Feeling so miserable in my marriage

[Baglady12]

Been together for 20 years with 3 (nearly) adult children. DH is a good guy but we’re growing apart. He’s not interested in the house, making plans, booking evenings out etc, barely hugs or touches me but says he loves and care for me. Every evening he dozes off in front of whatever we’re watching. Not interested in chatting about silly stuff like we used to.
He will do stuff around the house but I have to ask him and then remind him.

What really gets to me is how different he is with his mates. Very quick to arrange and initiate the fun things. We only go to concerts or films if they are what he wants to see whereas I’ll often be happy just to do something together. Maybe this is a midlife thing but it’s making me so miserable. He spend most of his free time on his phone, not even looking up or being part of a conversation. Has anyone managed to come back from this and what worked?

Have you told him all this? If so, what did he say?

I have asked him if he wants to talk about it but he says there nothing to talk about and he’s alright. What’s adds to the sadness is that I think there’s a woman at work who ‘understands him’ and I’m concerned he’s sharing this with her and not me.

He has checked out of this marriage physically and this woman in his workplace is also a bad sign. And no this is not a mere midlife thing.

I would seriously consider whether you want to remain with someone like your H. All he cares about is his own self and getting his needs met. He does not give a fig about you at all. He’s alright but you are not.

What do your kids think of their dad?. They pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you and their dad.

not sure, I think they think he’s just ‘dad’ in a grumpy old man sort of way.

DH is usually a lovely man to be around but I cants help but think that what he’s like for this woman and his friends and I get the miserable, can’t be arsed version

His head has been turned. I don’t know what you can do to stop it, but it is happening.

Rather - he has turned his head. He is not an innocent man being lured to the dark side by a wanton woman.

Either way, it sounds as though he has checked out. Time to tell him how unhappy you are and that you are considering the viability of your marriage. Don’t ask him how he is, tell him how you are. And give him a little time to think about what you’ve said. He may be shocked and pull himself back into the marriage.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/1pCZSqb46d0r11x1sC3cQTK/how-do-you-have-a-difficult-conversation I found this really helpful for having difficult conversations like this.

Thank you. Will take a listen.
His phone is more or less permanently attached to his hand these days and I’m just vaguely in the background. I’m beginning to give up competing.

I could have written this post. My marriage has been like this for months. Had a conversation this morning and I.think our marriage is over.

So sorry to hear this, hope you’re okay. May I ask what was his reaction? Was he shocked or expecting it?

Sadness but we both know it's been coming. He doesn't like the person I've become lately but the ironic part is it's his fault I'm that way. He's always been hard to deal with emotionally but has shut down completely in the last year.

Sad part is i love him very much, far more than he deserves, but he doesn't feel the same. I'm very lonely in our marriage and have been for months.

I really get this. I’m probably not much fun to be around anymore but that’s mainly because I know how close he has become with this other woman and how he is very happy to be away from me and with his mates instead. It makes me feel very low

What does your dh enjoy OP? What does he do with his mates?

If he likes his job, it could be that he and the woman at work simply have work in common, which is nothing to base a relationship on.

What did you used to do together? What was his favourite thing in your early days?

Catch 22 isn't it? We had a big row on Christmas eve after doing santa and he told me this. I did ask him does he ever ask himself why I am the way I am now. Do u think your husband would ever cheat on u?

What is it that you know? Have you found something ?

He is permantly attached to his phone.
He mentions a woman at work understands him.
He is able to make plans with his mates.
I would say at bare minimum hes checked out, at worse his head has been turned.
Time to sit him down and talk about all of this and see where it goes.....good luck OP

He’d mentioned quite her a lot until I showed I was concerned about this new friendship and now it’s all gone quiet except he sneaks off to the bathroom or the end of the garden and contacts her I think as he knows I’m getting suspicious

i waited outside the bathroom on Christmas Eve and I think I heard him chatting with her on the phone but then he denied it to my face. But he was definitely on the phone. Then he arranged an evening out with some mates. And was miserable with me in the evening. It feel like I’m just spoiling his fun sometimes and I hate that

Are you sure he's going out with mates and not meeting up with this woman? It sounds like he's making no effort in his relationship with you so I'd definitely be suspicious! The question is, what are you going to do about it?

They work in urgent healthcare and it’s a very close team. She joined about 8 months ago and they got close quickly.
he goes to the pub or dog racing with his mates generally

Getting divorced, whilst it might seem scary, really isnt that bad. It took me roughly 14 months. Im so happy the dead weight is no longer there. Youve only got one life x

So he can be engaged and keen on arranging things, when he wants to (e.g. with his mates). He just doesn’t seem to be interested in you? Once you said that in your opening post i started wondering whether there is someone else in the picture.

I think there is definitely something going on with this woman at work, does she know he is not single even? That’s besides the point tbh.

Do you love him? I would start thinking about practicalities of divorce tbh.

The thought of divorce is overwhelming but I’m slowly starting to get to this point.
I want to be with someone who really loves me and doesn’t only have fun with his mates or hides in the toilet to contact another woman.
Or maybe be on my own.