Is it normal for an 11-year-old to have no hobbies or friends?

[Hollz55]

I’m a mum of one (my son is 11). He doesn’t seem interested in anything. All he wants to do is be on his phone or his Switch. I do limit his screen time, as he would happily sit all day just scrolling.

He has no interest in going outside, and when we suggest going out he reacts as if his world has ended. He doesn’t have any hobbies because he doesn’t want to do anything, and he’s quit every after-school activity he’s tried. He’s perfectly happy staying in his room doing nothing.

He also doesn’t really have any friends at school, and that doesn’t seem to bother him either. He’s just not interested.

I’ve suggested lots of after-school clubs, both in and out of school, and he refuses all of them.

He’s not a SEN child — he’s an introvert.

Is this normal for this age, or am I overreacting? It doesn’t feel particularly healthy to me, but I’m at a loss as to what to do next.

my db was like this but in the 80s when screens were not an option. By age 11 he quit piano, football, chess club, judo and swimming even though he was pretty good. Just not interested.

He had a couple of mates but wasn’t very sociable outside school.

He also liked technical Lego and drawing!

My dad got him a soldering kit and my db got heavily into electronics - within several years he started building computers and learning programming languages.

He loved gaming too - once computing took off, he would spend every spare waking minute on his computer. It drove my mum nuts and she would sometimes take his computer away as otherwise he barely left his room.

Then he met some fellow geeks who liked the whole D&D gaming thing and that was his teenage life sorted.

It has really done him no harm - he has a great job, lives overseas and has become fluent in the local language, has kids and a gorgeous home.

My best advice is try to model the behavior for him. Do you invite your friends over for dinners? Try to socialize a bit more. Do you do a hobby in the evening? Show him how much you are enjoying socializing and doing activities and it will be infectious

DS is the same age and probably isn't too far off this.

Luckily he is interested in football and has played for so long it's probably the only routine he knows.

We also set expectations when he started senior school that he'd go to after school clubs. They have lots to choose from most weekdays, but even if it's just homework club he knows we expect him to be there and not heading home straight after school.

Once he's home though he's only interested in watching YouTube or playing computer games. He has a handful of friends and he'll go through spells of playing online with them, but he's also quite happy to ignore them.

He doesn't like suggestions of popping out to see family or going for a walk. The only time he'll do some Lego or drawing is when his screen time is restricted. In my mind a lot of his behaviour is down to the low effort instant gratification that comes from sitting looking at a screen.

I would be concerned and don't think this is normal. I would be exploring why he is like this and the first thing that comes to my mind (whilst not knowing your son, you or your set up) is to question if hes being bullied? Is he depressed? Is something else going on?
Even an introverted individual will have something to do and some friends.

Back in the day when I was at secondary there was no focus whatsoever on extra curricular or after school clubs. 'Hobbies' didn't mean going to football etc. it was collecting stamps or scrapbooking. What's today's equivalent? It can be going to clubs, but it might not be. Not many will be doing clubs after age 13/14 anyway.

Of course loads are doing clubs after 13/14. Millions of kids up and down the country. Usually sport. Mine did football all the way up to 18. Then refereeing and scouts. Others may continue music, dancing. Today’s equivalent of scrapbooking and stamp collecting is mostly online stuff.

A concern i have as a teacher heavily involved in safeguarding is what is he doing on his phone if he has no IRL friends?
Assume he is not talking to friends, so what does he do on there?
Are you able to monitor what he is accessing on his phone?

As an aside, my DP is an introvert, he has a social job though and is physically active with his job, but at home he prefers to game and read and do puzzles and although he enjoys going out with just me for date nights etc he doesnt really enjoy meeting up with his friends or big gatherings, he is more of a friend on the end of the phone type person. Some people are just introverts, but I would definetly make sure he is having some outdoor time with you doing different activities, going to new places and something physical for him too.

When I was looking for things for ds2 I did find there was a real gap at that age if you’re not into sport. Kids’ things would stop at early teens and there was other stuff you could do from 16 but at 14 there was very little. Ds2 was into stop motion animation and at one point there were things I could have got him to for younger and older ages but nothing for his age. I also looked into volunteering but there was nothing you could do under 16. Obviously there are some things but it’s the age where your options are narrowest.

Edit to add - of course op’s ds is still within the age where there are things, it’s 13-15 where there will be less.

Lots of DC take up the Duke of Edinburgh award staring in the 13-15 age range. That, for me, is one of the huge advantages of it - that it encourages a range of interests and working with others, at a time when it's easy to give up hobbies and socialising becomes "mooching about town".

OP - our local library has board games, coding club and Lego for younger secondary school children. It's worth casting your net widely (and it's really positive to do clubs that enable mixing with children that are not school friends).

I also think 11 is a weird age. They are moving from the "play date" stage where parents set everything up but not yet mature enough to start making their own plans. I found the socialising took off more when they got a year or 2 older and were more confident in doing things without a parent.

Yes! DofE comes at just the right time and is well worth encouraging.

If he likes lego, are there any lego clubs or lego leagues near you? In my city, libraries and community centres often host these. Also any gaming or coding clubs?

Lego and drawing are hobbies though?

Have you tired art classes or something like that? I don’t think pushing organised sports on a non sporty child will be very likely to be a happy situation. Our area also has Lego clubs, board gaming clubs. I’d go for social things that align with his interests.

He can’t refuse family trips swimming, or family walks/cycles. Choose a minimum daily amount of exercise, it helps keep you fit as well. Other than that, if he’s content with his own company that’s fine. Does he walk/cycle to school?
Maybe he’d prefer single person activities like rock-climbing or kayaking.

I think it's not surprising that a child that has so much access to screens (including TV) doesn't want to do much else.

When my DS was 11 he would regularly play completer games with his friends. Does your DS not do that. It’s a nice way to do something with friends from home…

Take all screens away.
It is not normal that a young teenager has no interest in living.

You need to be proactive in helping him meet friends.
Book him into some activities and insist that he sees out the term.
Ask a mate from school to go to the cinema with DS.
You need to parent.

It’s funny how being introverted as an adult everyone (these days) is supportive and ‘you do you’. But as a kid is seen as a negative and something to be concerned about.
If he’s happy and content that the main thing and I wouldn’t worry. Keep an eye on it, keep gently pushing opportunities to try new things but also learn to accept who is.
The whole “boys should be outside riding bikes and playing football” thing is bollocks. Each to their own. My similar age DS hates football. He has one main friend and outside school does minimal socialising. He does
of all in school and after school just wants to chill. Pretty much like me and DH and work tbh. We have a nice relaxed household as a result. Everyone is different let them find their own path.

After school clubs are non-negotiable in our house, and must include at least one sport. Otherwise mine would also happily live on screens permanently! Also I wouldn’t ‘suggest’ activities, just go out and bring him with you. Tablet time rules at ours are max 2hrs F,Sa,Su, and 1hr on other days. Mobiles are also limited with no access to SM except what’s app, and very limited access to games (enough time to play during school bus commutes). The level of introversion you describe is not usual to be honest and I would be looking out for underlying causes.

Just to clarify… the reason sport is non-negotiable for us is that they both are sporty and enjoy it! I certainly wouldn’t force it if they weren’t, we would look to other interested instead.

For me the issue was very much that I found the social environment of secondary school horrible and I felt safer having as little contact with my peers as possible outside of it. I'm not even sure what the solution is if that's the case here OP, by the time my parents realised it was too late as I'd refuse to join anything outside school.

I think I'd make the changes you can as people have suggested. Limit screens and model the behaviour yourself, see your own friends, have friends over and enjoy your own hobbies.

Is he more intelligent than average for his age? Does he ‘click’ with the other pupils, or could it be that the school is not a right fit?

I was in the wrong school in that I was very different socially and culturally from the other students who were all ‘working class’, I suppose (can’t explain it any better than that). I had friends but they were all superficial and I lost touch with everyone when I went to university and found ‘my tribe’. Could this be the case for your son?

Forcing kids to do things the don't want to and see no point in is not helping anyone, he will just feel more alienated, bitter and resentful if you try and make him do school clubs he's not interested in

DS was exactly like this and if one teacher hadn't had an inkling that he might be autistic then I'd still just think he was introverted - just a thought.

I would try and get him into programming whatever the case, that way if he's on a screen at least he's learning something. DS is working as a software engineer now as this is what we did for him.

My son struggled to make friends. He had some acquaintances at primary school but no one to invite round or hang out with at home. It was really sad. I used to ask him what he did at lunchtime and break time at school and he'd often be simply walking around in his own. He's better now although still hates school. He's 14.

I made him do a couple of activities outside of school. Things which interested him and which were low pressure - I attended with him for a while. Find something he's interested in, if you cant just keep trying things. Things with a range of ages where you can also be there might be good - think volunteering, amateur dramatics (he can simply do props), table tennis, art classes, walking groups. Contact group sports with lots of kids his age are intimidating. Good luck - it will get better if you keep encouraging him - without drawing attention to it and making him feel like a failure for not having friends- good luck.

I wouldn’t try and force him into anything. Despite the world being set up for social butterflies some of us are perfectly happy with our own company. He’s not going to make friends being forced to sign up to various sports he has no interest in. He needs to find some like minded people. Lego and drawing are hobbies so there’s nothing wrong there. Maybe see if there are any local clubs or have a chat with his form tutor/head of year to see what they have on offer in school. Also try and encourage him to try out different things at home that may open up new avenues for him, chess, DnD, warhammer (involves painting and strategy), magic the gathering, computer programming. I get that’s it’s concerning for parents but kids that don’t have huge social circles or play sports aren’t destined for a lifetime of solitude and unhappiness.