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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling so miserable in my marriage

60 replies

Baglady12 · 01/01/2026 12:17

Been together for 20 years with 3 (nearly) adult children. DH is a good guy but we’re growing apart. He’s not interested in the house, making plans, booking evenings out etc, barely hugs or touches me but says he loves and care for me. Every evening he dozes off in front of whatever we’re watching. Not interested in chatting about silly stuff like we used to.
He will do stuff around the house but I have to ask him and then remind him.

What really gets to me is how different he is with his mates. Very quick to arrange and initiate the fun things. We only go to concerts or films if they are what he wants to see whereas I’ll often be happy just to do something together. Maybe this is a midlife thing but it’s making me so miserable. He spend most of his free time on his phone, not even looking up or being part of a conversation. Has anyone managed to come back from this and what worked?

OP posts:
Miltonv · 01/01/2026 19:44

It does seem very suspicious.

ComewithmeIntotheseaofLove · 01/01/2026 19:47

Baglady12 · 01/01/2026 12:39

I have asked him if he wants to talk about it but he says there nothing to talk about and he’s alright. What’s adds to the sadness is that I think there’s a woman at work who ‘understands him’ and I’m concerned he’s sharing this with her and not me.

Show quote history

I think I’d say YOU want to talk about it

he doesn’t sound like your biggest fan - which is sad but doesn’t mean anything about your worth

he doesn’t seem to enjoy your company, I don’t think you can do this for however many years? I couldn’t

ComewithmeIntotheseaofLove · 01/01/2026 19:51

Baglady12 · 01/01/2026 14:37

I really get this. I’m probably not much fun to be around anymore but that’s mainly because I know how close he has become with this other woman and how he is very happy to be away from me and with his mates instead. It makes me feel very low

Show quote history

Is he with the mates or this women

I think you have to have serious conversation with him - is he on phone to her?

Original poster
Baglady12 · 01/01/2026 22:24

He’s out with mates this evening.
I realise we can’t go on like this. His actions make me feel hollow.

OP posts:
ComewithmeIntotheseaofLove · 01/01/2026 22:29

Oh you deserve so much more OP

princesscallie · 02/01/2026 13:46

Baglady12 · 01/01/2026 22:24

He’s out with mates this evening.
I realise we can’t go on like this. His actions make me feel hollow.

How are you today? Think anymore about things?

KayMarie121 · 02/01/2026 18:01

Get yourself dolled up and go out- you might only go for a drive or to a cafe for coffee alone but he doesn’t know that. Do things for you and get your personal vibrancy back- and tell him how you are doing and how you feel. Don’t wait for him x

gamerchick · 02/01/2026 18:05

Baglady12 · 01/01/2026 12:39

I have asked him if he wants to talk about it but he says there nothing to talk about and he’s alright. What’s adds to the sadness is that I think there’s a woman at work who ‘understands him’ and I’m concerned he’s sharing this with her and not me.

Show quote history

That's when you say there absolutely is something to talk about because you're not happy and if he's checked out of the marriage then you borh need a chat about what splitting up looks like, because you refuse to spend any more time being ignored.

Loubelou71 · 02/01/2026 18:13

My ex was out with his mates and would come in at all hours. I felt like you. He was awful to me and I later realised it was because his head had been turned. I couldn't trust him after that. I tried but we eventually divorced.

EarthSight · 02/01/2026 18:18

Sorry OP but he's checked out and bored with your relationship. Such men won't just end things. Things are usually far too comfortable for them at home to do that. They will string you along and tell you everything's fine until they are ready to monkey-branch their way from one relationship to the next.

disturbia · 02/01/2026 18:27

Tell him there IS something to talk about...your feelings about your relationship with him..he can't just dismiss them.

Original poster
Baglady12 · 02/01/2026 19:17

Loubelou71 · 02/01/2026 18:13

My ex was out with his mates and would come in at all hours. I felt like you. He was awful to me and I later realised it was because his head had been turned. I couldn't trust him after that. I tried but we eventually divorced.

Exactly that. He’s miserable with me ignoring me no eye contact etc than all smiles with others. It’s exhausting and depressing. And makes me feel like shite.

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 02/01/2026 19:40

Baglady12 · 01/01/2026 22:24

He’s out with mates this evening.
I realise we can’t go on like this. His actions make me feel hollow.

Op how sure are you he’s with mates of the male kind? He’s definitely checked out can you start doing social stuff with friends? I think the not knowing is awful especially if he’s having secret calls I would call him out on his next secret call. Do you have access to his phone bill see who’s the most popular person he’s in touch with. Can you suggest going with him and his mates just to see how he reacts? He could already be cheating on you and his mates is a cover up and sadly lads will do this for lads.

Lillybee01 · 02/01/2026 20:05

https://www.bbc.co.uk/worklife/article/20221005-emotional-infidelity-the-flirtation-that-undermines-couples

Sorry to hear of your situation. Have a read of this. Sounds like emotional cheating if nothing else. My advice would be to sit down and have a very serious conversation with your DH about what you both want. Also check out ‘Meet the Freemans’ on instagram. Some useful stuff on there. Good luck. x

Emotional infidelity: The flirtation that undermines couples

Physical cheating is a boundary many couples agree on. But fuzzy boundaries around what's allowed emotionally can complicate things – and break up relationships all the same.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/worklife/article/20221005-emotional-infidelity-the-flirtation-that-undermines-couples

GirlWithTheRedScarf · 02/01/2026 20:05

I have to agree with previous poster. He’s checked out and it sounds all very one sided with you trying to make things work by pulling him for a chat (sorry for the love island reference) but he clearly is avoiding at all costs. It also sounds like he is spending an overwhelming amount of time with “friends”.
Whilst there may not be any evidence he is cheating yet, it sounds like he certainly is emotionally with secret phone calls.
If I were in your shoes OP, I genuinely would prefer to be single and on my own than suffering the miserable uncertainty of what is this marriage. Sounds truly awful. Not what you signed up for when eloping and I too would be on the brink of checking out. I’m so sorry you are going through this OP. You do deserve better though.
If he is not prepared to sit down and have a heart to heart, that would be the end of the marriage for me. There’s no resolution other than that…
Good Luck OP

MrsCompayson · 02/01/2026 20:33

Baglady12 · 01/01/2026 12:17

Been together for 20 years with 3 (nearly) adult children. DH is a good guy but we’re growing apart. He’s not interested in the house, making plans, booking evenings out etc, barely hugs or touches me but says he loves and care for me. Every evening he dozes off in front of whatever we’re watching. Not interested in chatting about silly stuff like we used to.
He will do stuff around the house but I have to ask him and then remind him.

What really gets to me is how different he is with his mates. Very quick to arrange and initiate the fun things. We only go to concerts or films if they are what he wants to see whereas I’ll often be happy just to do something together. Maybe this is a midlife thing but it’s making me so miserable. He spend most of his free time on his phone, not even looking up or being part of a conversation. Has anyone managed to come back from this and what worked?

Right op, what do you want?

Can you imagine your life free of this burden? Because it wasn't meant to be this way for you. You are not doomed to be stuck in this situation forever, you are not obligated.

You don't deserve it, you are being devalued.

Do you feel relief at the thought of no longer being in his presence?

Loubelou71 · 02/01/2026 22:32

Baglady12 · 02/01/2026 19:17

Exactly that. He’s miserable with me ignoring me no eye contact etc than all smiles with others. It’s exhausting and depressing. And makes me feel like shite.

Show quote history

He did tell me he wanted our marriage to work but a couple of years after he started being horrible again and I began to think if the other woman's came back she could have him. It was more relief when that happened. People felt bad for me being the wronged one but inside I knew they'd done me a favour and I could divorce him. Like a weight had been lifted. Never looked back and never been happier. I have a big sense of pride for the strength i found to do it all on my own. Be strong enough to see you're worth more. Good luck x

disturbia · 02/01/2026 23:08

Could you get hold of his phone when he is asleep and go through it? Hopefully he has face recognition so you could hold it to his face. I think you will find out the truth then

Itiswhysofew · 02/01/2026 23:17

Tell him you won't be treated like this anymore. How would he feel if you were doing the same to him? Time for him to move out.

Noononoo · 03/01/2026 05:55

This brought back so memories that have been crowded out over the years. Why did I hang on? Why did I feel so devastated yet desperately need him? Why did I keep thinking if I was better he would love me more? I wish now I had had the guts to end it at those first signs. But I had children (not his) I was in love with him, our joint incomes just kept the show on the road.. You just don’t want it to be happening and hope that it’s temporary. It’s hell.
My partner was all charm to everyone, to my son especially who was eleven. I had left their father because of his personality disorder and drug addiction and new partner seemed so easy so happy lovely and I couldn’t bear for my son having another failed male figure. So I put up and hung on when his attention changed I made do. He was widely popular with other women (he was in the arts and in a band).
it seems that once someone believes they are no longer in love with you and another is being romantically imagined it doesn’t matter what you do. Rather like when someone is in love with you everything you do is great. It’s the other side if the coin.
But what can you do?
Some people of course want to leave but don’t want to be the ones who take responsibility for it so they just make the others life as unbearable as they can then they are told to leave which is what they wanted. Romantic love is not always fair it can be very cruel. I wish I had been tougher at the time, that’s my only difficult advice. Put your foot down now. I wish I’d told people why and got out. Made it public stopped pretending. Power and strength to you.

Sighohbarn · 03/01/2026 07:38

Hi OP.

A couple of months ago I could have written your post. He just seemed bored and checked out. I even googled and found that often men his age do get a bit more grumpy - kind of like a male menopause. We weren't having big rows or anything.

Turns out he had been having an affair. I got him to admit it in the end, and he chose to leave rather than stop seeing her. I cannot stress to you how gobsmacked I and everyone else are. If ever there was a man who you would think wasn't the type to have an affair, it was my husband. But here we are.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/01/2026 07:49

Baglady12 · 02/01/2026 19:17

Exactly that. He’s miserable with me ignoring me no eye contact etc than all smiles with others. It’s exhausting and depressing. And makes me feel like shite.

Show quote history

He has completely checked out of your marriage. You are just an inconvenience to him now as you are getting in the way of his social life and relationship with his colleague.

His behaviour towards you is unfair and unpleasant. You need to take the initiative and end your marriage, having first spoken to a solicitor to find out what you would be entitled to and what steps to take.

Stop making any sort of effort with him as it's not appreciated. You will be sad when he has gone, but it will be a relief and like a weight has been lifted off you.

Nantescalling · 03/01/2026 16:20

Baglady12 · 01/01/2026 19:00

The thought of divorce is overwhelming but I’m slowly starting to get to this point.
I want to be with someone who really loves me and doesn’t only have fun with his mates or hides in the toilet to contact another woman.
Or maybe be on my own.

Show quote history

I think it's got to the point where you can tell him you are not happy with the life you have together. That he is married to his phone and not to you or your kids. Ask him if he thinks he would be better off as a free agent. The only alternative seems to me to tell him you are OK with an open marriage as long as you get back the respect he had from you previously.

Original poster
Baglady12 · 03/01/2026 22:19

Thank you so very much for all your replies. I’ve been very lonely in this marriage for a long time I realise. If he prefers to talk with this other woman, his friends then my role as his wife is redundant. It’s certainly not what I signed up for. It’s been another evening of being ignored, long trips to another room, muffled phone calls or text messages that he suddenly looks guilty about when I walk past…
I think I am stronger than I think.

OP posts:
ComewithmeIntotheseaofLove · 03/01/2026 22:22

You are! Well spotted