More to life?

[Downthewaterfall]

I'm entering my fifth year of a sexless marriage. I've research the topic to death. I have taken all the advice, helping out with the kids (which I have always done), I do my fair share of housework, ( which I have always done ), I have always provided financially, I look after myself, I dress well and try to smell nice. I'm always there for her. I'm not looking for more practically advice so much but advice on whether I'm wasting my time. I have talked to my OH about how I feel but tend to get stonewalled. The reasons (or excuses?) she gives are I'm too tired ( but she goes to bed at 9ish every night) then "I'm too fat" but has lost nearly 4 stones and looks amazing ( and I tell her I am so so proud of her) and now the latest reason is "it hurts". So I asked why dont you see the doc about it. Not interested. Then I asked if it didnt hurt then would you want sex and she said i dont know. That was the dagger in my heart. Neither of us can afford to seperate. It's so hard not to come across as needy or pathetic but Please Help🙏

We divorced 12 years ago. He married 10 years ago to someone far better suited to him, and I had an 8 year relationship which ended last year, and am now dating someone new. We have both moved on to have very fulfilling sex lives with new people.

As for the impact on the children, everyone who separates has those same worries. Obviously, everyone's situation/relationship is different and divorce is always an upheaval, but it doesn't have to be the disaster many people fear it will be. If both adults involved are civil towards each other and provide emotional safety for the DC, the transition can have a positive outcome. Also, kids learn what relationships look like from what they see at home. When parents are distant or unaffectionate, kids may grow up seeing emotional distance as “normal,” which can affect how comfortable they feel with closeness, expressing needs, or recognising healthy intimacy later on. Lots of people worry about short-term stability for the DC, but forget about how they'll function as adults.

I do as much as i possibly can for my kids. It is of a practical nature ie nursery/school drop offs pick ups, clubs, gp appts and all that. They want for nothing. You name it ive been there. Where I cant help is the psychological aspect. My kids are all girls so there are things only a mum can deal with.

Finacially yes we have a joint account and she manages that but I deal with the mortgage, utilities, insurances, sky, road tax etc car maintenance, mot. I organise quotes for house maintenance etc. Everything you'd expect a bloke to do. I even do the food shopping. I could easily be responsible for paying all the bills but why should I?

I used to pay for a house cleaner each week out of my own money but cant afford it now with my eldest off to uni so I do it myself.

I think she is unhappy, like you suggest, regardless of what I do

I tell you what. You have mentioned about how kids feel in an unaffectionate envoronment. Strikes a chord. My mum was very affectionate even though she was a single parent. My OH was pretty much left to her own devices when she was a kid and her stepdad was an absolute git to her. I wish I could change that. I have talked to her about the impact on our children that out behaviour may have and we should be more loving publicly.

So what answer are you looking for? The obvious one is you should leave, but you won’t do that, so…? People may be sympathetic to you situation but that doesn’t help you. You do seem to have tried everything anyone could suggest. Have you actually said directly to her that you would have to end the relationship if it continues without any physical intimacy? If you haven’t she probably is worried in one level but as the years go by thinks you have agreed to a sexless marriage. You need to spell it out that the relationship is over if something doesn’t change. And mean it.

Do you think she still loves you?

People always bring up menopause when a middle aged woman appears to "go off" sex but could it be that for her your relationship has come to its natural end?

No one seems to have considered that but would have had it been the male in the relationship who was behaving that way.

Could she be having an affair? Could she have fallen for someone else?

Have you suggested marriage guidance to her? Would she go?

“From my point of view whenever I approach the subject her default position is that it’s all about sex and it’s all her fault even before ive said a word. I need to change either my approach and/or she needs to change her mindset. I cant even touch her romantically without being accused of groping.”

This paragraph is telling and probably gives the clearest indication of things from your wife’s perspective. I’d like to hear her side of the story - which I suggest would vary significantly from your glowing report of yourself.

There’s barely a thread on here from a bloke that, ultimately, isn’t about not getting enough sex!

Sounds like she’s not actually interested in you.

I could have written your entire post. Including the bit about her mother and stepfather being two of the worst human beings I've ever met, which I think is likely a huge part of it.

You have been a loving, supportive husband and father, and you've provided well for the family for years. Yet you are being treated as if you've committed some kind of grave offence like cheating or some other abuse.

You're not perfect. But I am telling you, it would not matter if you were.

If your wife's 48 then you're probably also in your mid to late 40s? That means you are still YOUNG. A young man with your best years being robbed from you.

You can spend a couple of difficult years getting divorced, selling the house, untangling finances, and working out childcare and work arrangements. It will be hard, it will be expensive, it will be humiliating, it will be painful. But you WILL get through it and be happier.

OR you can waste even more years trying to find a magic secret formula which doesn't even exist.

Feel free to DM, I am in a very similar boat to you right now.

And happy new year.

@BeOchreGuide The key word in your post, which you use repeatedly, is 'we'. In most sexless marriages, one partner shuts up shop: as it's only possible to change ourselves and not our partner, the situation then becomes utterly hopeless. You succeeded because both of you were committed.

I’m sorry Op, I’ve been in your position, where my DH just didn’t want to have sex, be romantic, or try with kissing or cuddling etc

Turns out he didn’t love me after 16 years, broke my heart but we’d not been right for a while.

like you, I kept thinking ‘if I just try this or this’ but nothing worked in the end.

Honestly, just leave. You’ve tried everything and for whatever reason it doesn’t seem like she loves you, and that isn’t necessarily your fault! All these posters saying ‘do you do childcare etc’.

My DH changed SO much whilst we were together, and we really grew apart. No one’s fault really, although I do blame him a bit for not trying a bit harder! It’s hard though, of course, but I’m starting to see hope from dating apps I’m on with plenty of interest! People who obviously DO like the look of me! It’s refreshing. your self esteem will just continue to die in this marriage.

She sounds really depressing to be around. Humourless, disinterested in sex and putting in no effort. You deserve better. You can separate if you really want to. There’s always a way.

You sound like you’re putting in all the effort on every front. What’s actually in it for you ?

I think she is unhappy too and probably feels just as trapped by the financial situation and the way forward.

Massive generalisation I know, but for woman sex is often more about love and connection than the physical side. So if the love has gone for her then having sex with you and being intimate will be hard.

I think rather than trying so hard to fix it, maybe sit down with her with a plan for separating and see what her reaction is.

Neither of you is necessarily at fault here, it could just be your marriage has come to an end.

Maybe take her away for a weekend if you've someone to look after the kids, spend some quality time, just the two of you and see if you can get your relationship back on track?

I'm female but have been here in a much shorter relationship and would not want this to be my life either.

I suggest couples therapy and potentially sex therapy (maybe cheaper than divorce).

Think about how the financial pressure is affecting things.

It needs a conversation where you tell her you are considering x y and z options and ask what she thinks.

I would ask are you genuinely emotionally available and do you actually listen, try to empathise, validate her perspective and work to find solutions?

If those are not happening then that may be the issue.

It seems like you are doing all the work here and she is doing nothing to save her marriage. Considering her parents divorced and she hated it why is she not doing anything about it? She won't see a doctor about it supposedly hurting or a therapist to work through it.

Being harsh you provide money and a lifestyle she doesn't want to give up. You are 5 years into no sex and you are still having the same conversations and you haven't left yet. She is counting on you not leaving because you haven't left yet.

I would look at your options. Stop saying you can't afford to leave unless you have spoken to a solicitor, had the house valued, looked at all the assets you have and worked out what you would come away with.

This is no way to live, you could be like this for another 40 years. Is that what you want?

Dh and I are early 50s, we have incredibly loving sex. I could not imagine being without it and if one of us was having issues with it we would absolutely try to do something about it.

If you were my friend I would be telling you that although she may love you she doesn't fancy you or want you and ask you will that ever change? You could divorce and could be with someone who craves your touch, wants your body, looks forward to going to bed with you.

If you really do everything you say you do, and you have spoken to her at length about how you feel, then I’m sure but the truth is that she just doesn’t respect you. It’s cruel to withhold intimacy - if you can’t afford to separate, then you should take some steps back and stop doing so much for her. Marriages are give and take, I’m not sure from your posts how much she’s giving.

I always wonder if it's possible to come back from no sex. How can you rekindle it when one of you has lost their desire for it. I think the only way forward is separately unfortunately.

Gosh, 5 years 😅 yeah I don’t think I could do that, no matter how much i loved someone surely if they loved you and wanted you to be happy they would make the effort one way or the other, even if it was to open up the relationship etc. I understand couples go through times when there is less sex but consistently for 5 years, that’s going to be hard to break. Sounds like abit of couples therapy might be the best approach as your advances and talks are not having an effect .

Please reflect on what @BeOchreGuide has written, which I feel is really valid and important points to consider.
Your OH sounds unhappy in your relationship and until this is explored more, there will be no progress in becoming more physically intimate with each other.
Providing financially, "helping" around the house and with the children gifts and compliments about her physical appearance may not be the fix to this.
There are 2 sides to this problem and it can't be looked at as her having the problem. It has to be looking at the problem you both have as a couple. Trying to see it as just a problem about lack of physical intimacy is very superficial. It will stem from other issues, that then has a knock on impact on your physical relationship. Also putting it down to perimenopause, her mood or other "women's problems", may feel rather patronising. She may find some of your behaviours, both inside and outside the bedroom unattractive. She may have found that physical intimacy with you, has not been enjoyable or met her needs. She may feel it is always about providing pleasure for you and lacked focus on what she needed. She may have difficulty putting what can be a complicated issue into words. Does she feel you would understand from her point of view? Is she worried that what she says may upset you?

If you want to fix this, you need to explore if these are possible issues and try improving your relationship generally. What you feel you are doing to help, may not be what she is needing. Counselling may be the best option to help you communicate how difficult this is for you and give her chance to be heard by you.
Please do not consider looking for physical intimacy outside your relationship, give her the respect to explore this in more depth. Explain to her how the situation makes you feel and ask what may help you both address it together. If she is not open to this, then explain you feel it could lead to the end of your relationship, which you don't want. Please give her the courtesy and respect to chose to get support with your joint problem with this issue or explore if she would prefer to end it, rather than you give her no choice by seeking something elsewhere; given that you have said that you adore her, I am sure this is something that you would not even consider

Would she be open to ENM, ie with her agreement you get a sex life somewhere else. If she wants to stay in the relationship, but also understands she's switched off an important part of your life, she might listen to you.
Because the alternatives are become celebrate. Or leave.

I’m going to be blunt but not to be cruel. Your wife doesn’t want sex with you and that’s not going to change. She doesn’t need to see the doctor because she knows that it’s not a medical issue it’s that she just doesn’t want sex with you. She would probably rather you didn’t touch her at all.

You say it’s not feasible to leave and I guess she knows or feels this too otherwise she would have chosen to leave by now. It’s possible she still wants a sex life but just not with you but feels trapped in the marriage.

Sorry to be brutal and I’m not saying this is your fault or you are a bad husband but I think you do have to move on from trying have sex with her. Once you have you can decide what your long term plan is and work towards that.

I had 10+ years in a sexless relationship, it will never change- there will always be an excuse for it- the other person has got exactly what they want- a complete home & life and not having sex.
forget all the compliments and gifts- that won’t work- you need to have a rather blunt discussion about the state of your relationship and how unhappy you are - and if things don’t change- you will look to separate this year-
if you don’t do that- you will have another year of no sex

Should it really need to be that difficult?
What does she bring to the relationship?
The answer is very little by the sound of it.
He probably would be better off calling it a day.

How is what I mentioned difficult?
Not sure what she brings to the relationship. The OP is not really selling her here.
He doesn’t want to call it a day…so hence my post.

Unfortunately this won't change IME - you are not compatible sexually anymore - maybe her desire to have children skewed things so much that this appeared to be the case early in the relationship? I get your financial worry about separating though its a tough decision what to do next. Some days you can square it away while other days you feel you are missing out on a massive part of what makes a relationship special. For some, sex isn't that important anymore, they should be honest and say so.