if its hurtful to you to hear. Holding onto someone while also withdrawing physically is not sustainable for the other who still wants a physical relationship. I dont think being faithful in this situation should be be expected or fair.

5 years us a bloody long time…

This -> "For some people once the children are there it seems pointless to have sex, too much effort, not enough reward for the effort." is okay IF that's agreed up front.

A male friend once said that when (or more accurately, IF) men started communicating with other men about what having children really entailed then the birth rate would plummet overnight! He also said he deliberately didn't pass this onto another male friend (who was asking for help deciding what to do) as he wanted his friends in the same boat as him!

Thanknyou all for your reponses. I have decided to have a proper sit down talk with her. This afternoon I said tonher that I want a talk this week ( wednesday to be exact because thats when we are child free for an hour). I then left the room andngot an immediate text from her saying "do we need to seperate?" What do you all read into that?

That she’s unhappy too and the marriage potentially ending is something she is considering. Whether or not she wants to do the work to improve things is anyone’s guess. You need to ask her straight out.

She is thinking that it's possibly time to call it a day and is wondering if you want to talk because you are feeling the same way?

At least she has opened up the possibility of away out for you both x

Just leave

Are you going to suggest therapy in your talk?

Think she obviously knows something is wrong and you’re unhappy. Maybe she is also, good luck.

Btw how are you to approach this?

It sounds like you have considered the situation carefully and are absolutely convinced that there is nothing you can change to make her change her mind.

Also, to be honest, why should you change to get sex from the person who is supposed to love you? I would not be transforming my behaviour, buying endless gifts of jewellery and perfume etc just to make someone want sex with me. Frankly, if I had a partner who didn't desire me, they wouldn't be my partner any more! (This may be why I am single.....)

And even if you DID manage to persuade her to relent - how hideous would it be, having sex with somebody who quite clearly didn't want it?

What I find frustrating about your post however (forgive me) is that it's glaringly obvious you should both separate. Yet you seem willing to put finances above your own emotional wellbeing - and that of your wife, to be honest.....

If that's your decision, I'm afraid nobody can help you. You just need to crack on with your sexless marriage. Find some diverting hobbies? Masturbate more? I dunno.....

(But it seems such a waste of two people's lives, not to mention hard on the kids, who must be aware of the lack of affection between their parents).

OP, one thing at a time.

Were you ever BOTH "in love". Her with you, full on keen on you, romantic gestures returned etc?

Do you BOTH want lifetime loving companionship, romance etc. Is this a priority for her as well as it obviously is for you? Did you discuss at the beginning what this looked like?

Assuming YES to both of the above, then what you lack is SKILLS. Reading your responses on here I would say you need to learn to safely give Space (deal with rejection very graciously, by taking care of your needs for connection in other ways when she is overwhelmed). This means if she doesn't want to talk about sex, completely for NOW stop talking about sex. You can start again ONLY in small doses WHEN she clearly feels safe to do so.

Another skill you probably need is Listening. Listening involves your full attention. Any scrap she gives you treat it like a treasure. If she says she doesn't like xyz , pick up on it. Acknowledge it. Say - I hear you say you don't like xyz. Can you please tell me a bit more. If she refuses - give space. Come back later.

You also need to learn Patience. Your nervous system demands responses from her. Those demands put pressure on her nervous system. Both end up feeling shit. Control your own nervous system. Learn self calming techniques. Leave the room. Pay attention to your own nervous tension.

Read this website for a lot more info on what to try.

All this assuming you both want something from each other.

I would read that as her wanting to discuss separating but hoping you will say it first. I would start the conversation by suggesting a separation you’ll know by her reaction then what she really wants.

There was an almost identical thread as this a few weeks ago.
My response now will be the same as it was then.

If someone who once desired you now no longer does, and it's been going on for years, the hard cold fact is she doesn't want to have sex with you, and probably never will again.
A relationship on those terms can only work if you are BOTH happy in a sexless marriage....obviously this thread wouldn't exist if that was the case.

Your marriage is over , your wife wants out as well as has been waiting for you to want that as well

Sounds like she’s got the ick . She doesn’t fancy you.

I’d like to hear her side, and I don’t mean that in a sarky way, but you’re clearly on very different pages if she is accusing you of groping her.

I could cope without sex more if I was hugged and kissed out of the blue but the only time she touches me voluntarily is to punch me when I start to snore

I feel sorry for you.

You love your wife and you just want intimate affection, along with sex, and your wife has just shut down and is quite content it seems.

The fact that she said 'Do we need to separate' is quite telling, if she said it in those exact words. It's almost like she was waiting for you to make the first move.