Feeling so miserable in my marriage

[Baglady12]

Been together for 20 years with 3 (nearly) adult children. DH is a good guy but we’re growing apart. He’s not interested in the house, making plans, booking evenings out etc, barely hugs or touches me but says he loves and care for me. Every evening he dozes off in front of whatever we’re watching. Not interested in chatting about silly stuff like we used to.
He will do stuff around the house but I have to ask him and then remind him.

What really gets to me is how different he is with his mates. Very quick to arrange and initiate the fun things. We only go to concerts or films if they are what he wants to see whereas I’ll often be happy just to do something together. Maybe this is a midlife thing but it’s making me so miserable. He spend most of his free time on his phone, not even looking up or being part of a conversation. Has anyone managed to come back from this and what worked?

It sounds like there’s someone else.

OP it’s time to step up your self respect and have it out with him. Name the elephant in the room it may be painful but it’s better to have honestly which will eventually lead to relief.

it’s time you moved on too.

I also think there's someone else Op, but you've brought it up asked him , and he said he's "alright " About time to tell him that you're not alright though. Not alright that he's checked out, making secret phone calls, ignoring you.

New year new start. Tell him YOU are unhappy at being sidelined and second best and want to separate. Tell him whatever is going on with this woman at work, you are setting him free to explore it as you’re not going to put up with this kind of behaviour in your marriage. You are strong, take your power back.

100%
Exactly what I thought.

Thing is, it should not be optional, it is not a question of what he feels like doing...There is a problem in your relationship, and he needs to hear you out. And I know it sounds cold in that way, but you absolutely have to get your points across so he hears them. This is not about "are you ok", it is about "I AM not ok". He needs to hear and respond to it... You can go on from there, work on it together, see if it gets through to him, if he is willing to make it better for the relationship's sake...
The episode with the other woman is also worrying,.. I have no answer to that, you can ask why he wasn't honest about talking to her...

Call him out the next phone call.
Id bet my house he’s having an affair.
My husband was attached to his phone.
Often Behaved like he’d checked out of the marriage.
One night, my daughter just happened to mention a woman colleague had called him a couple of weeks ago while he was giving daughter a lift (he’d declined to answer the call)
His face dropped when daughter mentioned the call.
I confronted him - he admitted to having a good connection with her - I started digging - it had been a full on affair.
He stopped all contact with her that night - shit himself because he never wanted to lose his family - thought he could have it all.
He was desperate for me to give him a chance.
I did, we are still together,
Now OW is not on the scene and he knows how close we came to us splitting up, he’s desperate to try to prove that the marriage is worth holding on to. He is a different husband - attentive, caring, fun, engaged, fully transparent, loving, interested, respectful ….
Not all cheaters want to lose family and run off with AP
Staying together is not for everyone after betrayal however, I think you absolutely need and deserve the truth.
You are then in a better position to decide your future.
My heart goes out to you. It’s the worst pain.
I wish you all the best.

I think that you need to arrange an evening out together (you book it) and have a talk about what’s going on. Tell him how you’re feeling and ask him what’s going on with him too.

I’ve been with DH for nearly 30 years and sometimes, being with friends IS more fun as they don’t expect anything from me. Whereas DH talks about money, taxes, doing chores, etc. etc. and my friends obviously don’t! So we have to deliberately make time to do fun things together and not talk about boring stuff.

I’ll be honest and admit that I sometimes put in my AirPods and listen to an audiobook, because I don’t feel like talking about what needs to be done!

I'll bet he is not out with his "mates" but his "OW mate"! Ducks in a row, see a solicitor as soon as you can. Maybe this week. All the best for a better life OP.

I've been in the position twice where my head was turned (I didn't act on it either time, apart from end my existing relationships, I didn't cheat). Both times I acted towards my partners like your husband is acting. I think partly because I felt guilty about being tempted by another man, so I took it out on my current partner, and partly because if I could convince myself that my boyfriend was boring/mean/rude/miserable etc, I'd feel less guilty. Of course I didn't realise that at the time, but looking back it's easier to understand why I behaved that way (and I know it was cruel).

The "end of the garden syndrome" and sometimes it's just a game to keep you guessing !