Urgent advice needed

[Manathma]

I’m desperate and need to get out. Been married since 2011. Have 3 dc, all under the age of 14. Dh is an alcoholic and it’s just getting worse. Never physically touched me but very verbally abusive, financially controlling and puts me down all the time. Mostly when he is drunk and then claims he doesn’t remember the next day and gaslights me saying I’m overreacting or making it up to make him look bad.

The house was his before we got married and he pays all bills and mortgage. His choice. I do work 30 hours a week to enable me to do all school runs and bulk of all child/home care. All other expenses are paid by me.

I need to get out. I’m so desperately unhappy and don’t feel safe as his drinking it getting worse and worse. He drinks as soon as he gets home and comes to bed drunk every night. I don’t have any family support.

Ive tried women’s aid a few times and they haven’t been much help. The local council say if I leave the house I will make myself intentionally homeless. I can’t afford to rent my own place as I’m in the south east and it’s very expensive. I just don’t know what to do. He point blank refuses to move and threatens to kick me out daily. He has locked me out in the past. I just want to move away with the dc as he is aggressive with them and I won’t leave without them. He tells me I can leave if I want but I’m never taking his kids away from him.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Where can I go? Is there any help I can get? I feel very trapped and defeated right now. He’s currently downstairs drinking. I have no savings and am in overdraft so I won’t be able to afford the first months rent and deposit so I can’t privately rent.

I don’t know myself but you could report your post and ask for it to be moved to relationships. There are some very knowledgable people on this site so hang on.

Have you tried Shelter? I'm not sure what your council are saying is true.

I'm in a different area to you where we have no shortage of council housing, but when I was in an almost identical situation, my council rehoused me the next day, although I did tell them DH had thrown me out and threatened violence if I returned (which he did), so maybe try that? Or if you have family connections in another area, try them; they may have more housing available.

You're doing the right thing in leaving, fwiw, my ex finally got himself clean and sober when I left, and got the help he needed for his depression and became my best friend. I could never have lived with him again because of all that happened in the past, but we were both much happier eventually.

Phone the police. Report his abuse towards you and the children, you should not have to live like this.Then seek support from a solicitor to start divorce proceedings.

Register your home as marital home at the land registry to protect your rights there

look for local
womens aid type charities

maybe ALANON will have ideas - the AA branch for families of people drinking

I don’t think the council can do that if your fleeing DV - pretty sure it’s not allowesn

Try this - there are a lot of smart women on the Relationships board.

Many years ago, I was in the same situation and was told I would receive no benefits as I had made myself homeless. I took it to court and eventually won . I'm sure things are different now if a relationship is abusive.

You don’t need housing, you need a divorce solicitor. Start the divorce - the split of assets will be part of that. There is absolutely no reason for you to be starting with people like shelter etc. you need to know your financial settlement and go from there

You need, as pp have said, a solicitor. Your husband is talking nonsense. Go to a solicitor, find out what you will get on your divorce and go from there.

From the government website
7. New duties on local authorities within the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, came into force on 1 October 2021 to ensure that all victims and their children across England can access the right support in safe accommodation when they need it.

Thank you so much for all the help. I have reported the post to be moved to relationship board.

I was on hold to my local council for almost 90 mins before they answered. They said there is a minimum 7 year waiting list in my area for a council property and as I have a home, if I leave, I will be making myself I intentionally homeless. I did say that I don’t feel safe here and that he’s an alcoholic and the lady on the phone told me to speak to my gp and then said I can go online and fill out a form if I think I’m being made homeless in the next 55 days. I have filled out the online form and sent it off. I’m guessing not much can be done until they reopen on the 2nd Jan.

i moved to his area when we married and I’ve been pretty isolated here as he never really wanted me to make friends, only wanting me to socialise with his family. He is the golden child and they never see anything wrong in his behaviour.

OP it’s very likely you have to stay in the house until its sold or he provides you with your divorce settlement in cash.
then you obtain your own housing- ideally a purchase.

you will not be housed by the council or anyone else.

You have already stayed so long. A divorce could be done in 6 months. if there is domestic abuse report it to the police but it’s expensive and unlikely that you will be able to get an order for him to move out. The other potential you’re looking at his a DV hostel. I wouldn’t advise this unless you’re in danger, and even then I’d attempt to get him out first through the courts.

you need to contact a solicitor

This sounds really difficult and I hope you are ok tonight.
Once everything opens back up, get a GP appointment and let them know you're not doing well due to living with an abusive alcoholic. I would also try to speak to the police if you can - you can report the abusive relationship, get advice, and ask them not to take action perhaps. Both of these are so you have official records of what's going on. And as pp have said, get an appointment with a solicitor.
Can you sleep in your DC room tonight? Do you have family you can go and stay with for a few days?

You say you work 30 hours a week but don’t pay the bills is that correct?

So I am assuming you have a pretty decent chunk of money in savings and can spend the next couple of months putting away as much as you can.

I would then rent a home from a private landlord. You may get help from UC to top up your earnings to help pay the rent.

I would look for a home that means you and your kids are comfortable but there are less bedrooms than you need (perhaps you can sleep in the front room).

It will mean you’re not intentionally making yourself homeless, you’ll be safe and secure but you’ll also be eligible to go on the council list because you need an extra bedroom.
You can explain that you had to flee with your kids and this was the only one available.

It will likely take years still but it means you’re out of the home and you’re not being forced into temporary accommodation which can be miles away from the kids school.

Also you can’t kick anyone out of their home.
You can only divorce him and then sell and split the home that way, which may take months.

Depending on your situation you may not want to wait for this.

Hi OP, he may not have physically hurt you… but what you have described is domestic abuse. Is the home in your name now you’re married? Could you look into getting an occupation order against him to keep him out the house? You need to seek advice from women’s aid (or see if your local authority have a domestic abuse service etc where you can get support from an IDVA) and speak to a solicitor about a divorce, making sure you speak to them about the abuse.

good luck OP, do it for you and the children x

I have a friend who has just spent £16k on a failed hearing for an occupation order. The judge told her she should never have been advised it was a potential outcome.

taking away someone’s housing is really serious and not often granted.

she also had a lot of evidence of abuse

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housingadvice/homelessness/maritalhomerights

He has no right to lock you out of the marital home. Doing so is a form of abuse. Next time he does it, call the police.

The council shouldn't knock you back, but that doesn't mean they won't try.

What?? And what is she meant to do in the meantime? Live with an aggressive man who will then know she’s planning to leave him and ‘take his kids away’?

op, tell as many people/organisations as possible to get advice and to get your head in the state of being able to talk about it. Some people you tell will be crap and say oh just leave or tell him you won’t put up with it or why didn’t you tell me (in an annoyed fashion) - ignore these people. They don’t know what they don’t know.

i don’t know but if you have video evidence or voice recorded evidence of his behaviour it can help prove it - even if it can’t be used legally. Just make sure it is not going to risk you in anyway to get it. Messages etc too - save off your phone. And go to the police now or at the latest tomorrow morning. Hopefully if he’s a drinker he’ll be too focused on that to actually expend energy coming after the kids.

it seems impossible to leave but don’t think of it as needing to find somewhere to live forever. Just one step at a time. Even a hostel/cheap hotel private room? Campsite for two weeks? Tell the kids it’s a holiday. Parents? Even if it’s not ideal. Even if they’ll judge. Safety first. It’s worth it and you can do it, set the wheels in motion and suddenly you’ll find it’s happened and you’ll look up one day and realise you did it.

Yes he has always wanted the home and all bills to be entirely in his name as it was his before we met. He does take a portion of my salary every month and the rest is used for all food, kids school expenses, induction, clothes, kids clubs etc. I am on minimum wage and earn £1400 a month after tax. He takes around £700 a month from me which leaves me with approx £700 each month which is spent as above. I also pay for my phone, petrol, insurance etc. He checks all receipts and questions every purchase I make. My salary goes into our joint account. Although I have learnt to manage on my wage, I do not manage to save anything and am usually in overdraft at the end of each month.

Are they his kids too? How much does he earn? Do you know what "financial abuse" means?

What do you think is going to happen?

assuming OP starts reporting abusive behaviour now- now is day 1. That is not a quick route. And what could the police, council or charities do even in the most extreme examples? DV hostel. Only OP knows whether the abuse would be considered serious enough to necessitate this step.

The home is a martial asset.

good for you that the bills are in his name- you don’t need to pay any.

you will very likely walk away with 50% of the equity and any other assets. You can not expect to be treated the same as a homeless person.

only you know whether you are in immediate danger living with him, but we shouldn’t assume you are. Of course, if you are, you need to contact the police.

Join a local al-anon group or an online one. It is free and life saving.