Is it normal for an 11-year-old to have no hobbies or friends?

[Hollz55]

I’m a mum of one (my son is 11). He doesn’t seem interested in anything. All he wants to do is be on his phone or his Switch. I do limit his screen time, as he would happily sit all day just scrolling.

He has no interest in going outside, and when we suggest going out he reacts as if his world has ended. He doesn’t have any hobbies because he doesn’t want to do anything, and he’s quit every after-school activity he’s tried. He’s perfectly happy staying in his room doing nothing.

He also doesn’t really have any friends at school, and that doesn’t seem to bother him either. He’s just not interested.

I’ve suggested lots of after-school clubs, both in and out of school, and he refuses all of them.

He’s not a SEN child — he’s an introvert.

Is this normal for this age, or am I overreacting? It doesn’t feel particularly healthy to me, but I’m at a loss as to what to do next.

Honestly, no. I would also say my child is an introvert. She does have small, select group of friends and plays several sports. Staying home a lot is fine but I would be uncomfortable with them having no friends at all and doing nothing but phone scrolling.

So what does he do at home when he’s not allowed on screens?

I'd book him into activities like Jujitsu, Football etc to force some social circles.

Are you friendly with Mums at school @Hollz55 ?

I feel boys are at an in between stage at this age - too old for some things yet too young for others. I have two and they were completely different - one only hung about with girls and the other was always involved in physical activities. I think it's just different personalities. First one is now married with a child while second one is still in team sports and pursuing a Masters. However that was a while ago and now the lure of the internet is an easy choice for some. Is he at secondary school now? He could just be still settling into all of that. You just have to be available to them. It's a hard one.

Thank you all for replying!
when I take away his devices he either builds Lego or draws and watches tv.
he’s not into sports . And hes done martial arts which he quit aswell as basketball.
hes in one after school club which is a push for me to get him to go. Hes so far only been once.
Hes in secondary school now so i dont know any of the parents as he gets the bus.
he also prefers to be friends with girls.
i don’t know if im expecting too much too soon from him but im worried he’s going to be isolated.
there just isisnt anything in life he like to do and its annoying the hell out of me 🙈

TV is just another screen.

No, it isn’t normal. Did he used to have friends before starting secondary school?

You need to limit his screen time to zero and put him in some clubs. Kids don’t need phones!

My eldest was also a massive Lego fan.

I wouldn’t worry, he seems content in his life, you seem to be the one with the problem. He will find his way

No necessarily.

The type of hit that people get when they scroll is akin to a slot machine effect. Imagine the potential effect that has on a developing mind. Scrolling is not only addictive, it's also required no effort to get satisfaction. No development required.

Such boys can grow up to be low-energy passive types who don't seem to have any drive to do anything in life. What kind of life they lead when they're outside the home is up to them, but he can be on the pathway to be a jobless couch potato if he doesn't start perking up in the next few years.

Has he ever had any friends or hobbies he enjoys? It may be the case that he needs a quieter hobby, maybe one with more 'misfits' or people he can relate to, something a bit quieter.

Could it be that he is adjusting to secondary school? Did he just start this year? If he is otherwise happy in himself I’m not sure how much I’d push things.

My son is like this but he is autistic, you said your son isn’t so no I don’t think it’s normal in that case

I would wonder.about autism tbh

My kids are a similar age and a bit like this, though the older one has strong interests, and the younger one does have friends. They are both ND.

Maybe he’ll get into co-operative gaming with school friends. Maybe needs a PS5

I think it's normal to a point, 11 is quite a transitional and self-conscious age. If he's just started secondary he might still feel like he's settling in and finding his feet. I think you're right to encourage things other than screen time though.

I’m wondering if he’s always been like this or if it’s more recent. It would worry me a lot honestly.

I'd be more concerned if he's always been like this.

My nephew is like this. He is autistic. SIL always hoped he’d find his crew as he grew up but sadly it still hasn’t happened. He went away to uni and lasted six weeks. He’s 22 now and very much still a home bird. Its really quite sad despite him being very intelligent. No friends really, hard to tell how much it bothers him.

Does his school have a computer club or science club or board games club or Lego club? (Thinking of clubs that are more likely to attract those that are quiter and more introverted).

or can you get him to anything like this out of school?

My DS was a bit like yours, but he had a group of like minded other boys he hang around with at school, or gamed with.

Sounds exactly like my 11 - though he is diagnosed ASD.

You can ask the school to help him with friendships if you want but honestly I wouldn't worry. He'll find his own way. I didn't make friends until halfway through year 8.

He sounds very similar to my ds2 at that age.

Then when he was 13 he was in a play as part of a compulsory extra curricular activity and really enjoyed it so I found a theatre youth group for him to join. It took him another year to summon up the courage but he joined at 14 and hasn’t looked back: he suddenly started to have friends at school as well as in the theatre group in another town; he had parties to go to at Halloween and NYE this past year.

What I am getting at is not that your ds should do drama but to keep suggesting things even though it feels thankless and he might come out of his shell when he finds a niche.

This is such a sad read. Why does an 11 year old who doesn’t go anywhere even have a smartphone? Would he really sit around doing nothing if he didn’t have the switch and phone?

I wouldn’t force him to make social connections or push him into sport, but there may be some quieter interests that an introverted 11 year old may like. I would suggest chess, dungeons and dragons if you can find a group, warhammer, model painting. Something that is not just screens.