Urgent advice needed

[Manathma]

I’m desperate and need to get out. Been married since 2011. Have 3 dc, all under the age of 14. Dh is an alcoholic and it’s just getting worse. Never physically touched me but very verbally abusive, financially controlling and puts me down all the time. Mostly when he is drunk and then claims he doesn’t remember the next day and gaslights me saying I’m overreacting or making it up to make him look bad.

The house was his before we got married and he pays all bills and mortgage. His choice. I do work 30 hours a week to enable me to do all school runs and bulk of all child/home care. All other expenses are paid by me.

I need to get out. I’m so desperately unhappy and don’t feel safe as his drinking it getting worse and worse. He drinks as soon as he gets home and comes to bed drunk every night. I don’t have any family support.

Ive tried women’s aid a few times and they haven’t been much help. The local council say if I leave the house I will make myself intentionally homeless. I can’t afford to rent my own place as I’m in the south east and it’s very expensive. I just don’t know what to do. He point blank refuses to move and threatens to kick me out daily. He has locked me out in the past. I just want to move away with the dc as he is aggressive with them and I won’t leave without them. He tells me I can leave if I want but I’m never taking his kids away from him.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Where can I go? Is there any help I can get? I feel very trapped and defeated right now. He’s currently downstairs drinking. I have no savings and am in overdraft so I won’t be able to afford the first months rent and deposit so I can’t privately rent.

Please don’t be so rude

Registering your
marital home rights (also called home rights) with the Land Registry using form HR1 protects a non-owning spouse's right to live in the family home by putting a notice on the property's title, preventing the owning spouse from selling or remortgaging it without the other's knowledge or consent, a process that doesn't need the other spouse's permission to apply but does inform them.

Oh the justice

thank you 👏 👏

Another post to lodge your home rights with land registry - use for HR1 I believe 😀

Ooo and another - defo need to do this

He is financially and emotionally abusing her. She has stated he is aggressive towards the kids. And that he has a serious drinking problem. I would bet money that this is not a man who will sit there in the house with her over weeks or months calmly while she tries to claim a right to that home and finances.

So yes, I think the right advice in this situation is not oh don’t bother reaching out for help, just go the same route a woman with a placid, non abusive husband who’s only divorceable crime was to snore too much would.

she logs that he’s financially abusing etc her with the police…good they have it on record.

she asks for shelter’s advice - they say nothing we can do. Ok fine let’s go to the next place.

so what it takes months? Or years even? This woman is actively looking for opportunities to get out. Let’s tell her to go as many places as possible until an opportunity opens up. Not to sit there hoping a divorce lawyer she can’t afford is going to pull off a miracle while her dickhead of a husband doesn’t get angry about her doing so.

She needs a divorce. OP has wasted the trying to get housed, it’s not happening. The other stuff is importantly for self protection but she has referred to housing throughout and that’s what my post refers to.

I've been in a similar situation and I feel for you. I know it can feel over-whelming, all the steps you need to take, but for me, I felt much better after nmy first appt (wthout him knowing of course) with a solicitor.

They advised me on where I stood legally, what info I needed to gather together, what the rough timeline would be. I felt a degree of control for the first time in a long time.

I sat with that information until I felt strong enough to set the process going. One day something clicked and I knew I was ready. Rather, that I needed to do something before any further damage was caused to me and the DCs.

It meant I was also a step ahead in terms of info gathered and knowledge of the process, which meant he couldn't talk me out of it by pretending he knew more and trying to put me off. Information is power.

I would suggest you keep a diary (in a very safe place, at work is probably best) of his behaviour. If it's safe to do so, video him when he's blind drunk. Save that somewhere safe as well. There were a number of benefits to doing this - it helped as 'evidence' for my divorce (pre no-fault); it reminded me of how bad things were if I ever wavered; it meant I had 'evidence' if anyone didn't believe how bad things were (in the event noone questioned it, so I've never shown them to anyone else); it meant I could tell him that I had a full record, including recordings, of his behaviour, and if he tried to get custody I would be sharing it with the legal people and maybe his family. He decided against going for custody after that.

My very best wishes to you.

OP, my heart goes out to you and your children, your situation sounds very similar to me a couple of years ago.
This is what I did (but looking back, should have reported to the police much sooner).
Made the decision to leave, in secret.I couldn't risk his reaction.
The first person I told was a lovely man on my bank's financial support team (they were under a section titled is someone controlling you or your money?)
I asked for an overdraft large enough to fund one month's rent and one month's deposit and said i hoped to repay in a couple of years-i was very honest about the urgency of getting out in secret, and that i had no other financial means to do so.
I had already researched what was available for private rental, and then registered with local estate agents, so i knew how much i would need.
Once I had the funds, I found somewhere in a couple of weeks.
Moving wasnt possible for another month due to tenancy start date, a week before it started he was arrested and bailed
We moved (also bang in the middle of exams)-I informed the children's schools, my GP, a local women's charity(a couple of months later) and also asked for special consideration from the exam boards and my son contacted his firm offer university to say he may not make his grade offer due to his father's behaviour
I had help from local charity shops, advance payments from UC (furniture)who were incredibly supportive (claimed the day I moved into our new place), UC and started a new job a month later.I got white goods from ao.online and paid off in a year.
I was financially helped by getting social tariffs for my BT landline and internet (£15 per month, free calls), single adult Council Tax discount, Warm Home Payment for electricity bills, water cheap price and also rent payed by UC even when I was working (part time hours) plus free school meals.
I slept in a living room for 2 years, but put myself on the housing list straight away, and documented on my form that I had not been told the council had a statutory duty to house me and the children when we fled, and that our new home was unsuitable due to overcrowding (and I also had several health conditions).
Anyway, 2 years after leaving, we were rehoused in a housing association house! It was helped by being in Band A(my health) but getting on the list is always worth it.
Get a police crime reference number by reporting him-this is essential to help you with applying for council housing and is evidence of his behaviour.
This is just my experience-I believe I did the right thing by not looking into a Refuge (disruption to children and had boys and girls) and not waiting to hear from Women's Aid (I could never get through to them).I accepted that getting out safely was the absolutely urgent priority.Belongings and possessions are irrelevant.Division of marital assets can come later if you divorce.
Unbeknown to me, the children had been recording him for months as well as the night he was arrested.A year later I made a subject access request to the police, and now have transcripts of my 99 calls and police officers' notes; I think it is only when you get out that you can truly acknowledge the horror of it.
As others have said, tell people, create a chain of evidence-safeguarding lead at school, GP, your manager-you need to be able to show you are taking steps now to protect your children .

sorry, my 999 calls! On two separate occasions (the last one was using the 55 so the operator knew we were in danger)